Anyone else out there with a "wild" son or daughter?

My oldest son is 5-1/2 and if I hear one more person tell me "you've got your hands full with that one" I may scream. My oldest son is a handful, and yet it seems everyone around us was issued perfectly docile, well mannered children. If my son gets tapped by some other kid, he responds ten fold. He goes from zero to nuclear option in nothing flat. We had problems in the past where he was being picked on but refused to tell an adult, choosing to "take care of it himself", which almost always ended in him getting in trouble while the actual instigators looked like the victims of his random wrath. Now we found out that he bullies a few kids in our home school group, while also being bullied by some of the older kids. Great.

I swear it seems like he just needs to hit things. He'll just walk by and punch you lightly, or something not so lightly. He kicks everything. He runs and dives on the floor. We spent a metric ton of money on doctors and therapy (for him and ourselves) to finally get a diagnosis: sensory integration disorder. Apparently his body doesn't know where the sensory limits are. He senses everything at maximum level. He hates loud noises, bright lights, or harsh vibrations. In some ways he has some of the same signs of being on the autism spectrum, but there are some things that are missing that don't fit that diagnosis. We were going to an occupation therapist once a week, but that isn't covered by insurance and we can't afford it anymore. It was actually helping too. Funny, if we want to drug him into a stupor, that is fully covered.

We used to joke that letting him watch TV meant you'd have to "pay the piper" afterwards. If he sits still too long I swear you can see him start to vibrate, he needs to move that badly. Once the TV goes off it is like a bull being spurred out of the chute.

We spank him as a last resort because I swear he has a Novocaine-level cast iron butt. Doesn't phase him a bit. Taking stuff away gets his attention, but it also makes him madder.

And the ironic part is he is a very sensitive kid. He can be very sweet and loving. He always wants to be snuggled up to you or sit in your lap. He will sit quietly in the playroom assembling Legos for hours. No drama, no outbursts, just peacefully playing. There are certain kids that just "click" with him and there are zero problems (his cousin being one of them).

Yes I have books, yes I probably read that one someone told them about. Yes I've see that website and tried that method by that doctor/celebrity/faith healer/athlete. But to everyone else around us we are just bad parents who can't control our child.

I've got a 3.5 year old that's very much the same. He punched me in the face last night.

Military school. JK. I feel for you as it makes it tough on you.

Yes.

The secret is exercise. Sign him up for competitive swimming. There is no more exhausting thing on the planet. Sign him up for contact sports. Football. Let him hit stuff where it's not wrong. Let him scream in the woods. Maybe buy him a kart ;)

Good luck. My maniac is 15 in 11 days. A 3 time district swimming champion, wrestler, pianist, singer and still a handful. Exuberance is as much a blessing as a curse. Probably more so a blessing once you get past the grade school conformity issues. I was once called to school because he asked to go to the bathroom and then went out the door and pissed on a tree. The humorless berkeleys just couldn't let anything slide.

Sounds like a perfect start to a wrestler. Take that aggression and energy and channel it into something good. A good coach will teach him both how to control his energy and also wear him out. It sounds like the profile of most of the wrestlers I knew growing up.

I was like you not that long ago. If they are suggesting adhd meds-please consider them. They are amphetamines, not drugging him into a stupor. If speed calms your child down maybe his brain works a bit differently than other peoples. The best description I can come up with from what I have been told is that my son's brain is like an airport with the guy in the tower asleep. The planes are flying wherever they want because no one in charge. Worse yet they want the guy in charge to wake up so they all keep buzzing the tower. The uppers wake up the tower. It's a Hell of a life for a child to lead being in trouble all of the time. Mine is happier and getting the grades his incredible brain deserves. I'm not sorry I tried lots of other options first, but I am sure my preconceived notions of lazy parents turning to drugs was completely wrong.

I'll just leave this here:

Naptime!

In reply to slefain:

My seven year old is identical to yours. He was diagnosed very early on with sensory integration disorder. Just last year he was released from all of his physical, speech and occupational therapy. He had been going since he was two months old.

Every single thing you described fits mine to a T. He is very smart but has trouble sitting still in school, especially if they are going over stuff he already knows, and he is a quick learner. The principal even bought him a squishy chair, out of her own money, to allow him to fidget around without being a distraction to his classmates.

The move to Texas seems to have been good for him. He seems to really be making progress. But there are still tough days. Just last week we got a call saying he was pushing other kids into lockers.

My wife has some suggestions;

Hello, as my husband said earlier, our son too has Sensory Integration Delays but he doesn't have enough sensory input in his system so he seeks it out by touching EVERYTHING, putting things in his mouth and is constantly moving. I bought him a Chewy Tube through Fun and Function website that helps him during school to stop fidgeting, talking and being disruptive. Also, as said above, you could try a wiggle seat (squishy chair) that allows the child to move around without being disruptive but keeps them in their seat. You can also buy this at Fun and Function website for under $20.

Lastly, you mentioned that OT isn't covered under insurance...we too have faced this but we ended up getting our son a medical grant to pay for his OT services...look into United Healthcare Children's Foundation http://www.uhccf.org. We got a $3,000 yearly medical grant, the application process takes about 4-6 weeks but definitely worth it especially since you said your son was making progress while attending.

Good luck to you and your family, hang in there....things will get easier.

When I'm more near a computer, I'll get more stuff together.

When I was a lad in first grade, back in the early '70s, they called my mother in for a conference. It seems I was being disruptive in class and distracting the other kids. The teacher suggested to my mother that there was a new medication that would help me to focus and be less disruptive. My mother said, "Are you talking about putting my kid on ritalin? Do you know what I do for a living?(anesthesiologist) Are you insane?" She went on to ask if I was finishing my work, yes, he gets it all done very quickly, then he distracts the other children. Don't you think giving him more work to do would be more appropriate than giving him drugs? Pulled me out of there and put me in private school, where I did very well. When I went back to public school years later, they put me in all the advanced classes, plus an extra period with all smart kids where we published a school newspaper.

Point is, you need to keep kids busy. They have a ton of energy that needs to be dissipated somehow. You can let them get in trouble, or you can give them some direction, and make it a positive thing. The kid is probably plenty smart too I bet. When I was a kid, I would rather they took the belt to me than make me sit in a chair inside. Corporal punishment never worked on me. I knew it would be over pretty quick, and they were not going to spank me too hard. Dad is a big guy, I think he was always afraid he would hurt us. Keep the kid active, get him into soccer or martial arts or something, and you will see a lot of the behavior stuff go away. Kids are generally good, and they want to do whatever it is that would make their parents happy. It is up to you to tell them what that is.

When I was a kid, I wasn't anything like that. Just hyper and inattentive. In regards to the drugs, I was on them from 3rd grade through a good chunk of high school. That E36 M3 berkeleyed me up bad. Try every alternative before that unless you want a sick, shaky kid that won't eat or sleep.

swimming and lacrosse.

Sounds quite a bit like my oldest. I've found that since enrolling him in TKD, it's focused him quite a bit more. But, as others have said, find something to keep him occupied athletically.

In reply to slefain:

Wow. Reading your opening post was like reading a description of my son. Frighteningly accurate, especially the part about the post T.V. behavior and Lego.

I agree about getting him started in wrestling, it has helped my son's behavior quite a bit. He still seems to build up energy for the outbursts but he's more able to control it.

This part:

"sensory integration disorder. Apparently his body doesn't know where the sensory limits are. He senses everything at maximum level. He hates loud noises, bright lights, or harsh vibrations. In some ways he has some of the same signs of being on the autism spectrum, but there are some things that are missing that don't fit that diagnosis"

is me.

I never had problems with violence, in fact I was usually the one getting picked on. Product of being an only child. I had issues with "caring" about whether what I was doing really mattered or not. I gave up easily, in sports, in math, in being accepted. I was hyper because I wanted to do anything but what was in front of me.

Ritalin at 11yrs old made me care TOO much. Complete opposite. I would get borderline OCD. Temper went off the hook (swearing at teachers, hitting parents, throwing stuff). I got mad when I didn't understand stuff and teachers called me out. I remember crying in class because I wanted so badly to be "normal." Shrinks thought it was the divorce of my parents but I'm positive it was the meds. Made me a far better student though. I could actually understand numbers while on the meds.

When I was 15 I told mom I wanted off. Ritalin was kept kinda as a backup and I can't tell if that was good or not. I think I went back on briefly in 11th grade after nearly failing a math class, and again at 20 after flunking out of college.

I still have a terrible time concentrating, I have to be really interested in my work. I love new projects. "New" and "Variety" are my drugs now. I have close friendships but I get bored doing the same thing every week, just like anyone else.

I've concluded that some people are machines. Turn'em on, tell them what to do, let'em do it. Others are an animals, always reverting to basic instinct. Some of us are nesters and some wanders. Can't fit everyone into a neat little box.

A brother-in-law once said that Tommy was a jet compared to his 1 year older boy's airplane--everything happened fast and nearly (if not already) out of control. I agree with the others: Run him.

Exercise is great. Find a sport he enjoys, though it may very well be NOT team sports. Redirection helps. Also consider that he may need to be in Gifted education, which sounds extra-super until you've tried to fly one of these kids.

Good luck!

Martial arts worked for me.

Bearded.Bird wrote: Martial arts worked for me.

While nowhere near your son's level, my son (3.5 yrs) is like the Tasmanian devil sometimes. We signed him up for Karate classes even though he was a year too young just to burn some energy and allow him to punch and kick all he wants. (We went from yelling at him for punching to correcting his form when punching. Ugh) If kids have energy, they need an outlet.

Kudos for trying to avoid just drugging him out...it is the harder path for sure, but I have to think better in the long run. They grow up so fast, he will be going off to college and you will be laughing about all this before you know it.

Thanks for chiming in everyone. It's also good to know that we're not alone.

We've got him in Taekwondo and gymnastics. He loves doing both. He loves to swim, so that might be a good idea. I have mentioned to my wife that he may be old enough to run cross country with me. I'm no athlete, but I enjoy trail running, so that could be a good option.

We home school and once a week we meet with a local home school co-op where all the kids take class together. And as some of you mentioned and I didn't, was that he is VERY bright. Almost scarily so. Nothing gets past him. He blows through his school work like it is nothing (although he hates doing his lessons). My wife uses a few kinetic learning methods with him that work well. Lots of hands on activities too.

We dug through our crappy insurance coverage and may have found an OT that takes our plan. My wife is going to get our son an appointment and see if they can help. I'm not against meds, but I want to make sure that is the right decision and not just the easy decision. The kid who lives next door was just like our son (and they loved to play together) but they put him on something that makes him a little zombie. It's just sad to see what was once such a playful little boy turned into a little robot.

if he's acting out violently, i worry for you. if I had kids, i would be worried about him disassociating his violent actions from any context or consequence more than the problem of managing his energy level, especially if he's already started justifying being mean to other kids. :(

madmallard wrote: if he's acting out violently, i worry for you. if I had kids, i would be worried about him disassociating his violent actions from any context or consequence more than the problem of managing his energy level, especially if he's already started justifying being mean to other kids. :(

Luckily he doesn't get what I'd call violent. He could really do some damage if he chose to. He doesn't try to hurt people for fun, it is more like he doesn't understand why other kids don't want to wrestle with him. But I get your point and as a parent it is scary as hell wondering what every little thing could mean in the future.

pinchvalve wrote:

Bearded.Bird wrote: Martial arts worked for me.

While nowhere near your son's level, my son (3.5 yrs) is like the Tasmanian devil sometimes. We signed him up for Karate classes even though he was a year too young just to burn some energy and allow him to punch and kick all he wants. (We went from yelling at him for punching to correcting his form when punching. Ugh) If kids have energy, they need an outlet. Kudos for trying to avoid just drugging him out...it is the harder path for sure, but I have to think better in the long run. They grow up so fast, he will be going off to college and you will be laughing about all this before you know it.

In all honesty, I meant it actually worked for me as a kid. I dont have any and have not the bravery to take on such a task yet. But I can see how that could turn bad in your case though. Bad as in correcting a punch to make more direct. But even though I have no kids, I do know for a fact that kids do need an outlet and not to be on medication because they are overly excited and what not.

I've got 3 kids, all with very different personalities. Without getting into any depth, my youngest son is a handful. Some of the things you describe are very similar to him. He goes from zero to mad as hell in zero flat. He acts out when he gets upset. He is also a perfectionist. He expects to be the foremost expert on something the first time he tries it and has a meltdown if he's not. He'll get mad if he loses a game of Uno. But like you said about your son, he's actually quite a loving and sweet kid.

How you handle it and what you do with it is 100% dependent on your family values and beliefs. While there are obviously wrong answers, I don't think there is one right answer. Every kid is different, and their environment plays a role. We do things that we think are in the best interest of our son, but that's unique to him.

Sorry for a generic response, but I really think you need to find what works best for him and your family. If you feel psychotherapy is going to help, try it. Sports, go for it. My son is very active in sports, and thankfully he's fairly good. It's great to get ideas from others, but I've learned that a lot of this is trial and error, there's no manuscript. What works for my oldest son doesn't work for my youngest.

But you're definitely not alone. Best of luck!!

Just a note:

Studies that have been undertaken for a while now show that being physical (especially in the "violent" nature, such as punching a pillow or punching bag) actually reinforces the stress/anger/frustration as a "positive" (ie: punching the punching bag reinforces the stress/anger/frustration as a "good" thing in the brains chemical reactions).

Basically, it doesn't help. I'm not saying to not get the kid into sports, but I personally would suggest something less violent is all. Take that for what its worth as a guy with no kids

Also, everyone is talking about physical stimulation. Why not stimulate the kid mentally? The kid is young, but part of the issue could be simple boredom/not enough interest in what he is doing.

My parents (for instance) had me in beavers/cubs/scouts. It was interesting, but the people sucked, and really, I wanted to be out racing dirtbikes.

In reply to HiTempguy:

I wish my parents had me in beavers. They didn't even explain anything about it and I had a lot of trial and error before I figured out how to get into the beavers myself. Even then... I was probably doing it wrong. Maybe still am.