Oh it is so much worse

Mndsm said:

So, I asked swmbo. 

 

Her take was, she was missing something. Confidence, self worth, etc. She basically echoed what I said, be as supportive as you can without making the guy an issue. 

By taking MTN's advice and Ovid's you can essentially do this. MTN suggest taking a strong interest and making her think critically. She knows how you feel about him, but she needs to know you care, but are not going to take control of her life. Beyond the discussion find out who the parole officer is just in case and do nothing.

By now everybody knows my penchant for over reaction and aggressive behavior, so I'll keep the fun parts to myself. I will repeat what I said in the rant thread though, even though she's 18 and her own woman now, you should probably have a talk with him or his wife. Preferably in your old military uniform. You put her senior pic in the hot link thread, based exclusively on that, I wouldn't think she was 18, and God knows this is likely far from his first extra marital adventure. 

Maybe an anonymous tip to a parole officer needs to be made, especially if he's the parent of a 16 year old.

NOHOME said:

Both my wife and my daughter have sat Dear dad down and explained that as much as women will never realize how simple men are,

Heh so true. So many conflicts in a relationship come from men momentarily forgetting that women aren't anywhere near as emotionally simple as men are, or women believing that men are secretly anywhere near as emotionally complicated as women are (despite all evidence to the contrary). Even those who swing the other way aren't safe from it, you see the same dynamic with top/bottom and butch/femme.

Poor KyAllroad, his daughter took it straight to 11 on the first try. My sister only went out with some goth weirdos and trashy dudebros in her bad boy phase.

What ever you do, don’t give this boyfriend any material to play your daughter against you. This type of people are typically skilled and trained in manipulating people, laying and controlling. If she comes crying to him because you guys “just don’t understand, trying to stop their love, etc”, then he will be the comfort, the safety and the love. You don’t want to end up there. 

If it was me, I would be super careful to not sound judgmental, not cut of her funds, etc. Just repeat that you are concerned for her due to his history (should be very obvious) and that you are always available 24/7 whatever she needs. Even if it is at the police station at 2am, or at a trailer park, or whatever. Repeat that you will always love her and just want what is best for her.

You want mom and dad to be the place she calls when E36 M3 get scary.

She is 18. Love comes and goes quickly. There is a good chance she breaks up with him in a month or so.

You should totally just act like your this dude's best friend. 

Invite him over for beers. Talk about his tattoos. Play video games with him. 

Then, tell your step-daughter that you're gonna go some tattoos too. Around that time it'll hit her that this dude is a loser.

Just finished the first cycle of my Daughter moving in with a guy. The best I can deduce is that attractive women get so much play and game thrown at them that they can't see through the white out conditions.

My daughter I think tried to say that since every man wants her she feels a bit less than. As in her looks are maybe the only thing good about her. She may want to be with college bound focused Kevin but after a date or two finds out he just wants to have sex as friends. So the tatted up guy who starts the discussion with let's go do it seems like a bit of clarity in the storm. It seemed my daughter felt most in control as at least the sex talk was in the open. 

In my situation, he was a loser but not trouble. So she moved out then eventually realized she was giving up her life for his. I don't think this is the end of the trials. There will be another obviously non fit soon I am sure.

Try to shift the talking to be more about how, as she is an adult, you will continue to emotionally support her and begin to be a source of knowledge about men instead of a judge. I haven't made that transition in full yet but it has helped us for me to try. Ask thoughtful questions and let her talk without your judgement. Don't bring anything up hypothetical. Sounds like her mother needs to have an open talk about bad boy lust and you just support and help her talk herself through it.

After a tense week of continued lies and drama from the girl, we're set to meet the boyfriend this evening.  It's mainly been Tiger Moms show so I've been largely staying out of her way and letting her steer things.

My part will be to remind him that she is a high school student right now and has one month left till graduation, and that if he cares about her at all he'll make himself scarce till then so she doesn't risk running off the rails.  Maybe given a bit of a break she'll start to recognize he's a problem and that she can find a less objectionable guy virtually anywhere.

Sorry, guy.  I've seen this kind of thing before.  A girl in my high school class, well, more like 5 years of school through high school, brilliant.  IQ in the 140's.  In high school, she had a "boyfriend" that was in his late 20's and I think a minor local drug dealer.  Stoned or drunk all the time.  She did about everything, pot, acid, cocaine, etc.  No heroin that I know of, at least not through high school.  She stayed with him, sort of, for a while, had a baby, never got married or went to college and went into HR.  Total waste of a brilliant mind.

pheller said:

You should totally just act like your this dude's best friend. 

Invite him over for beers. Talk about his tattoos. Play video games with him. 

Then, tell your step-daughter that you're gonna go some tattoos too. Around that time it'll hit her that this dude is a loser.

This is seriously the best course of action here. He’s her “forbidden fruit”. Once that’s gone, so will be her attraction to him. 

And hell, maybe you’ll help him out a bit by giving him some normalcy. 

KyAllroad (Jeremy) said:

My part will be to remind him that she is a high school student right now and has one month left till graduation, and that if he cares about her at all he'll make himself scarce till then so she doesn't risk running off the rails.  Maybe given a bit of a break she'll start to recognize he's a problem and that she can find a less objectionable guy virtually anywhere.

Think about what he is going to say to her about this conversation. You can bet he'll be just honest enough to use it against you.

Maybe instead publicly ask him what his plans are for the next month, for the summer, for the next 5 years. And also what her plans are. I bet everyone comes away from that having learned something!

Robbie said:

KyAllroad (Jeremy) said:

My part will be to remind him that she is a high school student right now and has one month left till graduation, and that if he cares about her at all he'll make himself scarce till then so she doesn't risk running off the rails.  Maybe given a bit of a break she'll start to recognize he's a problem and that she can find a less objectionable guy virtually anywhere.

Think about what he is going to say to her about this conversation. You can bet he'll be just honest enough to use it against you.

Maybe instead publicly ask him what his plans are for the next month, for the summer, for the next 5 years. And also what her plans are. I bet everyone comes away from that having learned something!

This. Don't talk to him in private, at all. He will lie about what you said, or at least twist your words, playing her against you. Rather make sure she hear every words you say to him.

We're meeting at a restaurant (all 4 of us).  I suppose it means I can't bring in my vice grips and blowtorch.  He should be thankful for that.

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

So he isn't getting a tour of the wall of angle grinders then? Shame. 

In reply to RevRico :

Trust me, keeping that side contained right now is a real struggle.  I'm a combat veteran and skilled in the use of medical devices, crossing my family or hurting one of us has the potential to end painfully.  My job tonight will be to quietly convey that without making him feel he needs to puff up and make the whole thing a pissing match. 

Honestly I just can't figure dudes like this out. I'm only 23 and every recent encounter I've had with an 18-19 year old anyone, female or otherwise, just makes me ask myself if I was that dumb at that age. 

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

I keep trying to think of this encounter from his perspective. But I can't. If I was him I wouldn't probably wouldn't even show up. Then again, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, but that's neither here nor there.

Sit up straight, simple mono tone answers, speak only when spoken to, and just stare. Through him, not even in his direction, just elsewhere. Probably the scariest thing to see across the table from his perspective, because you should be angry and argumentative, but you're just kinda there. 

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

you shouldn't post stuff like that, in case it comes down to stuff like that.

Put me down for:  He does not show. 

If he does, he will bait the situation to try to get things out of hand and uncivil as quickly as possible.  

So, said another way:

1. He does not show
2. If he does show, he does not stay.  

I genuinely hope it goes better than this.  I really feel for you and the burden this must be causing you.  

Just let him know her car insurance bill and cell phone bill are due. You already paid them, so he owes you $x. There’s an ATM a few doors down, you’ll wait. 

Or invite the wife. 

In reply to Dr. Hess :

Sounds like a Kid Rock song. 

He showed.  We were all very civil.  Tiger Mom had a bit of difficulty reigning it in at times but we took turns reminding him that at 31 he is the adult and that he should know better.  

The whole thing probably didn’t accomplish much but he claims to not use or deal anymore.   Apparently he’s been out longer than she had told us, so that’s better than we feared.   

I didn’t threaten grievous bodily harm but let him know in no uncertain terms he was not welcome in our lives.   

Good times.

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

You are a far bigger and better disciplined man than I sir. 

But at least everyone made it through ok. 

Serious tone: God Bless Ya

Less serious tone : Will he be attending Prom? 

So...you guys getting tats together soon?