Joke of the day

I wasn't upset, far from it. I was just correcting the stereo type about liberals to something reasonably close to reality (less Fox News and more facts) and agreeing that the joke wasn't racist but playing on rumors about the President and very easily could be applied to any politician.

I actually thought the joke was very funny. I think I will write one about everyone's favorite Canadian turned 'Murican Ted "I actually held a passport and citizenship in another country as a US Senator" Cruz

Here we go:

YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT INTERESTED IN USED FARM EQUIPMENT, BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIG'S LIST. FORTY THREE OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 (WASHINGTON, DC ) 1970 model manure spreader. Not sure of brand, picked it up in Texas. Said to have been produced in Canada, or America, not real clear due to conflicting paperwork. About half of it smuggled into the US via Cuba. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader in 2019. I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. Has been known to shut down other operations if it isn't used. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution. Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C with 99 other different model spreaders.

Accurate Slogans for College Majors:

Graphic Design: No, we aren’t artists. We’re designers.

That's funny

Me and Ms. Service were trying to set up a new password for our bill pay account. I said, use "Mypenis," and then Ms. Service said, "Won't work. Not long enough."

Spotted in SW Atlanta yesterday. I figured here would be a good place to leave this. I couldn't stop laughing.

What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response. 'Well, I'll be damned, 'Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

A drunk was sitting at a bar when a preacher came in ranting about the evils of alcohol.

He asked the bartender for a glass of water and a glass of straight vodka, he then pulled two fishing worms out of his pocket and put one in the water, where it wiggled and swam around, then put the other one in the vodkaand it died instantly.

He asked the drunk if he learned anything from that and the drunk said, "yeah. if you drink liquor you won't get worms."

In reply to Johnboyjjb:

I would suggest the correct listing for Journalism is: Learn to say "Do you want fries with that?"

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn't there.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I hate hypocrites, but I am one, so I'm okay with that.

I gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The chicken said 'That answers that question.'

How do you confuse an idiot? Purple.

stroker wrote: In reply to Johnboyjjb: I would suggest the correct listing for Journalism is: Learn to say "Do you want fries with that?"

Only because our loyal, loving, caring message boarders aren't all subscribers.

nudge nudge http://grassrootsmotorsports.com/subscribe/

LOL Tom!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/4348922714.html

"Mazda rx7

Babe, if you're reading this, please get off your phone and come to bed... Thanks

Xoxo, Your girlfriend who thinks you spend too much time on craigslist

Location: Portland do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers post

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email to friend

♥ best of [?]"

I was late for a plane and running to my gate. I wanted to go faster and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. It was then I realized I was at terminal velocity.

At least the crickets appreciated it.

Tom Suddard wrote:

stroker wrote: In reply to Johnboyjjb: I would suggest the correct listing for Journalism is: Learn to say "Do you want fries with that?"

Only because our loyal, loving, caring message boarders aren't all subscribers. *nudge nudge* http://grassrootsmotorsports.com/subscribe/

Hey, I am a 10 year guy.

stroker wrote: In reply to Johnboyjjb: I would suggest the correct listing for Journalism is: Learn to say "Do you want lies with that?"

FTFY

This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. A little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took a while for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Jamaican Club Daggering Dance commented by Jim Ross

What do dogs and Harley Davidsons have in common?

They both like riding home in the back of pickup trucks

From an Easter card I got today.

Why did the Easter Egg not cross the road?

Because it was a little chicken!

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

Q: Can I use cash to pay for a new electric car?

A: No, you have to charge it.

City slicker pulls up at a backwoods country store in a CTS-V. He goes inside to get a Coke and passes an old geezer in a rocker on the front porch with a mangy nasty looking mutt next to him.

On the way out, he stops and says to the old guy 'It's probably none of my business but that dog looks like he should be put out of his misery.'

The old coot replies 'I'll have you know that Old Red's the fastest dog in the state.'

'Impossible. That dog looks like he can't hardly stand up.'

'I got $100 says he can outrun with that fancy car of yours.'

'You are ON!!!'

The septugenarian gets in the passenger side, whistles to the dog and off they go. The driver holds at 35, feeling sorry for both the guy and the dog.

Old guy says 'You better pick it up, he ain't even trotting yet.'

The driver bumps it up to 60.

'He's just getting into his stride. I surely hope you can do better than this.'

The driver bumps it up to 90.

'He's getting his wind up now but you still ain't beating him.'

Caddy guy bumps it to 110.

'Better put your boot in it, son. Red's just loping along.'

The city slicker is PISSED by now, he's sure this is an elaborate joke. He slams on the brakes, comes to a stop, runs around to the passenger side and sure enough there's a mangy mutt over there. He stares dumbfounded, then looks closeley and hollers 'This isn't the same dog! He's wearing a collar and the dog at the store wasn't!'

Old dude looks at the dog and says 'That's not a collar, that's his azzhole. He ain't used to them sudden stops.'

One typo can derail a thread completely!

http://www.roadraceautox.com/showthread.php?49467-What-would-be-reasonable-to-expect-by-going-from-OEM-to-top-notch-dumpers

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."