Bad Luck?

This may be slightly long winded but stay with me. Life changing advice you may give.

While I was home for the holidays, I was talking with my mother about marriage to my current girlfriend (she rocks BTW). My mother offered me the ring that my father gave her when they were about my age.

My parents divorced about 2 years after I was born, and I don't remember them ever being together.

I love my girlfriend and I want to ask her "the question", but as of now, I cannot afford to make payments on a small shiny piece of stone.

Should I take my dad's ring and ask her with it? Will she see it as bad luck? Should I ask my father's permission before using his ring? Should I ask her family's permission before asking HER?

any advice would be much appreciated.

thanks.

Bradley C. Brownell Maroon92

maroon92 wrote: This may be slightly long winded but stay with me. Life changing advice you may give.

Your life will change if you try to propose to a girl with a used ring.

Here is a cool idea: take the stones off the ring you are given, and get a new ring made. Bam, shows the original, amazing, creative, and caring husband you are going to be, and you don't give a cursed (yes, this is an issue to most women), used (yes, this is an issue to most women you cheap bastard ) ring. Problem solved. Probably don't bother telling her about where the stones came from. If she doesn't ask, no need to inform.

Edit- And while your GF may be the collest chick in the world (I have no doubt), they all think along the same lines, and some truths are pretty universal, just like some are for guys. If you don't like my idea, it would be better to save up for more months and get her a bitchin' ring, even if shes the type that says it doesn't matter... cause it DOES.

Use the ring Double B.

Don't put so much weight on the source of the ring, the emphasis must lie on the source of the relationship.

By the way my wife wears an heirloom as well.

John Brown wrote: Use the ring Double B. Don't put so much weight on the source of the ring, the emphasis must lie on the source of the relationship.

Yeah, i agree. I see a lot of girls disagreeing.

I am 50/50 with it. The $7500 ring got me an 18 month marriage and a $75,000 divorce. The used ring brought me 10 years of great marriage and two awesome kids.

Ask her parents before you ask her. It sounds old fashoned but you get big points with the future inlaws. It's one of the reasons I'm the favorite s-i-l, because i made the effort to do things the "right way".

I agree with reseting the stones. This way it is "Her" ring even if the stones are used. It doesn't cost much compared to a whole ring but can make it look completely different, where your pita relatives won't look at it and say "That was so and so's ring". Almost everyone has one asshat aunt that would make a stink to your GF about how cheap that makes you look. Also let her know where the ring came from.

Some people are superstisious, and don't be surprised if she would prefer to trade that ring in for a different one altogether, maybe see what yours is worth and offer trading it in as an option as well. .

maroon92 said: Should I ask her family's permission before asking HER?

I don't know about her WHOLE family, but in the very least you should ask her Dad. If you win over Dad, you win over the family. My in-laws all still bring up the fact that I asked my would-be Father-in-law for my wife's hand while my brother-in-law didn't ask him about my wife's sister. Make it something he'll remember (by him lunch or something) and it will win you countless points with your wife-to-be as well because her dad will relate the event back to her later.

Wally beat me to the punch.

Good advise on the re-mounting. I did similar.
There is no such thing as a new diamond or new gold. In both cases, the materials are centuries old.

What is new, is what you have crafted to present them.

For me, I shopped estate jewlery. Found what I wanted in stones (that happened to be mounted) and had them re-mounted. I ended with a 1ct center flanked by two 1/2ct stones, remounted in Platinum for $6k, cash.

More advise: if shopping stones, take color over clarity.
They use a term "inclusions" in grading which means "imperfections"
vvi1 translates to very, very small inclusions.
vi1 translates to very small inclusions.
vi2 translates to two very small inclusions.

These inclusions should be such that you can not see them with the naked eye. How many people really use a jewlers magnafy glass daily? This magnafy g;ass is called a "loop." The best advise given to me was to bring your own loop. I borrowed one from a lady friend.
The trick here is any time you are shown a stone and they tell you the facts, pull out your own loop and repeat the question back to them.

Like this:
Salesperson: this is a H color vi1
You: this is a H color vi1?
The question mark in your reply implies that you are questioning their grading (which is a subjective system.)
When you pull out your own loop, the whole tactics of the salesperson change. They then realilize that you may not just be the regular sucker.

Any stone you buy will have inclusions or imperfections. It is these imperfections that prove that the stones are not fake.
Keep in mind, both you an your wife also have slight imperfections but it really is these imperfections that make you both "real." just make it so that the imperfections are not blatently visible to the casual observer.

I went great in color (A being best.) I have G vi2

Do not shop at the mall!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a problem with the whole "You gotta buy her a big expensive ring or you don't really love her" thing. Most of this came from really effective marketing by DeBeers, a truly wonderful company. At a time when you are just starting out, with new expenses, probably not making a bunch of money yet, couldn't that cash be put into something more important than a fancy decor item? Like a house. If a woman would love me more if I spent big bucks on a ring, I don't think I would want her. After 10 years and you're still together, making good money, then buy her a fancy. Rant off.

cwh wrote: I have a problem with the whole "You gotta buy her a big expensive ring or you don't really love her" thing.

I don't believe anybody has advocated that. I did however advocate to not be a cheapass, as that is probably not something you would want reflected in your relationship when it comes to your significant other. Considering some would say its the most important day of your life (or the end of your life as it is known, whatever ) I'd say spending a couple of extra bucks on the ring would really say something, along the lines of "you are so incredibley important to me that I ate Kraft dinner for 6 months so I could get you this ring, even though it is only a rock, thats how much this symbol shows my appreciation/love of you". I think thats kind of the point...

Use the ring. Get a nice setting, and maybe add a couple of baguettes (or whatever they call them) on either side.

I went a little nuts with my choice. But, she was happy, and that was my main concern at the time.

I proposed with no ring. She said yes anyway....

"Nah, it's an expensive trinket that will be doing dishes and scooping baby shht, take me to dinner and call it even."

31 years later she's still here.

Maroon, do you need it to make the deal? Are you less married without it? Do you get it back if you divorce when you child is two years old?

Only you know what's right for you.

Dan

From my point of view(and only mine) no matter what women say, they love to flash the stones. The bigger the bling, the better it is. And other women do look and compare. The only way a normal guy(if there is such a thing)can afford to give his honey girl what she really wants, is to grab all the rocks you can- hand me downs, craigslist, pawn shops, back alleys, etc.-and have them reset. The old settings can offset some of the cost. Find a reputable jeweler and buy quality. If you wimp out and get crappy stones-even if they are big-she'll "know you didn't think enough of her ". It's just their nature. No need to go real big, maybe a 1/2 carat with a couple of smaller stones to flank it should do the trick and be affordable. And like Wally said, ask the prospective in-laws first. If they're not good with it, it'll be years before they are, if at all.

asked my wife without a ring, 20 years ago.

Mine's still waiting for an engagement ring, too . Married three years in March, she'll get one eventually but we've got somewhat different spending priorities at the moment.

Using the John Brown formula you might want to go for a comparatively inexpensive ring .

I can't stand women with huge rings. All it says to me is "when we get robbed, the bad guy is going to chop off your finger to get it". Jamie hates them too.

I purposely didn't ask Jamie dad if I could marry her. I always wanted to ask a girls dad if I could marry there daughter, but he's a drunk who was never present in her life other than occasionally to throw some cash her way, and I figured I didn't need his "permission" to treat his daughter way better than he ever did. John brown met the guy, so to speak. He can tell some good stories from the wedding.

Joey

OK, I said my piece about big expensive rings above. My present wife, which is my second and last, has a "cheapy" wedding ring we bought together at a discount place. Little diamond, cost about two hundred bucks. Guess what? Almost 20 years later, very happy, business partners, really wish we could have had kids together. Yes, she can be, and is, a PITA on occaision, but so am I. My point is, the size of the ring is nothing compared to the size of the committment. That is what really counts.

Thanks for all the advice guys. I will take some of it, and leave the rest.

I probably wouldn't ask until after we have lived together for a year. I figure if she is still around, she is the right choice. (obviously I was pretty sure before moving in together, and after 4 months, I am even more certain now, but it is just a promise I made to myself that I wouldn't ask until we had lived together for a year.)

I proposed with a placeholder ring and she designed her own ring and had it custom made. Big points.

Datsun1500 wrote: Reset stones is better than no ring which is WAY better than used/jinxed ring. Got married when I was 21 with a cheap ring, wife was 18. That was almost 19 years ago, the ring does not really matter. The 10 year anniversary ring hurt....

We're on the 10 year anniversary ring plan. This year marks the 8th anniversary, and I'm still broke.

I think the engagement ring I got my wife cost me $10. She picked it out of the secondhand store because that stone changed color the most. The commitment matters most.

Ring - get the stone remounted. Relatively inexpensive, she gets a new ring.

Asking dad - I did. I'm glad I did. OTOH, we did things way more traditional. If I were her dad, I'd be a lot more miffed about you living with her for a year than whether or not you got my blessing on the engagement. Cart before the horse and all that.

Her dad was less than pleased with us moving in together...then again, he got her mom pregnant out of wedlock and split for a while until he "found Jesus".

I will still ask his permission, but I won't put much basis on it. Her stepfather on the other hand, he raised the girl, so his opinion matters.

I was able to give my wife my grandmothers engagement ring. My grandfather gave it to me after her passing. She loves it. That being said, it comes from a life long marriage. I would (with permission of your mother), sell the ring to buy another, or re-purpose the ring somehow. A divorced engagement ring is a bit of a bad omen.

My next advice is to get what ever automotive project you wanted done before you propose. Once you propose, expect to lose at least one year of man time on any cool projects. They get kind of wacky during the wedding planning process.