1at year of marriage us the toughest

Wheels- the advice "date your wife" is the most important thing. I failed at that so far, but am going to try to get better at it. We don't take regular date nights, but cut each other loose for a weekend or so every quarter- forgetting that we need to remember why we're together by taking a weekend together. Tough thing is that we don't live near either of our parents (military, her parents: New Zealand; mine: California), and shipping our two beautiful kids off isn't as easy as it should be.

Your relationship is amazing, and I can't believe all of you made it out of life alive. Good on ya.

Wheels, in adversity is born strength. Y'all are a perfect example of that.

Almost one year and all is well. Its a different experience for everyone.

Had my 3rd anniversary a couple of months ago.
- Marriage is work. Definitely agreed.
- Living a married life is like any other skill, it needs deliberate practice. Interesting article about how to practice well (in anything).
- learn the love languages thing, it'll help both of you feel loved. I still am not good at my wife's love language, but I know it's how she feels most loved. I'm definitely still working on it. For some, flowers = swoon, for others, flowers = meh. You get the idea.
- There's some study that says that decent marriages have at least 10 times as many positive interactions as negative ones, and that great marriages have at least 20 times.
- One thing that's been effective (for us) is to tell each other at the end of the day what the other has done to make us feel loved. It both helps us know which things you did that was effective (and not effective), and at the same time makes you cognizant of the things the other has done to love you.

scardeal wrote: Interesting article about how to practice well (in anything).

That was a great article. Thanks for posting!

My wife and I lived together in a 1-bedroom apartment with her two demon cats for about a year when we first got married. We barely stayed married, and those cats barely survived- numerous times I considered the consequences and benefits of becoming that guy who drives the animals out to the country and leaves them somewhere. But we all stayed together. It’s just a big adjustment- in your case, maybe just making things “official” drives some of the stress, and it sounds like there’s a lot on your wife’s side from her career getting started, etc.

For us, things actually got a lot better when we looked for our first new place as a couple. Got those damn cats out from under our feet just a little and carved each of us out a little personal space. Ten years in this November- but now we have three kids, so nobody has any personal space any more. :p

I’m not qualified to give advice, but marriage is hard. Takes work and determination from both ends to make it long term, I think. Sometimes you give more than you get. Sometimes you get more than you give. Try not to keep track of whether it all balances out to “fair” and you’re way ahead.

TLDR: Good luck, newlywed. Remember you got married for a reason on the hard days, celebrate the reasons you got married on the easier ones.

Anyone have any comments on whether living near family and established friends makes marriage easier or not?

My girlfriend; and one of these days fiance, has wanderlust, and is not good at developing attachments to people or places, although she is clearly more happy when around them. It's as though when a friendship develops, she cherishes it, but she's not good at making friends. Her hometown friends have all left, and she does not have many close, long term friends, aside from one that lives on another continent. In our 3 years in our current city, we've had a half-dozen friends leave for greener pastures. This has been hard on her, she went into a mild depression last winter because of the clouds, cold, and lack of friends.

Meanwhile, her family is settling down (and growing) in Pittsburgh, and my large group of friends is getting larger and more close in my hometown (Lancaster). We miss them, and cherish our time when we're home.

I have the ability to lay down the law and say "We're moving back home," but I'm worried she'll always long to live somewhere else.

We're juggling multiple concerns about our future, but none of them have to do with our relationship. We both want to travel, we both want to experience life and have money to do so, and we both want to have fun and not take life too seriously, but we still want the typical property ownership, successful career, and kids eventually.

Any tips on achieving life goals while living a happy everyday life?

Jake wrote: For us, things actually got a lot better when we looked for our first new place as a couple. Got those damn cats out from under our feet just a little and carved each of us out a little personal space. Ten years in this November- but now we have three kids, so nobody has any personal space any more. :p

There is so much truth to this. I'm not married, but I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years as of the 21st of this month. The best spot in our relationship was when we were living in the same apartment building--we basically lived together, except we had our own units. It was AWESOME.

We are currently living together due to my berkled-up employment situation (read: I won't sign a long term lease until my company signs me on to permanent employment) and it is about the second worst period of our relationship. If we had just one more room in the townhome--figure about 8x8--we would be SO much better off. This place is perfectly sized for 3 people, but the 4th (me) is simply too much.

Or, I could get rid of some guitars. But really, 5 is a good number. Too little if you ask me.

The first couple of years living together is always tough because you have different priorities about space, cleanliness, and neatness.

My girlfriend and I share disdain for laundry. Washer, dryer, easy. Ironing, folding and hanging are difficult. We also have differences of opinion on what "cleaning" is. Her idea is vacuum and removing clutter. My idea is a systematic organization of things so that the "mess" no longer becomes a mess again. She shoves things in boxes, never to be seen again, just to get it out of sight.

Those are the types of things that will cause multiple disagreements in the first couple of years, but they are really quite trivial things.

PHeller wrote: I have the ability to lay down the law and say "We're moving back home," but I'm worried she'll always long to live somewhere else. Any tips on achieving life goals while living a happy everyday life?

Don't lay down laws. Everything is a compromise and should be addressed and planned accordingly - together. Especially things as important as where you are going to live.

EastCoastMojo wrote: Don't lay down laws. Everything is a compromise and should be addressed and planned accordingly - together. Especially things as important as where you are going to live.

While I would agree, she is very idealistic. She believe she will be happy someplace warmer, someplace like California, Florida, Arizona. I think we'll be happier owning a house, seeing friends and family on a weekly basis, and tuning our careers to allow for long periods of travel.

In reply to PHeller:

Those are the challenges of marriage and life in general. The concerns of your decisions regarding your future are normal for any nomad. It can be one hell of a challenge, but it is yours. All I can say is good luck.

Your girlfriend sounds similar to me. (Bear with me here.) I have no problem "making friends" or talking to people. I'm very sociable and can talk to anyone. I do not make true friends well and those that I do, I keep close like a sibling. My issue is the whole "fool me once" thing. If you abuse my trust, I will never trust you again, and that first shot is hard enough to get because I gauge people up when it comes to face to face. It can appear malicious, but I just want to know who I'm really taking to.

Also, I my facial expressions don't match the mainstream, making it hard for people to read me as they naturally would. I usually appear irritated or bored when it is far from the case. I guess you could best describe me as appearing stoic. I think it makes people a little off-standish with me. I've always been this way, and laugh about the past, understanding why adults acted the way around me as a child.

Many of these things may be similar in her case. I wouldn't worry about it. It won't get in the way if your relationship, and its probably a defense mechanism to keep negative people away.

If she is like this, never assume she is mad or upset unless you are sure. Its very irritating.

The first year isnt always the hardest, sometimes its just has the most memorable "disagreements".

Oh, and I guess someone should mention something about screaming at her then doing a huge burnout in the driveway as you leave?!?

I remember our first year, we bought a house.

Weren't really looking, but we rented a converted farm house, wood paneling and drop ceilings can hide a multitude of sins. 3 ft. of water in the basement, none in the well?

Looked at a house that an old lady owned, passed away. The week of the closing our dog got hit by the snow plow and had a cast on. No water in the house we rented, a light switch in the hallway would hum and get warm if you turned it on. Brand new car would shut off all by itself for no reason, then heal 20 minutes later and act like nothing happened. Went cross country skiing to relax, wifey falls in the parking lot, punches a kidney with the back of a ski, she's in the hospital. At the closing, I called the fuel oil delivery folks in front of both lawyers. Three days later we show up to paint and all the radiators are split and frozen, puddles of ice on the hardwood floors. Oiil was not delivered.

All this in five days.

They say things that start out bad end up well. I don't believe in wives' tales, but after 34 years, I'll give you that one.

Be an island. Yes, your in-laws live on the street, so what? You have to make it yourself, not the parents or in-laws; they've done their time.

Remember how you treated the wife when you were dating, eggshells, kid gloves etc? Still doing that?

Oy.

We have friends, I have friends, she has friends, we all get along well. She'll do what she can to help in the garage but she will run to Vermont for an event with her friends. Life doesn't stop because you changed the married/single block on a loan application.

Call me in 33 years, I'm curious.

Dan

Most make the mistake of having kids the first year. DO NOT

You need two or three(six) years to learn how to be a couple, before adding the stress and sleep deprivation of having and raising kids.

After you have your home routines and roles established, then think about starting a family. Take time to realize some of her and your dreams first. Because after you have kids, what you want no longer matters you do what is best for the kid/kids. All day, every freaking day, until they are 18-21 and capable of living on their own. If you do you job right they will be. Then you get to re-discover what made you want to have a family with your spouse all over again. And you will enjoy it all the more, because you have already shared so much.

We are almost to a quarter century.

I remember the first year as, 60 hour work weeks, sex 3 times a day, and 1 race a month.......

Best year of my life.