I'm Sold (funny local ad)

So this guy should write a column for the local newspaper or something. Pure genius!

https://www.ksl.com/auto/listing/1735019

He's local. I'm kinda tempted to go check the car out just to meet the guy.

I hope this well-written ad spells the end of the "this car is so cool that just driving it will make women drop their panties, and make men worship you. You gotta me a REAL man to own my XXXX car!" that was taking over the interwebs a while ago.

In case the car sells before we can all appreciate this glorious ad:

You have found the most epic BMW that changed my life. The BMW 328i (E46) sedan -- featured as Car and Driver’s Best Pick in 2000 -- was the top of the line luxury vehicle that re-defined European automobiles and made men everywhere squeal like little school girls.

Yes, it was awesome...and this one still is. Why? Because it is a 15 year old, growling speedster that has seen three presidents, the invention of Al Gore's Internet, and all six seasons of Lost. It's fast enough to beat most sedans off the line, turn a girl’s head with it’s custom exhaust, and do that while boasting 29 mpg on the freeway. It also has about 202,000 original miles. And why should you care? Because that's the distance around the world 8 freaking times! Yes, this car has basically owned the Earth and had its’ way with her. Why do you need to even count mileage past that point? It's pointless. Because the point is, this car has courage, tenacity, sex appeal, power and balls...balls of steel; German steel that is.

If you dare to peel back the layers, you’ll find the world-renown M54, inline 6-cyclinder, fuel injection, German-built engine under its sporty little hood. It is a beast and was created to provide the kind of power it takes to propel this little slice of heaven on its wheels to 146 MPH (confirmed on the way to Wendover). Haven't been that fast? Yes you have, but you were in a JET PLANE THAT FLEW IN THE AIR. 

I have personally driven this car from Salt Lake City to San Diego on an almost non-stop road trip. The steering wheel is tight, fluid and offers just enough resistance and connection to the road to give you the impression that you are not only in charge of the car, but also of your entire life's destiny. Driving it for any distance is empowering and can make you feel you can go anywhere. In fact, this car has plowed effortlessly through Death Valley, dodged falling rocks in Arizona, stared into the depth's of the Grand Canyon and climbed mountainous icy hills in Colorado. 

It also has spontaneously raced against a 2008-ish Mercedes c300 one very late night somewhere along the I-15 Interstate corridor near Mesquite. Neither car received a ticket, but one car and driver received an embarrassing loss and lesson in total emasculation avoidance: spoiler alert...it wasn't the BMW. 

As for its recent history, this 328 had a small fender bender a few years ago and was treated to a new front bumper and re-paint by the dealer. The body is tight and the doors, windows, and trunk all shut solid with a satisfying snap. It was treated to: a custom UUC Short Shifter that allows you to effortlessly bang through the gears; track rated UUC sway bars that remove all body roll; custom wheels with spacers that give it a wide body stance; and brand new rotors that will allow you to navigate canyon corners with the ease of a gazelle. The gaskets, hoses, and belts have all been replaced in the past several years, including plugs, and a new radiator. 

One of the most outstanding features of this car is that it starts -- anytime, anywhere. Whether it's 105 or -5, F the car's engine turns over and roars to life with one simple twist of the key. There's no fumbling, cranking, pumping the pedal, stalling or waiting for the zombies to come and kill you. Fact: This car would NEVER be featured as a get-away-car in a zombie horror film because it would get you away from whatever is trying to eat, dissolve, melt, vaporize, mate, shoot or kill you. 

Speaking of films, this model shares a heritage of fame and well-deserved celebrity. It is no accident that the E46 was featured in "The Bourne Identity" because Jason Bourne needed a gasoline weapon of POWER and TIMELESS STYLE. This may also be a good time to point out the car made its appearance in "Die Hard: With a Vengeance" because that's exactly what this automobile does... it DIES HARD, which is why it showed up AGAIN in several James Bond flicks. Are you getting it yet?? This is all to explain why the E46 will change your life and elevate your status more than ANY OTHER CAR IN THE WORLD. Oh, did I mention that even though it’s a mid-size sedan you can easily fit two adults comfortably in the backseat? Well, grab a Cuban cigar and glass of Macallan 25-year old scotch because YOU CAN.

Does the 328 use a bit of gas when you hit the pedal? Does Mayor Rob Ford do heroin?! Of course it does! City mileage may only hit 20 MPG while drifting corners if you're lucky. But the trade-off for drinking premium gas like an UofU sorority pledge who just lost her promise ring at a keg party, is the acceleration and speed you'll feel as you leave all the soccer moms and flex fuel tree huggers at the stoplight.

With you, your kids, your wife, a mid-sized dog, and a full tank of gas, you'll weigh in over 3,200 lbs. That's about 8 Vespas, 12 bushels of soybeans, and 100 fresh apple pies. Here are other facts you'll want to memorize and throw out to the multitude of gawkers gazing at your remarkably sexy vehicle as you fill up at gas stations around the planet... 

• 177 inches in length - because size matters

• 2,979 cc (182 cu in) -- dude, that's sporty

• 170 kW (230 hp) at 5,900 rpm -- this means intense power

• 0-60 mph in 6.5 seconds -- faster than a Smart Car zipping down the Double Black Diamond slopes at Snowbird the middle of an avalanche. 

On this particular model, the AC blows icy cold every freaking summer. However, I'd suggest dressing cool and opening up the awesome sunroof to let God's air cool you down. Seersucker is a very cool fabric and dripping of timeless James Bond style AND it looks smashing with this car. During the winter, prepare to warm the flesh off your buns with the instant seat warmers, which are tucked underneath the grey, aged leather seats. Yes, the leather is slightly worn, old and cracked in a few spots. But so was Russell Crowe’s face when he won a FREAKING ACADEMY AWARD in 2001 for 'Gladiator'! 

I almost forgot! The E46 BMW 328i was designed by Erik Goplen - classified as one of the greatest designers in automotive history! Look at his face and you'll see sheer genius that instills FEAR in other European car manufactures. He also drinks Macallan and drives a 1969 De Tomaso Mangusta. 

Still not convinced you need to own this magnificent piece of highly refined German machinery? For around the same price of a new iMac, you could be cruising down (or up) I-15 with the windows down and cranking Eminem’s "Superman" track (BTW: One of Billboard’s Year-End Hot 100 singles of 2003) as cool wind from the Wasatch Front whips through your thick hair. Oh and as long as it's on your smartphone because the original Harmon Stereo doesn’t play MP3s. In fact, if I were to keep it, I'd immediately install a conversation kit to plug in MP3 players. But I'm out of room for cars and my wife is giving me the look.

Be it known that I have driven this car with untold delight and it has been unbelievably reliable. It has also been conversation piece that has led to and even developed into new friendships. As for you...you now have the sheer pleasure of writing the next chapter of intrigue and adventure. Be the envy of young and old, rich and poor, drug dealers and web developers. This amazing sports car can be yours for the small price of $3000 in cash, Bitcoins or gold medallions. That’s a steal as the original MSRP on this vehicle was $40,000. So don't wait because someone WILL buy this car and drive it PAST your sad face. 

If you've read this far, then call me to view and purchase. You won't regret it. I'll even throw in a nice smoking jacket for your next drive up Big Cottonwood Canyon.

Bah, bad formatting in the block quote, so straight html it is.

We should get the GRM brain-trust together and write up an ad for my '98 XJR I'm trying to sell! Something along the lines of the Jaguar why villains drive Jags ad. :)

Start off with the true advertising quote from "Crazy People"-

"Jaguar- sleek and smart. For men who would like handjobs from beautiful women they hardly know!"

If his job isn't in writing, it's probably in something creative like marketing, art, etc.

Well done.