Re-thinking everything. Time for a change?

OK. So... I have a 1st world problem that requires zero sympathy but maybe a little advice (or abuse). TL/DR move on.

backstory:

I did my first track event in 1999 after a few tastes of auto-x that left me wanting more at the end of a day. I became an instructor in 2003. I've raced karts, spec E30, NASA GTS, BMWCCA Club racing in two classes (CMOD, IS) and I've done some of the low buck endurance stuff... and even a season of BMWCCA's high end endurance series with a team of great friends. Lots of podiums and a couple class wins... even a full sweep of an entire weekend. Primarily in cars I built in my own garage or cobbled together in someone else's. I've had hundreds of students, thousands of track days, 5 seasons of W2W racing with all the lows of failure, highs of victory and fun of playing race car driver with good friends. I have practically defined myself by being a track junkie. My email addy book reads like a who's who in tin top American road racing. So, you know, I've got some personal investment here. It's a thing.

And now it's 2015 and I'm pulling the car out of winter storage to get set to do it again. It's a cheap "off" season... just needs fresh front dampers, rotors/pads, a good going over and to setup/align/balance it for the fresh suspension. Maybe a new center net or something but nothing major. No motors. No transmissions. No big rule changes. I mention this because it's a dream come true. I have been plagued by problems for years. This is THE YEAR. 75 days ago when I put the car away I was coming off a weekend blitz that had me vibrating for a week. I had (finally) got the new car sorted and won all three points races at NJMP. It was a great fight too. Car broke a strut on the last lap of the enduro. Opponents were always right there. It came down to a last lap move 2 wheels in the grass on Sunday. When I put it to rest I thought to myself... "fresh dampers, rubber, do some races in the south and midwest to go for the championship next year". I was annoying the living crap out of my friends with my endless droning about !finally! having a competitive package. I was all in. But here I am with the budget all set - hesitating. My heart really isn't in it. DISCLAIMER... I know it's winter and the blahs set in but I've always been super-excited to get that first lap of the season in. It's wrenching time. I'm supposed to be excited right now. This year my first thought was "If I sold the car, trailer, truck and spares...".

See, once the car was sealed up in the trailer for the winter I got restless. It was a long, favorable weather fall. Thoughts of my first real love started to creep in. Like so many facebook hookups. The love I abandoned after a similar time commitment in the 80s/90s when I started instructing HPDE... motorcycles. Those berkeleying sexy, dirty things. I was all over CL and ebay. I was wandering into dealerships ... you know. Just to pass the time. Not going to touch.

Long/short here, I bought a bike in the waning days of September and put almost 4k miles on it between October 3 and December 20. The new romance was hot. I was sneaking out at lunch for a quickie. I was looking over my shoulder when walking away. All my fantasies turned to riding somewhere and camping alone on a desolate stretch of nowhere with a view. They even made financial sense. They cost almost nothing - my race fuel budget alone would cover the next 5 years. I could ride every day... no need to wait for an event weekend.

OK... so, what's the problem then you say? "Get to the berkeleying point. Sell your E36 M3 and move on. People have cancer and you are typing walls of text about quitting E36 M3 that is completely awesome? berkeley you you berkeleying berkeley. Right in your berkeleying ass-face. Quit your bitching you charmed life livin' motherberkeleying assmunch". And I somewhat agree. Except the assmunch part. I have a weak stomach. The problem lies in the sixteen years of friends who camp and bench race and take parts off their cars then stay up all night wrenching to help me fix mine so I can win or break trying. Friends who I've followed to track after track, taught and learned from... but never met their families. They live in the time spent in the paddock. Truthfully - I don't even know what some of them do for a living. But I know who they are, really. I know who flinches at the sight of blood. Who has the weed. Who will leave room on the inside and who will slam the door. Who will bump draft. The important things that define us that we never show anyone but the people we are in it with. And the really sticky bit - they know me too. But if I don't go to the paddock - most of them cease to exist. The best people I only ever saw the best side of. We are all escape artists. No one brings their baggage to the track. No bankers, lawyers, engineers, or scoundrels. Just racers. Aside from the few people I've actually exchanged my baggage with over the years - they all disappear. I'm pretty sure I could cut the cord on the racing and just casually hit the track when the urge came on... but I'm not sure if that is the real reason I need those weekend fixes anymore.

I feel like I'm pondering a divorce.

What say the hive? Do I keep berkeleying the regular whore because deep down it's more than just berkeleying or do I run off with an old flame rekindled?

I guess the first question is. Why can't you do both? Sounds like you already bought a bike and still have your race car. Maybe you don't go for a championship, maybe you do less races but go do some riding trips?

time to move to the dirt. Rallycross/stage rally. Try something new, maybe it will rekindle the "flame." Or even better....RallyMoto.

Or at least that's what I gathered trying to read that treatise

I think once you put wheels to pavement, it will come back to you. There's a reason most of us aren't married to our first loves, they're great, bangin in the sack, and always leave you wanting more, but they're just not perfect. It sounds like you had the life at the track, E36 M3 it was fun reading that bit. It'd be a shame to give up on it when you finally have a hot car. We berkeley our first loves, we marry the true ones.

Jaynen wrote: I guess the first question is. Why can't you do both? Sounds like you already bought a bike and still have your race car. Maybe you don't go for a championship, maybe you do less races but go do some riding trips?

Mostly because at some point you can't "half race". You either want to be at the front or you don't want to be there. The trouble with competitive swimming is that it totally ruins dog-paddling forever. Keeping a competitive car at the ready is a mutually exclusive hobby in my tax bracket. It's a truck/trailer/car/spares pile that adds up to a huge commitment of time and money that must be used. If you "just relax and enjoy yourself" you can do that with any old car. If you do it with your race car you are "wasting it", "using it up".

In reply to irish44j:

This gibberish you are speaking... has an E30 on dirt for an avatar. I have an engineless E30 CMOD car no one wanted to buy ... is this destiny?

In reply to Giant Purple Snorklewacker:

You're(essentially) already set for this season, and you've worked many years to get to this point. Follow through with your plans. Maybe you'll win. Maybe you'll lose. But you won't be left with "what if?"

You have the bike, and you'll still have opportunities to ride this year. If the end of the 2015 race season comes and you're not sad it's over, then I'd say it's time to either put it away for a while or sell it off.

But give yourself the chance to do what you've worked so long and prepared so much for.

I agree with petegossett.

I don't believe that weak stomach nonsense for a second, ya assmunch.

Maybe it's time you raced motorcycles.

I'll second what Pete wrote. I'm turning 70 this year, recovering from surgery to my neck requiring a fusion at c4-5. Looking forward to returning to the track as soon as possible after healing physically. I figure I have a diminishing amount of time to chase that elusive National Championship, but the people and the time at the track are a large part of it. There are people I only see once a year at the SCCA Runoffs, but my life would feel diminished without them. If after this season you feel ready to move on, you might want to still go to the track and help with the officiating. Your years of experience would be valuable and you would still maintain contact with those people whom you've indicated are important to you. When I can no longer compete, this is what I see for myself. Remember, life is too short not to smile and I am always smiling at the track whether it' good times or not so good. Good luck no matter what you choose.

To be honest, I know a bit how you feel. I was in a similar situation 11+ years ago racing downhill. I had a bunch of friends who I enjoyed riding and racing with, I had my bike dialed (although the "perfect" DH bike is a constantly moving target, so a new bike is in the cards every few years no matter what). But a combination of things made me quit: getting hurt, a new g/f who had zero interest, a rekindled interest in cars.

Now 12 years later, I'm trying to get back into it. I'm building a new bike (you don't want to know how much that costs), putting together a new race-rig (conversion van), and trying to get back into shape for racing. Some friends have moved on, but many are still out there racing. They are fast as hell.

Essentially, I'm sitting here 12 years later really wishing I hadn't quit.

I suspect that deep in your lizard brain you really get off on adversity. Having a helicopter drop you off on top of the mountain means nothing, you want to climb the motherberkeleyer. Not only are you pretty much at the top of your own personal mountain, but nothing pushed you back down last year. It's a lot less exciting to try and stay at the top than climb. What your doing is looking at another mountain.
Get used to it.
If you're wired this way then you will always look at other mountains. You're berkeleyed.
Look at your past hobbies. My bet is that you've been intensely into things for 3-10 years, you solve most of the challenges, and then you move on. Racing cars has held you for a particularly long time, but that's just because it's really berkeleying hard. I don't for a minute think that just daytripping motorcycles will satiate you. You'll either decide you need to race hare scrambles or RallyMoto or road race or get some stupid shiny adventure gear and learn Spanish and plan a trip to Tierra Del Fuego. Chasing the happiness from new challenges is OK. Well, as long as the rest of your life can handle it. Chasing women or bankrupting yourself or losing your job or missing your kids growing up probably isn't cool. If you can keep the rest of your life together, chase whatever makes you smile the biggest.

one of our NASA PT racers posted up something very similar to what you posted (except for the motorcycle part) … he just had zero enthusiasm … did zero practice laps, only one lap for qualifying …. still couldn't generate any enthusiasm … wonder what was wrong with him … all of a sudden everything returned to normal as he exited T1 of the first race …

might be the same for you

What about crewing for a Pro team. You say your contact book is full of North American race people. Crew for a Daytona prototype, Grand AM team or something and try Rally Moto on you spare weekend. Sit on your gear for 12 months the rekindle or sell it all of and pay down the mortgage of you don't go back

In reply to Giant Purple Snorklewacker:

I could have written that myself.

Run this season. You've worked your ass off to get the car and yourself to this level, so run at least this season to make something out of all that effort. You don't want to be in the "I wish I had done it" camp a few years down the road. You said it best..... This is THE year!

mazdeuce wrote: I suspect that deep in your lizard brain you really get off on adversity.

There might be something to this. Nothing really feels as good as when you do something for yourself that is really hard. Be it getting to the top of a rock wall or trusting your homemade roll center correction you invented in your garage the day before a race weekend to last for 12hrs ... but I'm not really sure if I'd say I love something intensely for 3-10 and move on. I dabble in everything. Jack of all trades, master of none. Racing and running are the only two things I've ever put enough time into to become proficient at outside of work.

Adrian_Thompson wrote: What about crewing for a Pro team.

Crewing is all the parts of the game that are necessary to get to the fun part. I'd do it to help a friend but not for my own enjoyment. As far as pro teams - they probably don't want my help. They have guys who get paid to make sure no one screws up. I have, however, leveraged a relationship to get great seats

EastCoastMojo wrote: I don't believe that weak stomach nonsense for a second, ya assmunch. Maybe it's time you raced motorcycles.

Maybe it would be ok right after a shower

Racing bikes... I didn't have the skills for it at 20 so I imagine they have not improved over the last 25+ years. I'm willing to try some sort of tiny bore supermoto for giggles but I can't see it being more than just a tourist trip. I will do a couple track days with the GSA just to practice with things that are scary on the road but (oddly enough) bikes aren't really about speed for me. Rides are a bit like exponentially large hikes. I like to wander, explore then stop for coffee somewhere and watch boats or something. It's as close to relaxing as anything I do.

I sort of have a similar problem. I enjoying building searching and struggling to complete a goal. Once I have whatever I wanted to build complete, I lose all interest in it. I find this to be a problem for my wife in our current carrer choice, once a I can handle a job I get antsy and want to move on to the next thing.

Maybe you should try to refocus on the goal of the championship. Racing is racing and no matter how much you think you have your E36 M3 together; your fortunes can change in a moment.

I say at least go back to the track for the first race and see how it feels. The rush might just come back once you are out there and take the green flag in your finally dialed in car.

I saw the word relax in your last post. Downtime should be fun. If racing no longer offers that satisfaction back off a bit and see how it looks from a distance.

When I was in your situation I took one season off and started something altogether different, sailing. It made me use different parts of my brain, I met another group of like minded people, really got into racing and the psyching part; but I went back to racing with new enthusiasm. Refreshed.

I am currently enjoying the fourth love of my life, Soaring. (SWMBO, Racing & Sailing were first).

When you stop thinking, you start sinking.

I love a challenge.

Dan

Run the first race. You can then decide if you've lost it or not. If you have, still early in the season to lquidate. This is a hobby/passion. Nothing wrong with changing direction when th mood strikes.

BTW, did you ever bag that 8000 meter peak?

Great stuff here I agree with the common opinion about going for it this season. I will say that even just playing around supermoto are insanely fun