Am I a good friend or a jerk?

Ok, so a buddy of mine is in his mid twenties, married with a 4-month old daughter. He's not one of those guys that makes the best choices. Not monumentally bad, but he's just not the most responsible guy out there. He's had a rough week. He lost his job (I strongly suspect it's due to his less than stellar responsibility), lost his job, and doubled his rent, and his car broke down
I spend more than a decade as a professional tech, and I have the garage full of tools that goes along with it. He's trying to figure out what's wrong with his car and not getting terribly far. My natural tendancy is to say "just have it towed over here, and pick it up in a few days". I've not done that for a few reasons, the two primary ones are:
1. My wife is out of town for two weeks and I'm Mr. Mom. I don't have time to figure out what's wrong with a 30-year old Porsche.
2. He is the one that decided to by an old, cheap Porsche as his DD. I think he has to dig himself out of this hole.
I've loaned him tools, tried as I might to help him over the phone and via pictures, and looked up info on the web to direct him in the right direction. I think if I have him drag it over and pick it up when it's done he'll continue to think that it's a good idea for a guy with no tools and next to no mechanical abilities to buy an old, un-loved P-car and press it into DD duties.

I feel for him though. He was driving on the highway and it just stopped. The timing belt is in-tact but the balance shaft belt is broken. He lifted the head off a bit and said the valves and pistons are ok. But it will not turn over with a breaker bar. I suspect a flywheel bolt came out or something.

I'd hesitate to leave a guy stranded, so to speak. If you can't handle it/don't have time, he will need to learn quick how to handle things.

You're not being a jerk, tell him your situation and that he can leave it with you and you'll work on it IF you have time, but you might not. That's plenty generous enough IMO.

And tell him that an old Porsche makes a terrible DD for a broke guy with no tools and maybe he should swap it for a Japanese sport compact with 4 seats.

GameboyRMH wrote: And tell him that an old Porsche makes a terrible DD for a broke guy with no tools and maybe he should swap it for a Japanese sport compact with 4 seats.

plus eleventy billion.

Youre a jerk.

Now I will go read the thread instead of just the title.

tell him to learn how to use some tools and figure it out..

I don't help my friends work on their cars, but I am a jerk.

So, it's just do you want to help your buddy or not? I'd help out a friend if he REALLY needed it. No need to make it a philosophical issue.

Does he REALLY need help?

I think this kind of depends upon what kind of Porsche it is...

This is an old spiritual truth; help isn't necessarily help. Lending money to a crackhead isn't help. NOT lending money IS.

You'll have to decide if he will actually be better off with your help or if he needs to do it himself. That is to say, will the amount you help be disproportionate to the amount that a handout will stunt his education?

I have a friend that was always needing to be bailed out when he was in his 20s. His much older sisters were forever helping him recover from his poor decisions. In his 30s he was still making poor decisions and getting in binds. He's now 45, has no job, no wife, and lives in a crappy old 10 X 20 office trailer. At this point no one will help him out except his sisters. They have managed to turn him into a fairly worthless individual. I don't see him ever changing at this point. He's still a friend, but he knows better than to ask me for help.

My vote is to let him suffer the consequences of his decisions. It will be a learning experience. Hopefully he will recognize it as one.

I'm not a jerk, I'm an shiny happy person.

You aren't bad at all. I long ago had to move to a help those who help themselves model with cars or I'd never get anything done. Now the only friends in my shop are here to use my tools and have me supervise but they are doing their own work. I'll jump in and help if they get stuck but I don't do the leave it with me and I'll fix it thing anymore. And the ones allowed in my shop still are here on work exchange, they need to leave it better than they found it, so put away your tools then clean up after me too :)

Trade him a running appliance for the Porsche? Then,when it is yours you can fix it when you have the time?

If they (family) needs the car so he can provide for them , help. Ask his wife to watch the kids while you teach him how to repair his car.

I believe "I'm to busy not sucking at life to fix the problems caused by your lack of good decision making ability" is a totally reasonable position. Every time I do something to help someone like that, I regret it.

Let him know he has a standing offer to trade his not running Porsche for my running Festiva....

Lolz

Because I am your good friend

[URL=http://media.photobucket.com/user/850GT/media/UK%20MINI%20PICS/SDC10510-Copy_zpsb26019f6.jpg.html][/URL]

If you want the Porsche offer scrap value for it and fix it yourself, otherwise no. Someone who can't fix it them self doesn't need a car like that. I don't mind doing minor work on other peoples cars, but pretty much unless I feel like being nice and they will at least watch me fix it, I don't really have time to do that.

curtis73 wrote: This is an old spiritual truth; help isn't necessarily help. Lending money to a crackhead isn't help. NOT lending money IS. You'll have to decide if he will actually be better off with your help or if he needs to do it himself. That is to say, will the amount you help be disproportionate to the amount that a handout will stunt his education?

This is kinda where I am. He saw my 944 and just HAD to have one. So he bought one. He sold his perfectly reliable car (don't get me started on THAT story) to DD the 944. I think he needs to see this through. I've given him my professional opinion and pointed him down the right road. Now he needs to figure out how to get from point A to B.
I just kinda feel like a DB because I have the ability to fix his car. But in this case, ability does not equal responsibility.

Oh and Aussie, you're a jerk

DrBoost wrote:

curtis73 wrote: This is an old spiritual truth; help isn't necessarily help. Lending money to a crackhead isn't help. NOT lending money IS. You'll have to decide if he will actually be better off with your help or if he needs to do it himself. That is to say, will the amount you help be disproportionate to the amount that a handout will stunt his education?

This is kinda where I am. He saw my 944 and just HAD to have one. So he bought one. He sold his perfectly reliable car (don't get me started on THAT story) to DD the 944. I think he needs to see this through. I've given him my professional opinion and pointed him down the right road. Now he needs to figure out how to get from point A to B. I just kinda feel like a DB because I have the ability to fix his car. But in this case, ability does not equal responsibility. Oh and Aussie, you're a jerk

The second (and last) new car I ever bought was when my daughter came along. He's being kind of irresponsible. I don't think it's your responsibility to bail the guy out. He should be thinking about his kid, not himself. That's what parents do.

aussiesmg wrote: Because I am your good friend [URL=http://media.photobucket.com/user/850GT/media/UK%20MINI%20PICS/SDC10510-Copy_zpsb26019f6.jpg.html][/URL]

I want that.

Sometimes its best to just let it burn, in the case of an old neglected Porsche, possibly literally. This is one of those times IMO.

he's not working.. you have the tools but not a lot of time because you are playing Mr. Mom.. I think he should have it towed to your place and you can coach him how to fix his 911

mad_machine wrote: he's not working.. you have the tools but not a lot of time because you are playing Mr. Mom.. I think he should have it towed to your place and you can coach him how to fix his 911

This- if you're feeling nice. I wouldn't go beyond that. Anytime you act as a crutch, he's not going to learn to walk, as it were. I quit helping friends like that a LONG time ago. I just sit and watch them berkeley themselves harder.

I have a friend with a swapped '91 MR2, an 80 mile commute, and zero mechanical abilities. I sympathize, but so far I've continued to enable.