Joke of the day

• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. evil
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
• When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
• A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
• Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
• I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
• Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

what do you call a fake rock in Ireland?? a shamrock.... .
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I know you`re Dublin over after that one...

The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

what is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence??? The cat has claws at the end of its paws and the sentence has a pause at the end of its clause...........

In reply to Adrian_Thompson:

these last two are excellent.

Dark humor is like food. Not everybody gets it.

Joseph Stalin

Do you know why corvettes don't get driven in the rain?

Because they'll shrink into a miata when they dry.

Did you know that the Final Fantasy franchise will stop at 29?

No one will be able to look up Final Fantasy XXX and find the video game.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

From my 11-year-old yesterday

How do you make holy water? Put some tap water into a pan and boil the hell out of it.

Science builds planes and skyscrapers... .
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But its faith that brings them together.

In reply to FlightService:

Ouch!

If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or are you weak???

An oldie, but fun. Trouble is it's now stuck in my head on play - repeat!

Wun Wun was a race horse
Tu Tu was one too
Wun Wun won a race one day
Tu Tu won one too.

Q- What's green and fuzzy and if it falls from a tree it will kill you?

A- A pool table.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some children's stories could become, asked a girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back and went, 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!' But before she could say 'berkeley!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

a man walks into a store and asks the store owner if they sell glass underwear.

the store owner gives him a confused look and says "that is ridiculous, we dont sell glass underwear".

later that day the store owner is outside cleaning up in front of his store, still dumbfounded by the mans request.

just then the man from earlier comes walking down the sidewalk in a pair of glass underwear.

The store owner see's him and say "man... first i though you were crazy, but now i can see you're nuts!"

Billy was spending the weekend at his grandparent's house.

Friday, Billy and Grandpa were fishing, and Grandpa was smoking a cigar. "Grandpa," asked Billy, "can I have a puff of your cigar?" Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass hole?" "No," replied Billy. "Well, then" Grandpa came back, "you can't have a puff of my cigar."

On Saturday, Grandpa was drinking a beer, while Billy helped him work on the lawnmower, in the garage. "Can I have a sip of your beer, Grandpa?" asked Billy. Grandpa again asked, "Can your dick touch your ass hole?" Sadly, again, Billy said, "No." "Well, then" Grandpa replied, "you can't have a sip of my beer."

Sunday afternoon rolls around, and Billy is sitting on the front porch, eating a plate full of cookies. Grandpa, taking a break from mowing the lawn, sees him and asks, "Ooh, cookies! May I have one, Billy?" Billy smartly asks him, "Can your dick touch your ass hole?" Proudly, Grandpa replied, "Why, yes, it can!" Billy turned away with his plate of cookies saying, "Then you can go berk yourself. Grandma made these for me!"

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every way.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on there as long as you can.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said: "Olaf...you're the first one! No one has EVER seen deez."

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ... still in the CRATE!"

I never thought INXS and Soundgarden had much in common.

I guess the singers liked to hang out, though.

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

Introducing, The iVac!

The first Apple product that doesn't suck!!