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Forums » Off-topic discussion » Think you've had a E36 M3ty morning? 1 2

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:14 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  Well today I got out of the house at a decent time, nothing really bad had happened up to that point. It was raining of course, but we have rain down here like the poles have snow. The Sammy was parked on the grass just on the curb. I got in and drove off, but the fog was already starting to form. The FogX had probably been used up overnight with the small pools of water on the floor and all, but I drove off and hoped it might clear up as I got moving.

  It only got worse. I reached for my last resort, a ziplock bag full of paper towels. Apparently it wasn't sealed properly and it was fulll of dirty water. Crap. I was in the line of parked traffic just outside my neighborhood so I figured I better just turn back and fix it. Man, something smelled like crap. The Samurai usually has a rotting plant smell in it, but this was different. It smelled like dog poop, but how is that possible?

  So I got home and quickly dried the windscreen and reapplied some FogX, and I was off again. The awful traffic made me about 45 minutes late, and that bad smell was there the whole time.

  So I finally get to work in the Lunch Room and I realized the smell was STILL THERE. CRAP. So I look on the bottom of my shoes and...yep, poop. I recognized the poop instantly, it was my neighbor's stupid berkeleying little hellspawn dog that gets out and methodically E36 M3s on the grass around my jeep. I must have stepped in it on the one step in the grass I take while getting into the jeep. The good thing about this dog's poop is that it's like play-dough, so it doesn't spread. The bad part about this is that it also doesn't come off.

  So I went back outside in the rain and scraped the poop off. I pretty much got all of it but the smell was still there. In fact, I think I freshened it up a bit somehow. And now I'm still smelling it as I type this, and will have to smell it for the rest of the day.

  I want a politician here to step in some poop and implement pooper-scooper laws. That should decimate dog ownership. I have a dog but I keep it on my own property, unlike almost everyone else.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:22 a.m. John Brown UltimaDork

  Easier plan is to NOT step in E36 M3.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:28 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  It's very well camoflaged. The grass is tall, and also I'm in a hurry. The worst part is that there isn't really any more space to park on the street.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:30 a.m. 914Driver HalfDork

  1). Sprinkle cayenne pepper on your lawn near the Sammy.

  2). Buy a BB gun and crack the dog in the tender bits.

  3). Go knuckle up your neighbor.

  Pick one of these options.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:32 a.m. SoloSonett Reader

  Simple solution:

  Park on the dog

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:34 a.m. John Brown UltimaDork

  Sonnett may have just taken the lead.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:36 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  The stench is somehow getting worse. It's overpowering. The rain outside is torrential. I stand firm by my idea of having everyone keep their hooligan yippy dog feces-dispensers on their own property, which I think is being pretty generous considering the amount of noise the little berkeleyers make whenever they're not sleeping (which is almost always, I'm pretty sure they just "microsleep" between barking fits and never really sleep in the traditional sense). I always have to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting these things when they run out in the road in front of my vehicle barking like mad whenever I drive down the road towards my house. All it would take is for "my foot to slip" or "brakes to lock"...I think I am too nice of a person.

• 

  Oct. 3, 2008 8:39 a.m. rob_lewis Dork

  John Brown wrote:

  Easier plan is to NOT step in E36 M3.

  And in case you're confused by that:

  This is dog E36 M3: This is Shinola:

  

  -Rob

• 

  Oct. 3, 2008 8:44 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  Okay guys, crunch time. Can anyone come up with a semi-believable reason for me to take my shoes off in an office tower? They look pretty clean but the stench could knock you out. My ideas are:

  1. "They got soaked on the way here, I'm letting them dry out"

  That's pretty much it.

  Oh look I have a meeting in 45 minutes and I have to do some work in the CEO's office.

  Okay for now I took 'em off and put them in a corner. I confirmed that the bottom is pretty much clean but SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS THE WREAKING IS AWFUL.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 8:58 a.m. SoloSonett Reader

  Tell everyone it's "Foot wear like pirate day!"

  Throw the shoes out. ANd then throw in some Arrgs.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 9:02 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  I haven't had to tell anyone why I'm walking around with no shoes yet but #1 seems like the most plausible so far. Meeting in 30 minutes.

  I've underestimated the uppityness around here. Just had to move my shoes out of sight of the reception area (about 100ft. away)...and closer to the cubicle next to me. The woman there doesn't deserve any hint of smell she might get. This is wrong.

  She guessed that my shoes got wet and I said yes. Excuse #1 it is.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 9:08 a.m. SoloSonett Reader

  I "returned " my neighor's ciggarette butts. Picked them up and placed them on the windshield wiper of his trinked out Jeep Cherokee.

  Dog poop came next!

  Next day? His daughters were out scoopin poop outta my yard!

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  Oct. 3, 2008 9:23 a.m. confuZion3 HalfDork

  I guess it's too late, but you could tell your boss that the little rat that lives next door to you E36 M3 all over your yard, you stepped in it getting into your car, and you wanted to do them all a courtesy by not wearing your poopy shoes in the meeting.

  Or, the Iron Man competition thing works too . . .

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  Oct. 3, 2008 9:26 a.m. confuZion3 HalfDork

  Careful about animal cruelty though. It's not the dog's fault: it's his human's. A guy in Baltimore is in prison now for "stomping a cat to death". According to the guy, the cat was after his sandwich.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 9:32 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  confuZion3 wrote: I guess it's too late, but you could tell your boss that the little rat that lives next door to you E36 M3 all over your yard, you stepped in it getting into your car, and you wanted to do them all a courtesy by not wearing your poopy shoes in the meeting.

  My boss is actually the only one who knows the horrible truth. He's pretty understanding with things when there's no deadline involved. I'm trying to avoid bringing up poop at a breakfast meeting (Oh, GTG)

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  Oct. 3, 2008 10:24 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  OK made it through the meeting. Here's my plan: If it stops raining, during lunch break I take a trip to the bank and wipe my shoes across every square inch of a nearby field which is now wet. Else: Keep shoes off until I'm ready to leave at the end of the day.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 10:25 a.m. EastCoastMojo Reader

  I say wait until you get home and wipe the shoes on the neighbor's dog.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 10:31 a.m. fastEddie Dork

  Or on your neighbor.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 10:42 a.m. EastCoastMojo Reader

  You've got two shoes, use one on each!

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  Oct. 3, 2008 10:52 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  Neighbor-to-neighbor relations are a little more complicated than that...I can't really get aggressive with the neighbors unless I want to take on the title of Grand Fuhrer Oppressor Supreme. It wouldn't be an issue if I already knew the owners of this particular dog, but I don't.

  You see in my country people of my complexion are a minority...and we're seen as being a bunch of wealthy uppity snobs who feel we're better than everyone else (when we're not getting E36 M3faced drunk on our yachts, on golf courses, in our clubs, and going between the yachts and clubs and golf courses). This sucked especially hard when I was somewhat poor growing up, and also when people automatically expect me to know how to mix drinks, pilot watercraft, and want to get E36 M3-faced drunk. As a mixed person I could also be interpreted to be of another race which is also a minority and is seen as being a bunch of unfriendly reclusive money-grubbers. Not good either.

  The size of my family's house (I don't know why my parents like huge houses so much, but they're getting over it) and the fact that I'm the only person on the block with two cars and at the only house on the block with more cars than people does not help this.

  So by playing directly into one of these stereotypes by telling the neighbors to keep their dogs off the field next to my house so that I won't step in their poop while getting into one of my cars, I'm disturbing a nitroglycerine-soaked tinderbox of racial animosity with a hot poker, so basically I have to solve this problem without disturbing the neighbors. While I don't know the neighbors, quite sadly my experience tells me that there is a non-negligible chance that things will get racial with any given person, so I should avoid confrontation.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 11:06 a.m. EastCoastMojo Reader

  Well then i would suggest 914's method of using copious amounts of cayenne pepper on the area around the Sammy and reapply after it rains. This should work really well.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 11:25 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  Sounds good. I've actually been thinking of doing that to keep my own cats from jumping on the cars...

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  Oct. 3, 2008 11:54 a.m. GameboyRMH Dork

  Okay did the grass shuffle for a few minutes at lunch time...the stench is greatly diminished or maybe even gone...

  UPDATE: Oh crap it's redoubling its strength. Not as strong as before but definitely still there.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 12:16 p.m. John Brown UltimaDork

  Check your pantleg.

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  Oct. 3, 2008 12:29 p.m. EastCoastMojo Reader

  You're just going to have to strip down completely for the rest of the day dude.

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