Coaching youth sports

Our first game is this upcoming Sunday. I'm excited about! Also worried that I may forget some seemingly mundane detail about the prep for the game, but will prove to be important.

Frustratingly I sent out a few emails over the past week with some details, and requests from the parents regarding a quick meeting I want to hold either before or after practice on Tuesday or Friday. I've has 3 parents reply. Is it really that difficult to respond to an email? Maybe it's just me, but this group of parents are really poor communicators. Maybe I need to send smoke signals?

Chris

I spent the entire day yesterday at a travel ball tournament with my son who is on a 12U team. Arrived at 10 am for the first game at 11. Next game at 2. Since we won both games but gave up more runs than the other 2-0 teams, we played at 7 for third place. By that time the kids were pretty tired, and they let the game which they could certainly have won, slip away in fairly ugly fashion. Not a great end to a long day. At least the weather was nice.

In reply to Mazdax605:

Maybe try using Doodle to schedule the meeting?

Doodle

In the invite tell them the deadline and schedule it based on the responses received by the deadline.

Are there any required forms ("code of conduct", consent to treat, or waiver of liability forms) that the parents need to turn in that you can leverage for getting the parents to attend?

We had our first game on Sunday at 11:10 AM at a rink I had never been to in a town just south of Boston, so probably a 45 minute drive for us. The game was pretty good, and our kids played okay. We won 6-0 which sounds like we played better than okay, but really the other team wasn't very good, and we had one kid (yes the one with the troublesome parents) that had 4 goals and 2 assists. Yes he figured in on every goal we scored. Pretty impressive!

Truth be told I didn't learn much from the game as far as who is suited for which position, and I don't really care as I want to be able to move them around anyway. I did learn that we have a lot of work left to do before we become a good team. The result says we are good, but I'm not buying it. I thought the team we played against would be good as they have a good program, and come from a wealthy town, but it didn't prove to be true. Maybe it was just a fluke. It was the first game for both teams.

For some reason I had a hard time sleeping the night before, but I think it was more due to me worrying about forgetting some mundane detail that the coach can't forget, or if I had the lines set up good. I should be better moving forward, but we have a tough test this Saturday. FYI it's tough dividing 12 skaters in lines, and defense pairs. Especially when you only know of maybe 3 kids that can, and want to play defense. Oh yeah, and we have 10 righty's, and only 3 lefty's.

The hard part is over, you got your first game out of the way. Remember that you did this to help the kids learn how to play and have fun. You too will learn how to coach and it is supposed to be fun for you as well. Congrats on the win. As for all the righty's, tell the kids it is waaaay cooler to be a lefty, the chicks really love lefty's and then you will have 12 lefty's and 1 righty, the goalie 'cause he already gets the girls. Figures mister smarty pants really is good at getting goals!

Last night I had the kid whom I've had some run ins with his parents already tell me in a very serious manner that I suck at hockey. This was during power skating drills where we encourage the kids and show some of the drills to them. I've got thick skin and in the grand scheme of things he's right, I probably do suck at hockey, but I sure as E36 M3 don't need a 10 year old kid I'm coaching tell me that. I'm not sure how to handle it truthfully, but I sort of laughed it off last night when he said it. I'm not sure if he said it thinking he's funny or not, but it felt like he really believed it. How should I handle this?

In reply to Mazdax605:

My first instinct is to say ignore it and let it slide off your back. If somebody isn't pissed at you, your not doing your job right.

But then I thought again, "Where did he get that idea?" (Either the idea that you suck, OR the idea that it was OK to say that to his coach)...

Answer- his parents. Probably his father. He is going home every night listening to Pop bitch about you and tell him he is a demi-god, and now it has soaked in enough to leak out through his mouth.

Child rearing and discipline is ultimately the parents responsibility, not yours. They obviously suck at it. So, I think I would encourage a little Parenting 101 by sending home a few lessons about their kid.

I'd have a talk with the parents. I'd tell them, "I understand that your son is not happy with my coaching decisions. In spite of the fact that we won our first game, he made a point of telling me that I suck at hockey. I am bringing it to you because I can not tolerate this type of behavior on my team. I would appreciate it if you would address this matter with your son. If it continues, I will bring it to the attention of the league, and make sure he is benched for the maximum amount of time this season the league permits. If this team is not where Johnny would like to play, I can accept that, and he is welcome to go elsewhere. But if he stays on the team, I expect him to be part of the team, not part of breaking the team apart. Thanks for your help!"

Then document it through a written communication to the Director, and follow through to the exact letter of what you said.

You can't cater to one whining little turd (probably Pop) to the detriment of the entire team.

Interesting week of coaching hockey. Had my favorite kid tell me I suck at hockey(see above post), had a mother complain about where I was playing her kid, and the mother of my favorite kid (sarcasm font) complain about her kid playing defense for a period plus.

So on Saturday I mentioned to my assistant coaches that I had a plan for the game on Sunday, that included moving a couple of kids back to defense that hadn't played there yet this season(we have played 2 games). One of the assistants mentioned it to one of the kids I had penciled in on defense. I got a sort of angry email on Saturday night from said kids mother telling me he was disappointed in having to play defense, and she didn't understand why I was doing this. By the way she wasn't at my team meeting where I covered this. I explained that I want to have every kid play every position as I believe it makes a better player. Fast forward to today, and I pulled the kid aside before the game, and explained why I had him playing defense, and that his mother had said he was disappointed about that decision. He was totally cool with it, and didn't care where he played. Not sure why I got the email then.

So on to the game. I had the line up set, and all went well. We were up maybe 10-0 or so, and I decided to put one of the kids who has only played defense all last year, and this year as well up at center so he could try to score maybe, but mostly so he could take a few face offs. I moved my favorite kid(sarcasm again) back to defense as he already had three goals, and the team we were playing was really weak, and we could probably have scored 20+ goals on them. I told the kid to play defense, and pass the puck. He responded with "can I take a shot on a breakaway?" I said sure but only if you are left with no other options. We pulled all the kids in, and said pass the puck, don't run up the score.

We ended up winning 14-0, but truthfully I had no idea how many we were up by after say 7 or so goals as they only post a 5 goal difference. Favorite kid played one period, maybe 1.5 periods on defence, and said he liked it while on the bench. I can see why as it gets him more ice time. He had a hat trick, and probably a few assists, but the ref was alone, and wasn't awarding assists. It didn't matter anyway.

I sent favorite kids mother an email telling her I was proud that he moved back to defence without complaining, and I thought he looked well back there. She responded with a nasty email saying that they were only okay with it under the circumstances, and that she didn't understand why I would put my best goal scorer on defence. I replied with an email stating the fact that I was building a team of hockey players, and that playing defence will make him a better player. She reminded me of the conversation before the season started about his disabilities and that he doesn't like change, and that it will cause him to act out. I also mentioned that the move was only because we were killing the other team, and I didn't think anyone benefits from a blow out. I don't think they get it. Wait until I start the kid on defence.

How do I play this? Ignore it, and hope it goes away, or nip it in the bud, and tell them to get berkeleyed if they don't like my coaching? It seems I can't win with these people. They're complaining after a 14-0 blow out when their kid had 3 goals! Imagine how bad it will be when we get blown out!

Why again did I sign up for this?

Don't let a couple PITA parents ruin your enjoyment. You did it because you want to help the kids become better hockey players and also learn non hockey skills and lessons that will help them throughout life.

Are the officers of the organization supportive of you? I'd speak with them if possible and secure their support and advice. That will help head off any headaches if the parent try to go over you to get their way.

Once you establish you have the organizations support, I would send out an email to the team reiterating that the kids will be playing multiple positions during the season.

Continue with what your doing, and don't let the parents push you around, stick to your plan.

If you start giving into the PITA parents then the nice ones will eventually lose faith and you'll be in a much worse position.

"Bobby Orr and Viacheslav Fetisov were the best players of all time"

These parents are not going to get any better.

I would preemptive lay have a conversation with the Director, so he knows what to expect when they come to him later and complain about you. If HE disagrees with your coaching decisions, then change. Otherwise, it's not your job to babysit the 30 year olds.

They will start complaining about you to the league in about 2 games, but don't sweat it.

Any progress with the problem parents?

Hopefully you are getting the support you need and things are falling into place.

So an update. Problem parents have lodged a formal complaint against one of my assistants due to yelling at their kid. He was yelling for the kid to do a line change and on two occasions the kid made eye contact and continued playing. Assistant coach kept yelling (louder and with more anger) until the kid finally listened. Parents were pissed and contacted me and the director of the league about it. Claim the kid is afraid to be around the coach.

On Tuesday we had a scheduled meeting with the disciplinary board about the complaint. This was to be after practice. With 1 minute remaining in practice assistant coaches kid falls down hurting himself. I skate over asking if he was okay. Dad comes over as well. We tell the kids that were near by to take a knee and give him some space. Trouble kid decides to dig his stick under the kid who's hurt to get the puck from underneath him. I didn't see it as I was focused on the kids face, but dad saw it. Dad makes a gesture over at the parents saying this is exactly the sort of thing their kid does all the time.

About 3 minutes later I'm getting off the ice to change for the meeting upstairs. Angry mom comes over all riled up saying that my assistant is a terrible person etc. Assistant comes over to join conversation. Things get heated. We break up, and I head to the locker room. Assistant heads to lobby to check on other child. Angry dad gets in his face and accuses him of all sorts of things. Makes a huge scene and it almost came to blows from what I heard from people who witnessed it.

I get a call from angry dad during the meeting. I don't take it. Get a text a few minutes later. Reply with "can't talk, in disciplinary hearing with hockey board". Get cc'd email from angry mom saying they are lodging another formal complaint.

Assistant is contemplating stepping down as a coach. So am I. This was so much fun and can still be, but man do some people really suck!!

Chris

Got enough folks who have the same opinion of this family? Sounds like these folks are making it terrible for not just you but everyone out there. Get as much supporting evidence as you can and give them the boot. I've seen a dad get banned (and assault charges) from all county youth sports after starting a fight with a soccer ref after a game (who was like 17). People looked around and realized he'd been involved with some sort of E36 M3 in every one of the sports his kids played, on one side or the other. Never should have gotten that far.

Talk to the director directly. You alone, maybe your assistant too. Tell him that you are both considering stepping down, specifically because of problem child and problem parents. See what he/she says. Don't say that you are, just that you are considering it.

The unfortunate part is that the same thing will happen at the next level. It's why he's not at th next level.

Also, next time, for you or your assistant, the magic words are "please leave me alone or I will have to call the police". Seriously, don't berkeley around with it. Call the police. As a ref, I've had confrontations in the lobby. Keep walking, ignore them, kill them with kindness, and if it doesn't work, call the police.

Where to begin...
does the board or directors for your hockey organization support you? If they aren't being supportive you are going to be facing an uphill battle the whole season.

The line change issue, the lack of listening on the part of the kid is something that occurs at all levels.

While I wouldn't condone sitting a kid for mistakes, not listening to the coach about something like a line change is insubordination and not an honest mistake. I would have made the kid sit for a couple shifts to get the point across.

Do the parent even understand why the coach was yelling to the kid? Have they spoken to the kid about listening to the coach?

It sounds to me like their little player isn't used to being told what to do, and doesn't like that the coach didn't give in to his stubbornness.

Have you asked your son what the other players say about the assistant coach?

That could be a good starting point to understand the players perception and know if you need to address the issue in a more widespread manner.

The incident in lobby does not reflect well on the assistant coach. Even though tensions were high he should not have engaged in he confrontation. Because he allowed himself to get drawn in he has given their complaint credibility.

Can you talk to the coach that had the problem child last year? He may be able to provide some insight into dealing with the parents and the kid.

While quitting may seem like the simple route, the example it sets is not the one you want to present.

Maybe arrange a meeting with the problem parents and some officers if the organization. That will let them air their grievances in a way you can respond to and there will be someone higher up in the organization to hopefully provide some support at the meeting and if any future incidents occur.

I apologize for the scattered thoughts, I'm working on grilling dinner while typing.

For the record the assistant didn't do anything in the lobby. Smiled and told angry dad that he didn't want to speak with him unless the disciplinary committee was involved. The almost coming to blows was all from angry dad's side.

The board of directors for the league is all on our side.

Both myself and the assistant have both emailed the board telling them we are contemplating stepping down. They have suggested we wait until the board speaks with the parents.

Chris

Jstand, he and the parents are coming from th point of view that they and he can do no wrong. Benching the kid would not have made any impact that the kid or parents would get the point of.

I've coached baseball and softball for the last 11 years with my son and daughter. This is my first year after stepping down and I couldn't be happier. I love coaching the kids but hate the parents. You always have somebody who thinks their kid E36 M3s gold. The funny thing is the girls parents were worse than the boys. It's like "where do you think she is going to play pro ball?"

If you continue please set boundary areas with the parents. When they send you the nasty emails let them know its your way or the highway. And never be afraid to send them to the highway.

I don't envy your spot.

Keep your head up and I hope the committee is able to talk some sense into the parents so you can focus on the kids and helping them have fun while they are learning to play.

Don't step down. It sounds like you are a good coach who just wants your kids to lean and have fun. The problem kid and his parents are acting like there are NHL scouts in the stands. There aren't, and they wouldn't like what they are seeing anyway. Bench the kid. Kids that ignore the coach don't get to play. Ignoring an authority figure doesn't work out very well in life, and youth hockey is a good place to learn that. If the parents cause any trouble, have the ref expel them from the game. Surely there is a spectator code of conduct. Maybe it's a good time to remind all of the parents- it may fall on deaf ears to the problem parents, but it may help the others who are bothered by thier behavior.

I started coaching this year as well(Mites). Thankfully I've had a different experience than you. Sorry you have to deal with stuff. As far as parent communication and kid communication. Make sure there is at least one other adult present, preferably a neutral party or program administrator. Unsure if your program required you to do the "safe sport" training, but sadly it applies here. I suggest next practice you have a meeting with the parents in the locker room 5 minutes into practice and let your assistants run the practice while you speak to the parents. Don't name names, don't single anyone out. Go over your expectations you mentioned in the pre-season email. Also explain your positional strategy in case of a blow out. As to the kids, be firm but fair. Fair doesn't always mean equal.

Things important to me at practice. Short lines, always keep moving. Long lines just encourage the kids to push and shove, and generally get everyone worked up. If you have the kids circle up to listen to coach, have them take a knee to listen. Be militant about it, everyone takes a knee. Causes the kids to focus more....letting the kids move around on their skates, or even just one kid do it is a distraction. Good luck!

The board of the youth hockey program has asked both myself, and my assistant to hold off on making any decisions about stepping down until they speak with the parents. I have thought about this over the past 2+ days, and listened to my son, wife, fellow coaches, and you guys on this subject. I've decided that I will NOT step down. I feel I have worked too hard for this, and love it too much to let some shiny happy person parents take me down to their level. My son said he would quit playing if I stepped down. I wouldn't allow that, however. It'll be interesting to see what shakes down from the meeting with the parents and the board of discipline.

Hey sachilles, would you share some drills you like to use? I struggle with practice plans, and drills because I get vapor lock at times. I go into practice with a plan, and it is usually thwarted. I have great assistants, and one that played division 1 college hockey. He's usually the one who takes over a lot of the drills, but I want to be the head coach more than just in title, which is how it feels sometimes.

Thanks for all of you advice guys.

Chris

How many kids do you have on the ice during practice? Full ice or a shared half ice practice?

We try to do stations, rotating kids through ever 15 minutes or so.

We practice Tues, Thurs and games on the weekend.

Tuesday is skating and puck handling. Thurs is more situational.

I share your pain a bit. I played at fairly high level (D2 collegiate) but as a goalie. So I'm at a bit of loss on some of the drills in terms of being a "good" example. Not to mention I hadn't skated in 20 years before this season.

Grab this book The hockey coaching bible. I had the author as a coach, he was by far the best teaching coach I can remember(and I felt I had many good coaches).

Sample drills I like are tough to convey through the forum, but I'll try. Obstacle course....setup cones/tires/milk crates to make obstacles on ice, that the player must stick handle through, at the end have them pass the puck to a coach, who then passes it back to the player, so they can shoot on goal. Emphasize keeping the head up, and hustling.

Pursuit. Use a face off circle. Two players start on opposite sides of the circle, skating in the same direction. The goal is to catch the other person. Go both directions. Do it with or without pucks. Go with teams of two, where they hold on to the same stick. This one can be lots of fun. Have them change direction mid race.

Freeze tag. Designate 3 players at the taggers. They try to tag other teammates who when tagged, must take a knee and put their hand up, until another teammate tags them back in. Sometimes have the coaches be the taggers.

Soccer, get some size 3 soccer balls. Play soccer(no sticks), teaches foot work.

Cross ice, play 1 versus 1, where they can choose to shoot on any net. Play 2 v 2 and 3 v 3, where a certain number of passes are required before shooting. 1 v 1, you can have them pass once off a wall before earning the right to shoot on net.

Most importantly have them skate hard in between everything, develop that habit now. If the drill requires to to go from A to B, you skate hard with or without the puck. Chase after them if you have to. Try to steal their puck.

Goalies.....rebounds are the devil. Teach them now to always direct the pucks to the side and behind the net for every drill in practice.

Hey guys,

A little update on the team I'm coaching, and the parents I'm saddled with. All has been well for a couple of months with no issues from the kids or parents. That was until Saturday. Mind you we haven't lost a game since early October which was our second game of the season. We were playing the last place team in our division on Saturday, so I tweaked the line up a bit to put some kids including my own in positions that they normally don't play. Not all of them, but I tweaked it enough in my opinion that we would still be strong, but allow for the kids to learn other positions better.

We had a full roster of all 14 including the goalie, so 9 forwards, and 4 defenseman. We were running three lines of forwards, and just rolling them out one after another, not double shifting any particular line or player. Pretty early on one of the kids was complaing about the lines, and shift lengths. One of my assistants was running the line changes, and in my opinion seemed to be doing just fine. It's not possible to have shift lengths to be all equal, but we do our best. It would work better if the kids would listen to the coaches during play for line changes on the fly, but it doesn't always work.

When this particular kid started complaining I said to him that sometimes shifts are longer than others, but in the end it should all work out. He didn't like that response from me, and complained again a shift or two later. I mentioned it to the assistant running the line changes. He immediately told the kid to sit on the bench for his next shift which I was okay with.

Shortly after this kid was benched for a shift we took a couple of penalties including one on our goalie which had to be served by a kid that was on the ice at the time of the penalty. During this time the shifts got all fouled up, and a couple of kids I believe were shorted a shift including the kid that was benched. Apparently this fact triggered his mother. In the locker room after the game she came over to me all pissed off and said angrily that this is youth hockey, and I need to play the kids equally, and stormed off.

Shortly thereafter I see her in the hallway with the assistant coach nose to nose talking loudly at each other regarding what happened. I joined in the conversation because I'm the head coach. She was angry that her kid only played 2 or 3 shifts the whole game which was BS. I tried telling her about his poor attitude, and his benching, but she didn't want to hear it. She was then saying that another kid was shorted, and his parents were pissed too. I said let them talk to me about it, not you. Eventually I walked away as she wasn't listening to me.

Later that night I called her, and we spoke on the phone for a while. She was still pissed, and didn't see my side at all, yet kept telling me that I don't have a bigger supporter than her(yeah right). Also she kept saying that she didn't want to sound like she was a complainer. Well shut the berkeley up then!!

I pointed out that while he may have been shorted this game it was due to his own attitude partially, and an honest mistake/confusion. She didn't want to hear it. I then brought up the fact that her kid has played several games as one of two centres, so therefore he played every other shift, or half the game roughly. Also he's played defense which also means he played half the game. I said that I never heard a complaint when he played more than anyone else on the team, why now? She said that isn't the point. Yes it is. I also said that we don't play favorites or double shift kids(even my own). She didn't buy it. I brought up the point that she is only concerned with one kid on the team, and I'm concerned with all 14 of them. She says no I care about them all. Of course you do, and that is how you know all their names, and which way they shoot, and how many shifts a game they play? Okay honey!

I gotta tell you this E36 M3 isn't worth the hassle when it comes to these parents! I saw her talking with the father of the trouble family before practice yesterday, and I just know nothing good will come from that conversation. I have heard from the coordinator yesterday saying she heard rumors of the trouble, and asked if I needed any of her help. Not yet I suppose, but I bet I will soon.

Sorry for the book here, just venting to some people that probably understand where I'm coming from. I know my assistatnt coaches do, and back me up 100%.