How NOT to diagnose a non-charging alternator

I just got done posting this in my build thread for the cheap green saab, but I figure its kinda funny on its own and may be worth not having to dig through a build thread to find.

So there I was, just got the car running after installing a new power steering pump, and patching the downpipe so I could drive around the block:

1. Get in the car, notice power steering now works great. WIN! Some of the hoses looked really janky though with bad routing so I will probably clean that up. I probably should have done that before I filled the system up, but oh well.
2. Next I notice that the battery light still seems to be on, but it is very faint, not nearly as bright as other warning lights. This was my first hint, but I totally missed it thinking that must just be how it looks when it is off. Start driving around. This thing rips! once you get into boost in 2nd gear, you go from 25 to 55 in no time. Its a bit of a wallowy driving experience right now though, feels way up high and floaty.
3. Comes up to temp and stays there. Awesome! Bonus for not overheating on day one. Don't tell roadkill.
4. After a bit, the ABS light comes on. Hmm, interesting. The brakes still have lots of corrosion on them, and I can still feel the rotors are not smooth yet through the brake pedal. I figure "it must just be a sensor", but really this was the second sign I missed.
5. Next, I look down, and see the speedometer bounce. Weird, but I would swear it was just at zero. Reading normal now. I must be imagining things (but I'm actually continuing to miss signs). I'm starting to hear a backfire every now and then.
6. Pull out onto the bigger road for a full 1st and 2nd 0-60 pull. Car starts breaking up in 1st at high RPM. Weird. Shift to second, floor it again. Normal, but then breaking up again at higher RPM. Lots of backfiring now. I think "weird, wonder what is going on. better head back home to figure it out". I look down and now the speedometer is for sure reading 0, even though I am moving. hmm.
7. Turn signals are not working. WHAT?!? they were just working in the driveway, WTF is going on? (this is about my 10th sign that has now blown straight over my head). This car is trying to communicate to me and I am doing everything I can not to listen.
8. Pull back into driveway, car almost stalls as I try to go slowly forward. I rev er up and make it. (another sign).
9. I am idling now in the driveway, thinking about why the turn signals now aren't working. I pull the 'flash to pass'. Car immediately dies. Oooop. Now I get it. DUH. I say to myself, I bet there isn't even enough juice left to turn the engine over. I try the key. I was right.

So apparently the alternator wasn't charging the whole time. Well, at least I finally figured it out.

Whaddya mean how not to? Seems to have worked for you.

Yeah really, the car got back to your driveway under it's own power. Not seeing a problem here...

This diagnostic had EVERYTHING! Boost, hard pulls from 0-60, explosions out the exhaust, warning lights...

This is how I'm going to diagnose all my alternators from now on!

You diagnosed something, and nothing caught fire. Sounds like a win to me!

I can't imagine any other way to diagnose an alternator. Idiot lights are for the unwashed masses of non-car people, we, the intelligent, know better and ignore them until we get a proper, irrefutable, diagnosis.

You didn't get stranded and you didn't need a back up battery to get the car home. I think you diagnosed it perfectly!

I am the harbinger of death to alternators. Probably not all me it's just bad rebuilds, but I've lost count of how many alternators I've had die.

XLR99 wrote: Yeah really, the car got back to your driveway under it's own power. Not seeing a problem here...

Right? One time the alternator in my GSX died and the battery finally gave out right in front of the terminal at Reagan National Airport... in Sep 2002, when everyone was on extra high alert. Cops were all over me within seconds and there was nothing I could do :/

Armitage wrote:

XLR99 wrote: Yeah really, the car got back to your driveway under it's own power. Not seeing a problem here...

Right? One time the alternator in my GSX died and the battery finally gave out right in front of the terminal at Reagan National Airport... in Sep 2002, when everyone was on extra high alert. Cops were all over me within seconds and there was nothing I could do :/

LOL, I'm picturing something like the beginning of Old School, where he keeps setting off the metal detector, and the Nat'l Guard guy is pointing his M-16 at him while they pat him down, then signals for backup.

Actually, I've decided that there is fail here, in that no GoPro was used. When doing extreme diagnostic work, it's important to have video footage so that others may be entertained by your efforts.

Had something like this happen in the Yugo, at night, all the lights slowly got dimmer except for the charging light, died pulling out from the last stop sign before the driveway, then caught again for a few seconds, sounded like a gun going off and the side exit exhaust lit up the neighbor's house like the sun.