Joke of the day

This one came to mind

How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her nighty.

What is the best way to describe a trout wearing a bow tie?

So-fish-ticated. 

"Hey Dad,  Can you help me out ? "

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"Sure.  Which way did you come in? "

Boost Springsteen and the Eaton Band 

twin ecoboost Turbos (left and right) and a clutch driven Supercharger for sale for $400 all together.

read details below

Has the past.... jesus.... two years really gotten you down?
Need something to lift your spirits and brighten your days?
Looking for a Spring project to bring joy and meaning back into your bleak and melodramatic existence?
Interested in taking out 18 months of pent up frustration on an unsuspecting engine block?
Feeling like you have a deep dark void inside of you that can only be filled by making poor decisions that your family, friends, and most certainly any nearby neighbors will end up paying the price for?

Then Boy do I have something for you. Or… 3 things for you technically.

BOOST. BOOST. and then one more BOOST for good measure.

now, I know what you’re thinking. There is a lot of debate on the internets these days as to which BOOST is better.
Is it better to “StuStuStu” or is it better to “WhiiiiiiiiiiiineWhiiiiiiiine”?
Well I say, “why not both?”
Why not “StuStuStu” and “WhiiiiiineWhiiiiiiiiiine”? and hell…. Throw another “StuStuStu” in there just to make sure you fill that dark void inside of you we were talking about earlier.

I’m offering you TWO Ford Motorcraft Ecoboost Turbos off of a 2018 Expedition Platinum, and One Supercharger out of a Mercedes-Benz SLK230.

The Turbos are BorgWarner K03 turbochargers, pushing about 7-8psi Each (14-16 together), and bringing Ford’s little 3.5L v6 in the expedition up to 460ftlbs of tq. Waste Gates are included.

The Supercharger is an Eaton 18036 unit, that put about 7 PSI into their little 2.3l 4 cylinder and gave it about 210 ftlbs of tq.
but wait, there’s more!
Do you remember in Mad Max (the original 2 not the newer ones) when Max had a switch, when he wanted to Really outrun some post-apocalyptic junkies, that would engage and disengage his big Weiand 871 Supercharger sticking through the hood ? (*drools in scott injector hat*).
Ever seen videos on the internet where people say how that’s not a real thing and it’s impossible?
Yeah, well you can be the king of the internet now and tell them all “WELL ACTUALLY……” because this here Mercedes Supercharger has an electronically controlled Clutch on the drive pulley (think like an AC compressor pulley clutch engagement) that allows you to Engage, and Disengage, the Blower At WILL.
Originally this was controlled by the ECU, but forget that crap.
Hook this up to a switch and tell anyone that asks you about it - “Two Days ago I saw a Truck that could haul that Tanker”.
Don’t explain yourself when they ask what the hell that means, just drive off into the sunset.
You should probably think about getting a dog to ride shotgun if you don’t already have one.

Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, 2 Turbos with wastegates and 1 Supercharger with an electronically engaged clutch.

I’m selling them.

Find yourself a Clapped out 1980s Something-Or-Other from your uncle’s house, drag it into your front yard, yank an LSBlahBlahBlah out of a junk yard, do absolutely NOTHING to it (seriously, like, don’t even check and see if its seized or anything. It’s fine), drop it in Clappy-Mc-Clapped-Out, and start bolting on these Turbos and Supercharger.
The Supercharger is tube in and out, so it doesn’t need to actually sit ontop of and bolt directly up to some crazy intake manifold or anything, make yourself an accessory bracket so it’s in line with a belt somewhere and you’re good to go.
GET PLUMBING!

so yeah,
I’m looking for $400 for all 3 of these. Cash only. Pick up in Weymouth.

I’m NOT splitting them up.
I repeat, I Am NOT Splitting These Up. For 2 reasons.
1 – I Don’t wanna.
2 – I want someone to bolt all 3 of these to an engine and make poor life choices.
3 – Because YOU deserve it.

hey, it’s been a rough past year.
TREAT YO SELF!
I’m doing this for YOU.

seriously though,
blow something up for me.
do it for me, do it for America, do it for aMErica.
I feel dead inside.




also, if you want to message me questions, read bellow and see if this interaction answers any of them for you.

Buyer - Is This Available?
Me - Yes, This Is Available!
Buyer - Will This Fit My car?
Me - Will a Bald Eagle Fit Perched on the Top of an American Flag?
Buyer - what?
Me - With enough elbow grease and determination you can make anything fit anywhere. Physical space is an illusion and time is just a prison.
Buyer - I drive a Mustang
Me - well that narrows it down. yeah. sure. it'll fit.
Buyer - Will I need to pull my engine?
Me - ...... ? no. you might need to remove your headrest though. do you feel up to the challenge?
Buyer - huh?
Me - Nevermind.
Buyer - This is my daily driver, and I'm not really good with working on cars
Me - Well this sounds like the perfect starter project for you.
Buyer - does it come with instructions?
Me - sure. I'll draw you a really pretty picture on a dirty napkin
Buyer - ok. I'll come tomorrow
Me - what time tomorrow? I work Monday-Friday 7am to 6pm.
Buyer - i'll be there tomorrow at noon
Me - yeah, see tomorrow is wednesday. and noon is between 7am and 6pm. so i won't be there. so.... no.
Buyer - I'll come thursday at 2
Me - swing and a miss. strike two. Yeah. Thursday is part of Monday to Friday, and 2 is between 7am and 6pm. want to try one more time?
Buyer - I will come on friday?
Me - is that a question? you can come friday as long as it's after 630pm. does that work for you?
Buyer - yes. friday
Me - ok cool. here's my number (xxxxx). I'll give you my address for friday night
Me - hey there. never heard from you. you still coming friday?
Me - hey there, you coming tomorrow still?
Me - so, are you showing up tonight?
Buyer on saturday - I'll come to pick up monday at noon.

- don't be this guy

A while ago I tried to make a pandemic jokes. Nobody laughed at the time but eventually everyone got it.

A man walks into a Russian market. 

“How much are the eggs?”

“$5 for a dozen.”

“That much? They are just $3 at the other store down the street.”

“Then why don’t you buy your eggs there?”

“Because they are sold out.”

“Well, when we don’t have any eggs, they are $3 at us too.”

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

“Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said

“He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!”

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
 SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
 THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
 THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
 THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
 HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
 HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
 "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

Pretty sure this one is a repeat. Maybe not. 

A State Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.

The property owners' response in the second letter is EPIC.

Letter from Dept. Of Fish & Wildlife:

Dear Landowner:

WDFWR Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely

Steve Nemel

Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

***************************** ******************************

****************************** *****************************

RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:

Dear Mr. Nemel:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for Non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8 am. And 3 PM. But you cannot commence survey until 9 am. And must cease all survey activity by 1 PM.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18 in handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.

After 1 PM. You can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.

However, all fees can be waived if you can verify "Native Indian Tribal rights and status".

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys" and your "Comprehensive Course on Frog Identification, Safe Handling Practices, and Self-Defense Strategies for Frog Attacks."

This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Dad: What does t-shirt stand for?

Kid: I dunno

Dad: Tyrannosaurus shirt!

Kid: Why?

Dad: Because the arms are short.

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and mad at the same time."

The wife thinks about for a moment, "Your hootus is bigger than your brother's."

What did the ocean say to the land?

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Nothing,  it just waved.

I was mugged on the way home, it was scary. The guy pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life". I said "I am a married father of four. I don't have any money, and I don't have a life". We hugged it out, and both cried a little. We're having lunch next week.

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!'”

I don't know how to make the movie pop in, but this is funny.

914Driver said:

 

I don't know how to make the movie pop in, but this is funny.

Say, that is rather humorous!

914Driver said:

 

I don't know how to make the movie pop in, but this is funny.

Haha!

Aliens visit the earth. We earthlings have a grand town hall where we talk and talk. Finally religion comes up.

Aliens: "Oh yes, we just had another visit from Jesus. He comes about once a year. He had a wonderful time."

Earthlings: "That's incredible! How did you get him to come back each year? We only had one visit from him long ago."

Aliens: "It might be our chocolate. Each time he comes we have a big party, people from all over the planet visit over time, and we are known for our chocolate, so everyone brings him some of their favorite types. Did you do something like that when he came to your planet? I'm sure people came from all over to make him feel welcome, what did you do?"