First, this is a long-winded account of a used car purchase. It's very likely boring.
Second, I think an apology is due to my Canadian neighbors. For years I have mocked hockey, your odd accent, and obviously of course your French connection. Although I remain puzzled by the way you pronounce certain words, my weekend visit to Niagara Falls was a surprisingly pleasant expedition into The Great White North.
Now why would I leave the comfort of my familiar, mid-Atlantic surroundings? It involves a car and the fulfillment of a 30 year old dream.
When I was young, I had a small, but specific collection of Hot Wheels cars. The centerpiece was a black Porsche 911 just like this one:
After watching Magnum P.I., I would recreate the car scenes in 1:64 scale. In my version, however, rather than a borrowed red Ferrari 308, Thomas Magnum would drive a black 911 with chipped paint and bent axles. I wish I still had those cars, but sadly they fell victim to a yard sale purge when I had outgrown their usefulness. The dream, on the other hand, has remained.
I had a powerful lust for 80s performances cars, or more precisely, a red Porsche 911 like a corrupt banker would drive on CHiPs. The idea of actually owning one was such a ludicrous thought that I never even considered it. My sixth grade teacher was more likely to tear her face off to reveal a lizard man concealed beneath a prosthetic like those guys on V than I was to even get close to a real 911. The main problem was that we were Triumph and MG people and at one low point Oldsmobile Forenza people. We had Triumph, MG, and apparently Olds money. We lived in a small, rural town and there just weren’t any cars like that around. If I was lucky, my neighbors would record Cannonball Run from HBO and my friends and I would study the chase scenes over and over. As luck would have it, my Dad bought a ’59 MGA in the early 80s to replace a long-sold TR3. Thus my destiny with MG had begun. Though I have accumulated a number of British machinery, I cannot deny a smoldering desire for all things Teutonic.
Fast-forward through Tony Hawk, Motley Crue, Desert Storm, Grunge, HyperColor T-shirts, In Living Color, the blue dress, Snoop, Third Eye Blind, 9/11, Afghanistan aka Vietnam Part 2, Tony Hawk again, Motley Crue again, Kanye, Miley, Bruce, Trump, Clinton Part 2 and Bush Part 3… fast-forward to early this month. I’m sitting on the beach in NC feeling like I should buy a classic Mini. eBay has a few close enough to be plausible, but because you can’t just search “Mini”, because you get the Minis that aren’t real Minis, and you can’t search “Classic Mini” because sometimes they’re listed as Austin or Morris Minis, I end up searching by make, which eventually leads to search for every car within 500 miles of me. So while attempting a search for “Mini”, I accidently typed in “Porsche -Boxster -944 -924 -914 -cabriolet -fits”. I found what I needed. First was a nice maroon 53K mile 997 in Detroit, but it was very near the $25K out-the-door limit I arbitrarily set for myself. It also had a salvage title. I bid anyway, however the reserve was not met. Next was a black 996 with 77K miles for $20K. It had no service records, but was very close by. IMS caution thrown to the wind, I kept this one on the list. Finally, a red 1999 65K mile Carrera 4 with a 6-speed manual. Recent, documented $6K worth of service that included IMS, new clutch, brakes, and tires. It was very clean for its age. Clean title and it was five hours away near Buffalo, NY. It was also $12K reserve not met. I placed it on my watch list. I also added a Caymen, a BMW Wagon, and a 930 to the watch list but I was really smitten by the red C4. After weighing the pros and cons, contenders were eliminated due to not enough power, being in Boston, and not having AC. This car was to be a commuter after all.
After winning the 997 and not meeting the reserve, the seller and I talked, but were $2K apart on price, so I bid $15K on the red C4 and became the high bidder. Two days later I was outbid so I raised the bar to $18K, my limit on this particular car, and met the seller’s reserve. The auction finished and I won. Money was accumulated, insurance was acquired, but in a classic government circular dilemma, the DMV in my home state of WV will not issue vehicle registration papers without proof of ownership and New York wouldn’t issue registration papers over the phone to a nonresident. West Virginia State Police wouldn’t issue a one-way permit because it was not in-state travel and the NY State Police doesn’t issue transport permits… their DMV does… see above.
The next logical solution was to remove the WV license plate from my Honda Accord, drive to Buffalo, NY, bolt the illegal plate to the Porsche with expired paperwork in someone else’s name, and then attempt a border crossing into Canada with my two young children. Plan B was to instead attach a PhotoShopped paper NY license plate I made minutes before leaving on this adventure and then proceeding as outlined above. I left home at 5:00am in a rented 2015 Ford Focus and headed north. Things went well. Six hours later I left Buffalo, NY in my new 1999 Porsche 911 Carrera 4 and headed north to the border. I did the sensible thing and used the Honda license plate. Things went less well; more on that later. I must say, Canadians are very pleasant people, Niagara Falls was amazing, and the Border Police seemed much more interested in the guy pulling the pop-up camper in line in front of me than they were with a suspiciously average guy with bloodshot eyes and two kids eating Pop Tarts in a red 911 from WV. He got yelled at and then impounded for a thorough meet and greet with the inspectors and I sailed right through… in and out of Canada. “Enjoy the Falls, sir.” “Welcome back. You have a good day.” I bought over-priced maple syrup for my wife, a stuffed rattlesnake for my young son, a turtle necklace for my daughter, and a Canadian Lego set (bought later at a Wal-Mart near Pittsburgh) for my oldest son. It was a day of firsts: first time for the kids to leave the country, first time for me to Canada, first time to see Niagara Falls, first time to a Great Lake, and the first time owning and driving a Porsche 996.
Now the not so good part. The 996 is 16 years old. The one I bought, despite have a recent and expensive maintenance, had a few issues and quirks. When I left the seller’s house and got into stop and go traffic, the PSM Off and ABS warning light came on. I called the seller. Once I was past the PNR, when I stopped for a toll, the brakes locked on briefly. I called the seller. The cruise control worked intermittently. At this point I considered driving all the way back to Buffalo to demand my money back and then I'd ask him to drive me and my kids back to Enterprise. I hoped things would improve. The clutch pedal made an odd, screen door spring sound and had an isolated feel that made dumping the clutch and/or stalling something that required specific concentration to avoid. The hinge for the armrest storage door was broken and the ashtray lid wouldn’t stay closed, both known failure points. These seemed like insignificant drops in the ocean compared to the mental parts and labor bill I calculated for an older Porsche ABS/Traction control re-rebuild. I carried on.
Now the good part, or perhaps glorious part is a better description. The surging wave of acceleration, traction provided by the AWD, and the positive, responsive nature of handling are everything I hoped for. The squeal of approval from my kids (and internal child) when I stomped on the gas in 2nd gear was great. The tan leather was soft and still smelled good. Everything felt solid and well made, which is to be expected from a car that sold for $70K in 1999.
As the day went on, I noticed a connection between the brakes, the warning lights, and the cruise control. The lights came on when the brakes were dragging and the cruise control wouldn’t work once the lights came on. Eventually I noticed the brake pedal was staying down about a half inch from the top and if I popped it back up with my toe, all the problems went away. I tested this from Niagara Falls down to Monroeville PA and I got no lights, no brake drag, and the cruise worked flawlessly. Every time the brake pedal was pressed, a counter input was required. Every time. Every single time. Sometimes I forgot and the car reminded me, either with lights or a pronounced lack of acceleration due to the back wheel receiving conflicting commands from the brake and gas pedals. After the long drive, another first, we visited The Monroeville Mall, filming location of my favorite movie of all time, to stretch our legs and get some dinner. I also stopped at a Wal-Mart to buy the Legos and a bungie cord. Once fastened to the brake pedal, the extra assistance from the bungie meant the brake pedal returned all the way and the car now worked as new. Once home, I did some googling: It turns out the brake booster was revised to be better sealed from the elements. Water can get in the booster and cause it to stick. If the brake light switch is faulty (or switched on because the pedal is partially down for a long time), the PSM and ABS lights come on. The cruise control won’t work if the brakes are on. Hmmm. I think I found the culprit: it's all tied to a bad brake booster. I had a debriefing with the seller and he agreed to pay for a new brake booster ($111.99 + $25 core) and a new master cylinder ($253.19). Not bad.
I fixed the armrest, which just needed a loose rivet replaced. The clutch had a spring-loaded thing to relieve some of the pedal effort; you know, sissy stuff. I popped that off and now I have a quiet clutch that provides some feedback. The 996 has frameless door windows that automatically lower when the door is opened. The window regulator is another known failure point and the passenger side failed after five days of ownership. A new one was $89 and requires a door panel R&R.
The bottom line is I drove 751 miles to get the car. I did the trip in one day with two of my kids (ages four and six). We left at 5:00 am and got home at 11:00pm that night. We saw some pretty amazing things on the trip and made some great memories. I paid ~$17,600 (after adjustment) for a 1999 Porsche Carrera 4 with 65K miles and $6K worth of recent receipts. I spent ~$500 on the rental car, tolls, gas, food, and non-Canadian Legos/etc. It was a long, expensive Saturday, but I’d definitely do it again. It’s a dream come true and while it’s too soon to know if it turns into a nightmare, I feel like I did OK. And for those considering a Porsche 996 as a commuter/kid hauler, I’m averaging 23mpg in mixed driving.
