Be the smartest person at your next meeting

Next meeting, I'm using these:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/02/meeting-tricks-10_n_6784046.html

(JG, I call dibs on 1, 3 and 6.)

As a former corporate office drone I can vouch for all of these methods. In fact, I have seen people use these methods to further their career. It is entirely possibly to be a useless worker, but if you look good in meetings people will keep you around.

Actually, #3 is a good thing to do even if you're not trying to look smart. As we often say around here, "what's the real question?"

And scalability is a thing, even if you don't understand it...

That was the most banal thing I've read in weeks, but thanks for reminding me how I totally do not miss business meetings.

From my experience in corporate meetings, there is a #11: senior managers should continuously monitor and respond to emails on their laptops and thereby ignore everything a lower level manager is presenting, just to show everybody who wields the power.

Geez, I'm glad I'm retired and made it through all the corporate BS.

A great PM also says:

• Let's table that until we can touchbase next week.
• I just need to circle the wagons with my team first.
• Can we try to look at this from a 30,000 ft view?
• blah blah key performance indicators blah blah
• Does this promote interoperability?
• In an effort to increase clarity around this issue, I will escalate it immediately.
• Let's be transparent here.
• We appreciate your input but we need to stay focused on the task at hand.
• Can you re-prioritize your schedule to make this a priority?
• That sounds like excellent feedback for your direct manager.

I'm forever thankful that I made things hands on … and didn't have to attend those types of meetings

my tolerance for bullE36 M3 got less and less the longer I was in the work force

I lol'd at the Venn Diagram. I had a very smart coworker who would draw meaningless Venn diagrams during long boring discussions to break up the monotony and get everyone laughing. It almost always involved two circles next to each other that didn't overlap with labels like "Employees that are bonus eligible" and "Employees that are not bonus eligible."

It's fun and amusing to read, but in reality, at least in good companies, nothing lasts forever. Eventually the non-performing poseurs are discovered and weeded out. Saw it many times. But there's always a new buffoon to replace the old buffoon. I'll say again, I'm glad I'm retired.

The ironic thing is that it is not bullE36 M3. It's social engineering--there's an art to subtly convincing people to overcome their resistance to listen and agree with you. Sure, there are some idiots that spew buzzwords just to sound 'with it'--but idiots are ineffective and easy to spot.

That makes my skin crawl.

Partly because it is so true, and partly because it is so creepy.

Gary wrote: It's fun and amusing to read, but in reality, at least in good companies, nothing lasts forever. Eventually the non-performing poseurs are discovered and weeded out. Saw it many times. But there's always a new buffoon to replace the old buffoon. I'll say again, I'm glad I'm retired.

Couldn't disagree with you more. Corporate America is soul-crushing.

I could post DAILY stories that would make you cry, but i'm afraid that it would bite me in the ass eventually, because even though i berkeleying hate this job and all the morons that surround me, i need a paycheck.

Likable people are worth more to a company/go further in a company than smart, hard working people who are abrasive.

Pretty straightforward. Maddeningly frustrating, but straightforward.

I used to hijack meetings for the lulz. I could derail anything. It was a sport.

oh my lord... we need to take 2/3s (66%) of you people out to the shed and hang 1 in 4 of you.... (about 17% of the original total)

meetings... bureaucracies way of getting creative people to kill themselves

Pffft, I'm always the smartest person at meetings.

Be sure to invert some pyramids, shift some paradigms, and interact with consumer touch points.

Oh, and the three circles of the hedgehog make you like 50% smarter than someone who just draws a venn diagram.

Even better if you don't bother to explain WTF the three circles of the hedgehog are, as if it's a term that everyone understands.

If anyone brings up six sigma or black belts. Punch me in the god damn face and just kill me on the spot.

I have jury duty tomorrow, and now hope I get selected to serve for a trial. I'll definitely interject a few of these if we end up in deliberation.

rcutclif wrote: A great PM also says: - Let's table that until we can touchbase next week. - I just need to circle the wagons with my team first. - Can we try to look at this from a 30,000 ft view? - blah blah key performance indicators blah blah - Does this promote interoperability? - In an effort to increase clarity around this issue, I will escalate it immediately. - Let's be transparent here. - We appreciate your input but we need to stay focused on the task at hand. - Can you re-prioritize your schedule to make this a priority? - That sounds like excellent feedback for your direct manager.

Somewhere there's a Sam Kinison line about this: "I'm not laughing because I'm too busy writing it down."

rcutclif wrote: A great PM also says: - Let's table that until we can touchbase next week. - I just need to circle the wagons with my team first. - Can we try to look at this from a 30,000 ft view? - blah blah key performance indicators blah blah - Does this promote interoperability? - In an effort to increase clarity around this issue, I will escalate it immediately. - Let's be transparent here. - We appreciate your input but we need to stay focused on the task at hand. - Can you re-prioritize your schedule to make this a priority? - That sounds like excellent feedback for your direct manager.

They don't let me in meetings because as soon as someone says one of these, I try to choke the E36 M3 out of them.

Gary wrote: It's fun and amusing to read, but in reality, at least in good companies, nothing lasts forever. Eventually the non-performing poseurs are discovered and weeded out. Saw it many times. But there's always a new buffoon to replace the old buffoon. I'll say again, I'm glad I'm retired.

and replaced with others just as bad

HiTempguy wrote: If anyone brings up six sigma or black belts. Punch me in the god damn face and just kill me on the spot.

I'm honestly curious about this, since everyone talks about it as a way of improving efficiency but it just reeks of bullE36 M3.

I can tell you that "#5 Repeat the last thing the engineer said, but very very slowly" is really annoying for the engineer.

Number 11 will endear you to the rest of the people in the meeting and deflate the pompous presenter.

1. "Could you please repeat that in English?"