We both struggled to overcome this in the first half of our marriage. It came from different sources and manifested in different ways, but we both got too angry at each other.
My wife is full-blooded Italian, so her anger was quick to come and quick to go. I am English-Welsh, so my anger was slow to provoke but deep and long-lasting when it came. Unfortunately, in our marriage, we ended up with the worst of both worlds. We never actually went to counseling for it, but it took conscious effort on both of our parts to recognize it and work on it. Some was cooperative and some was individual. We tried to set some ground rules, and although that didn't always work, it was at least a start.
The big issue is preventing one or both parties from feeling overwhelmed - that is what leads to anger and lashing out. For my wife's part, she learned to try and focus on ONE major problem, rather than unloading with all the pent up issues she had been trying to repress. She also learned that if I left for a while it was to give myself a chance to respond appropriately, not just to shut her up. Those took effort on her part.
For my side, I learned to read the warning signs farther in advance and deal with the issue before the explosion came. I also learned that if I walked out for a while to collect myself, it was my obligation to reopen the discussion when I came back, rather than just trying to ignore it once the screaming had temporarily ended.
I also changed some parts of my personality, and so did she. As is common between men and women, I am more comfortable making decisions on the fly and she is happier when there is a plan with contingencies. So we both learned to meet in the middle. I began to recognize the real discomfort it causes her to not know what is going to happen, and she learned that spontaneity is not all bad. This alone reduced a lot of the friction.
The hard part is teaching yourself - and reminding yourself in the heat of battle - that it's OK if everything is not exactly the way you expected. There are a million ways that everyday scenarios don't match your conscious (or subconscious) plans. You also need to recognize that all the horrible consequences you are imagining will probably not come to pass. YES, whatever it is won't be the ideal. NO, whatever it has become is NOT ruined.
There's a certain level of stuff that you just have to learn to let go. This is at the heart of every counseling program, every marriage encounter, every relationship. It takes work and perseverance.
Right now you need to demonstrate to your wife, in no uncertain terms, that you're in the process of letting some of your issues go, and that instead, you are spending that energy on issues that are important to her. That's how you follow through on your promise to her. Explain that you don't have a fully-formulated plan yet. Explain what you have done, what you hope to gain from it, and how it will benefit your relationship with her. Ask her for the things she needs you to prioritize. If she can't be too specific, then work with what she gives you. If there's a setback, don't get defensive. Man, that was hard for me, but I'm getting better. Just say, "OK, I'm sorry that didn't do what I hoped. You said you had an issue with X, so here's what I thought changing to Y would do, and why. I guess Y's not quite right either. So let's talk about what might work instead."
I feel for you. can I ask, how long have you been married and how old are your kids? Because half the stress comes directly from the nonstop work of being a parent, particularly with kids under 10-12. Once we learned that, too, we started to recognize that having the perfect relationship was not required - what was important was sharing our common tasks and having a common goal. That reduced the friction a lot, too.
Good luck. We're here to offer any advice and support we can, any time, even if you just need to vent here rather than at her. I can only speak for myself, but don't hesitate to PM me if you think I can help at all.
