Agreed?
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!#..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Makes me laugh every time I read it.
I was thinking the same thing. Never ceases to make me laugh every time I read it.
My first time reading this. Love it. Especially the wire wheel comment.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
HAHAHAHA sad to admit, ive done it. Lifted the front end of the car up.
spitfirebill wrote: My first time reading this. Love it. Especially the wire wheel comment.
Mine too, hence my desire to share, especially with this crowd.
Originally written by Peter Egan. It's funny to see how it "improves" as it gets shipped around. For example, the engine hoist is "A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect" and the wire wheel makes reference to Django Reinhardt. It's the difference between okay writing and brilliant writing.
Original: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Workshop/Definitions.htm
I think egan mantioned the ground straps...
He cracks me up, and has an amazing insight into the hilarity of things.
Joey
Yes, I quoted Egan's description.
I once had the chance to spend an afternoon hanging out with him, talking about everything from Lotuses to why nobody can recognize an old Cadillac to Hank William's last road trip. He's exactly as you'd expect in person.
Chuck subscribes to Cycle World too, and the first thing I look at is the picture inside the back cover. The second is Egan's article.
I honestly think I have actually done every one of those things at one time or another. Probably what makes it so funny.
The drill press usually just grabs the metal and spins it around propeller like until it takes a nice chunk out of my hand and I step away and go looking for something to sop up the blood.
Peter Egan is the only reason I still subscribe to Road & Track. If I could have a beer with any living automotive writer, he's the top of the (very short) list. The others would probably be Satch Carlson and Pete Lyons.
SupraWes wrote: The drill press usually just grabs the metal and spins it around propeller like until it takes a nice chunk out of my hand and I step away and go looking for something to sop up the blood.
Popularly known as the Helicopter maneuver. I have a nice exit wound scar on my thumb from that situation. Hurt long and deep. Yep, I learned some things from that.
joey48442 wrote: I think egan mantioned the ground straps... He cracks me up, and has an amazing insight into the hilarity of things. Joey
and he's just about the only reason I still subscribe to R/T
jgp1843 wrote: Peter Egan is the only reason I still subscribe to Road & Track. If I could have a beer with any living automotive writer, he's the top of the (very short) list. The others would probably be Satch Carlson and Pete Lyons.
add B.S Levy
It's more of a challenge to keep up with BS conversationally. He's a nut. Again, just like you might expect...
You can find all of Peter Egan's articles online at the R&T website. It'll save you the money of a subscription and you don't have to wade through the comparison tests of ten $250,000 plus supercars that you'll likely never even get to see in real life.
Hilarious!
And, Egan's original is definitely the best:
Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
slantvaliant wrote:SupraWes wrote: The drill press usually just grabs the metal and spins it around propeller like until it takes a nice chunk out of my hand and I step away and go looking for something to sop up the blood.Popularly known as the Helicopter maneuver. I have a nice exit wound scar on my thumb from that situation. Hurt long and deep. Yep, I learned some things from that.
Last time I did that my wife and daughter were in the shop. Yeta (my wife) says "you need a vice to hold that" What do you think was on the bench next to my eldow?
Hello to all
For precision drilling a drill press is pretty well a necessity, they are available in both floor standing and bench top styles. A good heavy duty model will have at least a 3/4 HP motor and a 5/8" chuck. The size of a drill press is determined by the distance the drill bit is from the column, a 12" drill press would be capable of drilling a hole in the center of a 12" disk. Speeds are selected by the arrangement of belts on stepped pulleys, most have three pulleys and two belts, to deliver a range of 12 or 16 speeds from 210 to 3840 RPM.
Thanks for sharing
SupraWes wrote: The drill press usually just grabs the metal and spins it around propeller like until it takes a nice chunk out of my hand and I step away and go looking for something to sop up the blood.
For some reason my first instinct is always to try to grab it to stop the spinning.
oops, double post!
arren said: Hello to all For precision drilling a drill press is pretty well a necessity, they are available in both floor standing and bench top styles. A good heavy duty model will have at least a 3/4 HP motor and a 5/8" chuck. The size of a drill press is determined by the distance the drill bit is from the column, a 12" drill press would be capable of drilling a hole in the center of a 12" disk. Speeds are selected by the arrangement of belts on stepped pulleys, most have three pulleys and two belts, to deliver a range of 12 or 16 speeds from 210 to 3840 RPM. Thanks for sharing
may I be the first to say it. What the hell?
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