Make time to check in on your friends | Column

In reply to Mr_Asa :

I lost touch with a good friend for about 10 years. While out on a out of town contract, I retold a story with him in it, and told myself I would look him up that summer while home. Got a call a month later that he has passed at 55 to cancer. 
Never put it off!

Use my ashes to mark the start line at an autocross, hope everybody has a good time!

There is truth in everyone's posts here.  That said the last 2.5 years have been hard on relationships and really show you who your true friends are.  Adversity can clarify a friendship quickly.  Cherish your closest friends and family.  I will be celebrating the loss of a friend later this week.  It happened pretty unexpectedly and all too quick.  I know we had made plans to do something this fall together, but now that will never happen. 

In reply to AnthonyGS (Forum Supporter) :

Sorry for your loss, and sorry the last few years have been hard for you, and some others. 
I've been blessed, to not have had the same hardships. Other than the financial, and that was ok during the worst of it. Zero relationship problems surfaced, thankfully. The economic slide to hell, has affected me worse than most, but has not lost me any friends. 

In reply to 03Panther :

Sounds like we had opposite experiences.  I had enough means to sit out the finance stuff and wait for the right opportunity, but I've seen other loss though.  If there is anything I know, you too will persevere and recover.  Sometimes when things appear really bad it ends up leading to better things.  I've had this cycle repeat a few times.  

AnthonyGS (Forum Supporter) said:

Sometimes when things appear really bad it ends up leading to better things.  I've had this cycle repeat a few times.  

I've seen that cycle. And much appreciate the positive vibes. 
Sadly, financially, this is not one of those cycles 

I won't starve to death between now and dying of old age, but although working through the crazy, lots of folks were paid more than me, to sit home. That's ok, I've never accepted welfare, despite qualifying a time or two. I was on a job that, with overtime, paid about $1000 a month less than my monthly bills. Cost of living is going up by leaps and bounds (while we are being told how much better it's getting)  and income (for me) has hit the ceiling   

Again, aside from some struggles with depression, im blessed with a great wife, friends, and decent health. Early retirement would have been nice, but working till I die with wrenches in my hand is ok, too. 

In reply to 03Panther :

My Dad was born in 1934 and retired in 1997 and he was making the equivalent of 45K per year today. He went back to work within about 6 months and worked past 83rd birthday. He was working as a school crossing guard for the last three years of his life. 

He enjoyed life every day.

In reply to Junkers :

I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced.

We have all experienced loss and darkness in our lives to various degrees. It affects us in different ways and depths and durations.  It can shade our views, sometimes permanently. Having lost my father when he was 55 and I was 20 affected me deeply. So I understand the darkness. I worked thru it over the years with my faith. I chose not to avoid or mute my relationship with my family or friends because while loss hurts, their lives enrich mine so much. As the OP states check up on your friends!!!

In reply to 03Panther :

Sorry to hear this.  My dad is still working at 77.  He drives a school bus these days and likes the kids.  I find it sad his generation is the first one to pay into social security their entire lives but many can't retire.  

Social media has definitely changed how many of us interact with friends. 

As someone who went to school in the Before Times, I lost touch with a lot of friends–with every move came a new phone number, a new mailing address. I lost touch with everyone from high school and a bunch of people I knew in college.

I've reconnected with many. Most of the experiences have been positive–very positive–and I've only had to let a few people go. (I've let some car people go, too.)

One reconnect was with a girl I knew in college. She was a year or two older than us–totally one of the cool/beautiful people–but always so sweet and friendly.

We all reconnected through social media, and her posts were mostly about the kids, the dogs, normal stuff. She lived a thousand miles away from here, so low odds of ever meeting for lunch. It was always nice to see her like a post. 

Two years ago–I saw it as we were setting up for trick or treaters–a post on her FB started with, "Hello from her kids...."

I knew it wasn't going to be good news. And it wasn't.

I don't know the specifics but, yeah, check in with your buds. 

In reply to AnthonyGS (Forum Supporter) :

Thanks!

I'm a bit bitter at some I've the reasons I'm broke, but otherwise ok. And I know I have a ton of company, out here in the cheap seats. 

And I have a nice roof over my head, and ain't wondering how to find a meal. We've got the basics covered, and a lot of folks do not even have that. I Only have first world complaints!!!

Thanks again for the kind vibes!!!

johndej said:

In reply to Junkers :

So if I understand right,  love, hate, or ignore all objectively and with caution, got it .

Actually my point was multifaceted which is why it was difficult to sift out.  You got the part about being objective.   Yes, you do want to always stand objective of your emotions, feelings, and most importantly EGO.  You didn't get what I said about love or hate, though - but kind-of in a way you DID get what I said.  You have to stand objective to what you call "love" and what you call "hate."  Hate is unnecessary in all instances and helps no one.  Hate doesn't need to hide except when the ego uses it, so we pretty much know what hate is and what it looks like.  Love is the part nobody actually understands and that's likely where I got most of the hate directed at me.  There's the kind of love that corrects (this usually injures/insults the ego), then there's the kind of love which nurtures and builds up.  It's a nuanced thing to let THAT kind of love go over the top.  We all do it when we "fall in love."  Why is love a fall?  Because we let it move us into worshipping another person when we TAKE IT TOO FAR (that's what everybody missed in my posts).  If you worship your wife or girlfriend, she'll resent you for it because you didn't use that objective restraining force when you saw (or failed to see) that you were gushing love on her or fawning on her too much.  Women see it as being "icky."  I've learned to spot when admiration goes too far.  It means nothing if I tell you all what that breaking point is - you have to practice objectivity so you see it for yourself.  Intellectuals memorize tricks while intuitive people simply BE and SEE.

I think I see now why men don't understand women and think they're too complex.  Women are honest with their feelings and don't rationalize them away.  In their gut they know something is wrong although they know they shouldn't be the one having to correct it out of the man - this is what they want when they say, "can't you just get it?"  In that case the man can't possibly get it because he's long rationalized away the cause of the bad feelings.  He learned how to make excuses and ignore the bad feelings away.  Or he's learned to drink/drug them away or womanize them away with new women every few months.  There's an almost infinite number of words/ways you can use to ignore what's broken inside.

Sorry if I ramble on so much - one thing leads me into another.  If anyone doesn't understand something that bugs them, put it in a quote and I'll explain it more.  Give your thoughts or interpretation and I'll be happy to explain.  If I'm wrong, I invite all challengers.... I appreciate correction!

Anyway, Johndej, you're the closest one here to the kingdom of heaven (to use the phrases that the Christian people use).

Women are more honest about their feelings? Have you ever had a women tell you she's fine? 

Hate SHOULD be unnecessary. But hate can be good. I try not to use hate towards people. I'm not going to give anything more of myself to such a person. I move on (as best I can.)

I reserve the word hate and its connotations for worthy things. Things like Racism, and misogyny, and child abuse. Things that deserve to be destroyed. But a person? Na, not worth it.

I'm not a big fan of the new down vote system.  I missed the interesting post, can't really comprehend the last post, but sure would like to see what sort of weirdness was there.

In reply to Streetwiseguy :

You can unhide the post.

In reply to David S. Wallens :

I've been on FB for about 3 years and it has been a great way to keep in touch and reconnect.

Yes we do some times get horrible news via social media but I'd rather that then the 3am phone calls that someone just died.

In reply to Junkers :

I tell my wife she is beautiful every day (because she is). When we go to sleep I say goodnight beautiful, every night..........we've been married 32 years. Pretty sure she likes the "smothering".............I get a great smile and hug before I head off to work every morning.

As for hate and ego..............I hate getting things really wrong because, yes, it wounds my ego. This motivates me to do better; no one wants to be known as a colossal screw up. Do I care what other people think about me, no. I care what I think about me.

In reply to Junkers :

We have thoroughly hijacked David's thread.  I encourage you to throw up a fresh thread. It would make for an interesting continuation.

In reply to Appleseed :

So in an effort to get us back on track:

Last month a friend posted up a pic of her 79 Raceinc BMX bike on FB and noted she could no longer ride it. I jokingly said she needed to sell it to me............she said she would but only for X amount of dollars, to which I agreed immediately.

When I called to work out the details turns out she was in a bit of a financial pickle and was terrible emotional state.  My best friend, who just passed, built the bike custom for her and I'm totally bummed he's gone (diabetes ain't not joke).  

In the end her problem is fixed and I have a nice memento that I can remember my friend by.....we are both in a happier place.

To David's point you never know where someone may be on a given day so checking on them may just make their day.  

Streetwiseguy said:

I missed the interesting post, can't really comprehend the last post, but sure would like to see what sort of weirdness was there.

It can all be summed up by his statement that: "There's an almost infinite number of words/ways you can use to ignore what's broken inside."

In reply to Tom1200 :

Which reminds me, I need to check up on my buddy Big Ry.

Appleseed said:

In reply to Junkers :

We have thoroughly hijacked David's thread.  I encourage you to throw up a fresh thread. It would make for an interesting continuation.

I didn't mean to hijack.  Can you imagine if I started a thread?  I just like to provoke some thought.

In reply to Junkers :

Trust me, you should. There are an amazing variety of philosophies here.