Alternatives to AA

I don't want to go into too many details right now, but I started a bad habit after my divorce and subsequent girlfriend both left me emotionally crippled.  I started having a few drinks before bed so I went to sleep and didn't lay there thinking in unhealthy cycles.  It became a habit, and now that I'm dating a woman with an alcoholic ex, it triggers her sometimes.  For her emotional health, and for my overall health, something needs to change.

The good news is that I've decided to get help for it, but AA is not an option for me for various reasons I don't want to get into.  Has anyone heard of/tried alternatives?

I have not.  However, I'm all ears 

Alcoholism runs in my family.  I like to have a few drinks almost every night.  Don't want to get drunk, but just mellow.

I now realize this is a crutch.  I could use some info as well.

P.s. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow for this and depression.....  linked?  Uh, probably!

Have these programs gone online? 

Is there a AA or similar zoom call that you can jump on any minute of the day from anywhere?

Is the the the organization itself or the methods they use? Not trying to pry, just trying to figure out if you're looking for an AA clone or something that does things differently. 

Also, just as an idea: Medical problem means a consult with a doc would possibly be helpful. They might be able to point you in the direction of an AA alternative. 
 

Talk with a therapist. Most addictions are tied to past traumas. You even mention some in your post.

Do mental health things. Meditate. Getting into the zone while biking or exercising or playing music.

Reach out to friends that support you.

AA is just group therapy with a well known structure and religious slant.

Might sound overly simplistic, but just getting it all out of the house can be a big step. If it's not there, you can't reach for it. It runs in my family and most can't stand AA. The only alternative I've seen is therapy, and talking to friends. 

One of my ex-bosses was, by every measure, an alcoholic.  Turns out, after he got done for DWI, he quit completely for a while.  He then took to drinking beer, which was not his drink of choice.  Two, when in a social situation.  Never alone.  He did that for years.  Turns out he was not an alcoholic, he was just a drunk.

You are self medicating.  Do you have to have to have the drink?  Is it a habit?  Is it the ritual, or does the alcohol actually aid you in sleeping?

Maybe just stop.  If you can't, seek help.  AA seems like it works for lots of people, but I'm not sure I could accept some of the underlying dogma.

Hear me out.

Are edible CBDs an option for you?

mtn said:

Is the the the organization itself or the methods they use? Not trying to pry, just trying to figure out if you're looking for an AA clone or something that does things differently. 

Also, just as an idea: Medical problem means a consult with a doc would possibly be helpful. They might be able to point you in the direction of an AA alternative. 
 

I have an appointment with my doctor with a litany of blood tests.  It's not for a couple weeks yet, but he's actively looking for both physical (as in, checking to see if the drinking is damaging anything) and I'm sure he has some other medical input on the stopping drinking thing.

I've been to AA meetings before as moral support for a friend, and as part of my girlfriend's alanon journey, they are encouraged to attend open AA meetings from time to time.  I'll say it as gently as I can, but I get nothing from reading scripts and hearing stories from people who have it far worse than I do.  The handful of times I've gone, I feel like I just attended a board meeting about nuclear physics where they paused to talk about God every 5 minutes.  It just doesn't jive with me and I don't get it.  I actually have much stronger words, but mom always said, if you can't say anything nice...

It's a fantastic organization, and I realize it has probably saved a million lives and it's the Miata of self-help, I just don't want a Miata, so I'm looking for the Minivan of self-help.  To put a finer point to your question, I don't want a weekly meeting in a church basement, I want a whole different structure.  I don't know what that structure IS, but AA isn't my bag.

I have a very negative view of AA as a mental health counselor. There have been numerous peer-reviewed studies that show that it actively harms instead of helps. 

You have already taken the step that AA refuses to take, and that's stating that it's your own choice and you can control it. There's two pieces at play now, the physical action of consumption (which includes taste and feel) and the need for sleep help.

For sleep, try melatonin, CBD gummies, and/or some ASMR (real diurnal audio, not the fake YouTube gibberish). For the action, switch to a similar non-alcoholic drink to what you normally like. 

RossD said:

Talk with a therapist. Most addictions are tied to past traumas. You even mention some in your post.

Do mental health things. Meditate. Getting into the zone while biking or exercising or playing music.

Reach out to friends that support you.

AA is just group therapy with a well known structure and religious slant.

 

I've had a therapist now for a couple years.  I had been seeing one who ended up going in the life-coach direction so I didn't have one for a spell.  I found a new one about two years ago before I dipped my toes back in the pool to make sure I was approaching dating and relationships from a healthy perspective.  We have an appointment next week.

I am leaning on family right now.  Fortunately, that is a pretty healthy and functioning relationship in my world.  I told Mom and Dad last night that I was seeking help (although I think they were more focused on the fact that the GF and I were deciding to take a break), and I talked for a long time today with my sister who is a very accepting and loving supporter.

At this point, neither my therapist nor I see any need for anything drastic.  Right now it's 3-4 drinks before bed.  It's not getting blotto at noon, hiding vodka in a water bottle, or passing out on the floor.  What made the light bulb flicker over my head was that my body and brain is starting to expect it, and not having those drinks before bed is really hard.  Yesterday was when I finally said, "that's the exact definition of when you start stopping."

Such a complicated issue. I Googled SAFE ministries, an organization I was familiar with 25 years ago, I would put a link up but can't find the specific one. Anyway, they used saturation techniques- nothing like AA. Throwing this out there for you to explore. Grab it by the horns, you got this. Edit: Phsical adiction = 3 or 4 days. It's the menal that's the mo-fo and on you.

Streetwiseguy said:

You are self medicating.  Do you have to have to have the drink?  Is it a habit?  Is it the ritual, or does the alcohol actually aid you in sleeping?

Maybe just stop.  If you can't, seek help.  AA seems like it works for lots of people, but I'm not sure I could accept some of the underlying dogma.

Self-medicating is a great way to describe it.  I started this habit to shut my brain up so I could sleep without thinking about the traumas that those relationships had left.  [and I say relationships, not exes, because I was equally culpable.  They chose the abuse, I chose the coping mechanism]

The alcohol (initially when I was using it) made me go to sleep.  If I didn't take something, my brain would cycle through all the pain and the things I should have said, and the what-ifs, and I couldn't sleep.  I just re-lived the pain for hours staring at the ceiling.  Having the drinks made me just fall asleep.  After a while, the therapy and the years made the need for drinking vanish, but the brain's expectation of alcohol had lapsed into an unhealthy habit.  I don't feel the need to shut my brain up, but it has been 10 years of this habit, and I'm just hooked.

I tried (with medical input, of course) to switch to Ambien, trazadone, weed, or something else, but my brain is expecting alcohol.

wheelsmithy (Joe-with-an-L) said:

Hear me out.

Are edible CBDs an option for you?

They are an option and I've tried.  Also tried Delta 9 and real bud.  My brain craves the alcohol.  Just this summer (in Canada, in case the FBI is watching) I got a supply of some pretty wicked bud and hash.  I didn't sleep, but I smiled a lot in bed and gained about 10 lbs.

Thank you all for the great non-judgmental discussion.  Love you all for that.

Javelin said:

I have a very negative view of AA as a mental health counselor. There have been numerous peer-reviewed studies that show that it actively harms instead of helps. 

You have already taken the step that AA refuses to take, and that's stating that it's your own choice and you can control it. There's two pieces at play now, the physical action of consumption (which includes taste and feel) and the need for sleep help.

For sleep, try melatonin, CBD gummies, and/or some ASMR (real diurnal audio, not the fake YouTube gibberish). For the action, switch to a similar non-alcoholic drink to what you normally like. 

Thank you for that.  I have also heard that AA isn't the best.  Great intentions, but not healthy.  If I wanted guilt, abstinence, scripture, a collection plate, and broken people, I would go to church.  I think for some people it works, but it feels more like the stick than the carrot.  I want to fix the problem, not hear about how other people have bigger problems.

There.  I said it.  It might be fine for some, it just doesn't jive with me.

NermalSnert (Forum Supporter) said:

Such a complicated issue. I Googled SAFE ministries, an organization I was familiar with 25 years ago, I would put a link up but can't find the specific one. Anyway, they used saturation techniques- nothing like AA. Throwing this out there for you to explore. Grab it by the horns, you got this. Edit: Phsical adiction = 3 or 4 days. It's the menal that's the mo-fo and on you.

That's the truth.  The mental is on me.  I have to want to be healthy, and I do.

I'll see if I can find anything about that group.

"That's the truth.  The mental is on me." Don't stop telling yourself that because it's true. Believe it and you got it! Edit: That makes it sound easy. It's not.

Try hot herbal tea or a different calming drink instead?  Substitute it for 25 push-ups and then a hot shower?  You need to try and find a healthy substitute.  Reading?  My wife reads before bed every night.  
 

This is not a solution, but a band-aid that may be useful; finding alternative things to drink that do not contain alcohol may make it easier to have another night of sobriety.  I may have gotten to know instant decaf coffee for a variety of reasons such as this one...

Curtis, I'm confident that you will accomplish this. Still, once again I wish we lived closer. 

Anything exercise related work for ya? I've known more than few take up biking or swimming or something like that to ensure they end up exhausted at the end of the day. If you do it before work gets ya up in am where ya have to get to sleep. Doesn't work for all but a thought. 

Great job identifying the issue and being honest with yourself.
 

Over the past few years, I was waking up in the night and having anxiety for really the first time in my life. It wasn't worried about Covid or relationships, it was about being hyper scheduled (4 kids will do that to you), work, and several large projects on the house/car front. I had to realize we couldn't start another project until one was completely finished, and I make lists in Trello (digital post-it notes) to feel like I'm getting stuff done. 

I did initially use the Joe Rogan sleep stack to get over the hump (it's actually Andrew Huberman's stack: https://podcastnotes.org/huberman-lab/huberman-sleep-cocktail/), and that helped me to stay asleep longer once I was asleep.   Other things that help for me are exercise and music. Im pretty crazy about prepping for sleep - my bedroom is blacked out, I wear a sleep mask, and would wear earplugs but don't because my wife does (I want one of us to be able to hear if something's wrong). I track my sleep (quantity and quality) on my Garmin watch, and I try to keep an eye on my resting heart rate to identify before I burn out.

I think you'll get a lot of value in drilling into if there's a source of stress that's still there, or if it's purely a habit/physical thing.

You've got this!

Curtis, i don't have any advise for you but I believe understanding that there may be a problem is a big first step to finding a solution.  Thank you for trusting us with this and I really hope you can find the help and answers you need.

In reply to Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) :

I'm proud of you, my friend, for being honest with yourself. 
 

You got this!