Meet Ken, The Ultimate Manly Car

I am an extremely manly man. I have large amounts of chest hair which I oil to make shiny. I proudly display this with my low-bottoned shirts and tastful, golden medallions. I have a thick mustache, a lantern jaw of justice, and my testosterone levels are so high bystanders sometimes enter a second puberty just from smelling me. Women must take care in my presence, due to the chance of non-contact pregnancy. Below is a picture of myself. Look on at your own risk. 

Unfortunately, when you are as extremely masculine as I am, it puts a strain on relationships. My girlfriend often remarks that it's difficult to breath in my presence, the manliness is so overwhelming. My coworkers have to brace themselves with intense meditation before the workdays begin, and my friends have complained on numerous occasions about the whole second, or third, or fourth puberties my manly musk has put them through. While I am completely immune to anything so girly as sentimentality, my proud, brave, and enterprising psychology lead me to realize I needed to do something lest I drive everyone away.  

As such, I searched far and wide for a project car that might temper the radiant brilliance of my masculine perfection. Something that might allow in some slight softness, some tiny bit of estrogen, a bit of ... hairdresser.

And so I bought a Miata. It's a 98, which is a model year that doesn't exist in the US, but is the first batch of NBs in Japan. It also has a six speed, which I guess didn't come out in NA until 2000, so that's cool. No LSD, though. Doing burnouts with two wheels might be considered overly masculine, and I don't want my girlfriend struggling to breath due to both manliness and tire smoke at the same time. It's got 146,000 kilometers (88k ish miles) on the clock, some tacky interior mods that I'll be removing, some tacky interior mods I won't be removing, Tein adjustable coilovers (no idea the specific type or spring rates), the fartiest fart cannon that ever farted, a recent respray, a decent-ish soft top, a bit of a grind going into third gear, what I suspect is a lightened flywheel, and stretched 185/55/15 tires on some admitedly pretty sick looking rims. 

I am already in love for all the reasons that Miata people always fall in love with Miatas. The steering is lovely. The gear change is wonderful (although doing it with my left hand is still weird). The entire car just feels happy and playful. Much happier and more playful than is manly, strictly speaking. 

In order to sort out these confusing feelings, I set out to Tsunoshima, an island near my home. It was rumoured to be very beautiful, and to have lots of wildlife, and there's nothing I like more, in my manliness, than to challenge wildlife to mano a mano contests of strength. 

It was certainly beautiful, and I thoroughly enjoyed the twisting roads along the way. Unfortunately the only wildlife I saw up close was a hawk, and that avian coward wouldn't wrestle me. 

Frustrated by the bird's craven refusal to engage in combat, I found a 10 meter or so length of bamboo on the beach, decided the beach needed a "flagpole" and thus wrestled the damn thing half a mile down the beach until I could find a natural holdfast strong enough to hold 80 lbs of bamboo erect in 60 km/hr gusts. 

Flagpole planted masculinely on the beach, I returned to the Mazda, found an abandoned lot very far from anyone who could conceivably take offense, did some very manly and completely necessary donuts, and spent the rest of the evening putzing around, walking along various cliffsides and tidal pools, and taking in the sounds and smells of the Sea of Japan. 

Sadly, I still didn't know where this whole experience put me on the scale of manliness. My girlfriend, a huge fan of the Barbie movie, suggested I name the car Ken because it "has a lot of Kenergy." I felt that was appropriate. Kenergy is manly. Ken is manly. 

I had no choice but to consult the literature, particularly the philosophical work of May (2011). Inspired by the great philosopher, I looked over my maps and quickly discovered the ideal location for proudly displaying my car Ken, complete with all our combined Kenergy. 

This is awesome. I needed this this morning  

Awesome car, awesome writing.

Looking forward to more, and especially the interior pictures.

Thank you!

I think I sprouted some more chest hair just from reading this! Thank you for this dose of unbridled masculinity!

That Miata is certainly Kenough.

To start things off, I scanned Ken for any signs of weakness. In my manliness, I don't tolerate weakness, and there's nothing to weaken a manly man's manly car like rust. 

Surprisingly, considering I live right next to the ocean, there really wasn't much at all. The undercarriage is clean clean, there's nothing but a bit of surface rust on the factory part of the exhaust - the fartcan section, that's spotless. 

Under the hood, there was a little bit of rust, mostly on fasteners and brackets.

This brought me to the first truly existential point in my ownership experience. I need a Miata to temper the overwhelming masculinity of my being, but I also need Ken to express the deepest masculine virtues. I spent the evening karate chopping bricks into dust, hardening my shins against concrete abutments, and bench pressing tractor tires all in an attempt to clear my head. The great philosopher May was no help, and neither could I find anyone who'd travelled a road quite so manly as my own to give advice. It seemed I was on my own. 

So manly virtues first. I removed the weak (rusty) parts of Ken, and hit them with my wire wheel. Pain is weakness leaving the body, and I could hear the metal moaning under the harsh, tough, rough, bristles. Then I cleaned all the threads, applied rust converter, and let everything sit for a while. I could tell this fit with my spiritual aims because all the bits of metal and rust combined with my sweat to really ramp up the masculine musk. 

Then I hit everything with some Kenergy-approved yellow and green spray paint. Inspiration taken from this scene. 

The wipers are blue for the moment because I forgot to buy black paint and I didn't want to leave the bare metal exposed. I'm going to hit them with sandpaper and black paint tonight. 

DaewooOfDeath said:

In order to sort out these confusing feelings, I set out to Tsunoshima, an island near my home. It was rumoured to be very beautiful, and to have lots of wildlife, and there's nothing I like more, in my manliness, than to challenge wildlife to mano a mano contests of strength. 

It was certainly beautiful, and I thoroughly enjoyed the twisting roads along the way. Unfortunately the only wildlife I saw up close was a hawk, and that avian coward wouldn't wrestle me. 

You seem to have picked the wrong shima. The notorious wildlife of Ōkunoshima are renowned for the strength of their fighting spirit, or kawaii, and would certainly have given you a run for your money.

I dare you to paint it pink.

This is fantastic. Thank you.

DarkMonohue said:

DaewooOfDeath said:

In order to sort out these confusing feelings, I set out to Tsunoshima, an island near my home. It was rumoured to be very beautiful, and to have lots of wildlife, and there's nothing I like more, in my manliness, than to challenge wildlife to mano a mano contests of strength. 

It was certainly beautiful, and I thoroughly enjoyed the twisting roads along the way. Unfortunately the only wildlife I saw up close was a hawk, and that avian coward wouldn't wrestle me. 

You seem to have picked the wrong shima. The notorious wildlife of Ōkunoshima are renowned for the strength of their fighting spirit, or kawaii, and would certainly have given you a run for your money.

Looks ferocious. Hahahaha!

My shampoo may say it's for men, but it's no contest for this adventure. Nice to meet you, Ken!

Something you may find helpful is Beta Force
 

In reply to Appleseed :

Hmmm, would I go that far for a joke ...