Joke of the day

Subject: My Rezumay

The following just goes to show you that when you have the right credentials, the job is yours – no question.

My Rezumay

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum acounting 2. I think I am good on the fone and I am a people person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety...

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser. Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins

PS: I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Dear Peggy May:

You may start on Monday, we have spell check.

Since the "gh" in the word ENOUGH makes the "f" sound, and the "o" in WOMEN is pronounced like a short "i", and the "ti" in NATION makes the "sh" sound, then:

GHOTI

is pronounced "FISH", right?

If Mr. T had a sex change and went swimming what would he say?

I titty the pool!

Not sure about #12...

In reply to Streetwiseguy:

Octal and decimal (abbrev oct. and dec.)

31 base 8 = 25

In reply to SVreX:

Thank you.
3 and 19 are my faves.

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, Son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And, they did...

"Well done, Son! Now, we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And, they did...

"Now, we eat everybody."
And, they did...

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the E36 M3 out of them first!"

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,

and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather

and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,

runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken,

the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light,

the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,

knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather,

and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the

next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says:

" Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Worcester and I driving a salt truck!”

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot @sshole? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

London Cab driver's answer.

You just got to love the Brits. A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"

What's the difference between Herpes and Mono?

You get mono from snatching a kiss...

I didn't get joke #9...

In reply to GameboyRMH:

When we go about the world, we have expectations which are often not fulfilled. For example, Pierre is not at the café where we thought we would meet him, so there is a negation, a void, a nothingness, in the place of Pierre. When looking for Pierre his lack of being there becomes a negation; everything he sees as he searches the people and objects about him are "not Pierre".[4] So Sartre claims, "It is evident that non-being always appears within the limits of a human expectation."

well that certainly cleared that up

wbjones wrote: hopefully this will be taken as a joke … (why it's in this thread) YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT INTERESTED IN USED FARM EQUIPMENT, BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIG'S LIST. FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 (WASHINGTON, DC ) Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader in 2016. I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution. Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C.

Who doesn't love jokes about owning Africans as property? (Plantation owners sure did)

Cone_Junkie wrote:

wbjones wrote: hopefully this will be taken as a joke … (why it's in this thread) YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT INTERESTED IN USED FARM EQUIPMENT, BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIG'S LIST. FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 (WASHINGTON, DC ) Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader in 2016. I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution. Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C.

Who doesn't love jokes about owning Africans as property? (Plantation owners sure did)

Seriously? You got racism out of that?

In reply to Datsun1500:

No we shout racism when it's racist. Usually referring to animals, slavery, the civil war, or general policies against minorities.

Now in reference to the joke, I took it as an anti-politician joke and I am fairly liberal. God knows I would like to deport Skippy.

Selling off Africans as used farm equipment? How could I possibly see that as racist?

I'm sure this wasn't posted on CL in a Southern state...

Cone_Junkie wrote: Selling off Africans as used farm equipment? How could I possibly see that as racist? I'm sure this wasn't posted on CL in a Southern state...

I don't see the guy (or any guy) as an "African", I just see them as a guy, who, in my opinion, is fairly analogous with a manure spreader. Sometimes it's just a joke, dude.

An edit for a good point. A few posts ago the joke was a guy killing and burying the President, yet you find the one comparing him to farm equipment MORE offensive?

Cone_Junkie wrote: Selling off Africans as used farm equipment? How could I possibly see that as racist? I'm sure this wasn't posted on CL in a Southern state...

He's not African, he's Hawaiian - just check his birth certif . . . oh right. Never mind. Now back to the jokes. I'm not here for an argument. That was a different thread.

Accurate Slogans for College Majors:

Computer Engineering: Tons of chicks, just not very many.

Biochemistry: Spend 4 years aspiring to discover the cure for cancer and the rest of your life manufacturing shampoo.

Archaeology: If you don’t know what it is, it’s probably ceremonial.

Information Technology: Let me google that for you.

Computer Science (for straight women): The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

Computer Science (for straight men): You have no chance with her.

Chemistry: Where alcohol IS the solution.

Political Science: Your opinion is wrong.

Aerospace Engineering: It actually is rocket science.

Engineering: The art of figuring out which parameters you can safely ignore.

Structural Engineering: Because architects don’t know what physics is.

Philosophy: Think about it…

Communications: We’ll teach you everything you need to know about convincing your friends that your degree is actually meaningful.

Dental Hygienist: Something to do until you get knocked up.

Speech Pathology: We have ways of making you talk.

Linguistics: Study 17 languages, be fluent in none of them.

Criminal Justice: We’re here because of Law & Order reruns.

Photography: It’s worth a shot.

Statistics: Where everything’s made up and the numbers don’t matter.

Anthropology: It’ll get you laid, but it won’t get you paid.

Zoology: Because you can’t major in kittens.

Psychology: Good luck doing anything before getting your master’s.

Pre-Med: You’ll probably switch majors in 2 years.

History: History may repeat itself, but you definitely will.

English: So you want to be a teacher.

Film: Forks on the left, knives on the right.

Astrophysics: Eh, I’m within an order of magnitude…

Creative Writing: Because job security is for Bob Costas.

Latin: Because useful is overrated.

Physics: Everything you learned last week was wrong.

Nursing: Learning to save other’s lives while struggling not to take your own.

Marine Biology: I wanted to play with dolphins, instead I’m looking at algae.

Accounting: Selling your soul for money.

Finance: Because accounting was too hard.

Journalism: Learn how to construct an argument that no one will pay to listen to.

Art History: And you thought MAKING art was pointless.

Music Performance: If you don’t hate yourself, you’re doing it wrong.

Graphic Design: No, we aren’t artists. We’re designers.

In reply to Cone_Junkie: This is a joke thread, you need to go and start a flounder thread of your own.

Do not get this thread shut down.

Back on thread:

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!"

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

In reply to Flight Service: