Being Less Ghetto/Hardcore/Eccentric

I recently got a big promotion. I will be on tenure track in about a week, and already got the big office, greater responsibilities, more money, etc. I love the new job. The people I work with are almost all very nice. The social status that goes along with this job is significantly higher than what I had before. For the first time in my life, I have enough money to buy a house. This stuff is all wonderful. 

But I'm starting to feel more and more like a fish out of water. This is a general feeling, but it comes from at least the following factors (and probably more).

1. I'm meeting these people's families and friends. They are almost all stable, and look out for each other. They even expose weaknesses without their families or friends exploiting said weaknesses. This freaks me out. I keep looking for the setups, looking for the betrayals, looking for that giddy expectation folks get before they really twist the blade.

2. These people dress in suits, have leather shoes, drive new BMWs on lease, own multiple properties. I learned how to dress myself in my teens - and by that I mean that I got good at stealing clothes out of locker rooms because I couldn't afford to buy. All the clothes I own that are formal enough are really, really hot (and people in Asia love keeping rooms/offices/etc super hot) and I soak them in sweat. I'm bouncing back and forth between being the guy who is dressed up enough but soaking wet or the guy who attends board meetings in a T-shirt. I'm also the only one who walks long distances to get to work, which makes the shoes and sweat problems worse. 

3. The power structures don't make sense to me. The place I work is pretty well integrated into the local elite, which means there are people I'm simultaneously above and below. For example, there are two grad students (who I thankfully don't advise) who are, in the context of the university, below me. They are also co-owners of one of the largest companies in the city, major donors to the university, and cousins to the mayor. The mayor personally appointed my boss. In this sense, I work for them. 

This is the most striking example of what I'm talking about, but there are similar, smaller scale situations all over the place. Keeping work and social spheres separate, because of this and because the city isn't very big, isn't really possible. 

4. I realized that my idea of "play" is intense to the point of scary for a lot of these people. Feeling the back end of a crap can Daewoo get loose at 110 mph over a blind crest is my idea of fun. Jiujitsu is my idea of fun, and I take it as a matter of honor that nobody gets to crossface me(that means I fight peoples forearms with the side of my nose). I like the feeling of going to failure on a set of squats, I don't feel complete if I'm not sore somewhere, all the time, etc. 

On the other hand, their ideas of "play" often bore me to tears. Golf. Drinking. Fishing. Golf. berkeleying golf. 

I also realized I don't know how to do holidays and I don't know how to do an event just for fun. Holidays were always just annoying, expensive periods I couldn't work. Events for fun were annoying, expensive periods where I could have been working and stupidly chose not to. 

I don't mean any of this to criticize my new neighbors and co-workers. In fact, I consider their cultural practices and lifestyles superior to my own in many (most) regards. And I'm getting along well. I just feel fake, and very fish out of water. 

Any advice appreciated.  

I have no advice for you other than get used to it, or change who you are. Also, i would crossface you.

there's gotta be a Judo guy there. Since you're now in a higher bracket, maybe take up Kendo?

DaewooOfDeath said:

I recently got a big promotion. I will be on tenure track in about a week, and already got the big office, greater responsibilities, more money, etc. I love the new job.

Congrats on the above! You have imposter syndrome because you jumped social classes, and that's ok. I went through the same thing...here is what I wish somebody told me:

-Your intensity means you have the ability to perform better at your job than your peers.

-Power structures and social interactions have their own set of rules, the same as racing or jui-jitsu, and to be blunt there are winners and losers as well. Figure out the rules so you don't turn into the latter.

-Until you figure out the rules, just look the part and say the words. Yes, you'll feel dumb with some of the ways you spend your time and money, but it'll pay off.

Good luck-don't forget you're there for a reason.

Mother berkeleyer. You are enough. You got to where you are because of who you are and what you know not because of birth or who you know. 
 

stop this bullE36 M3 comparison stuff now. It is not useful in the least. Trust me. I do it all the time. 
 

if you want to change things, cool.  Self improvement is great. but remember you are you and that is enough. 

Don't change. Embrace and accept being different. You don't need to assimilate with your coworkers, just get along with them at work. How much do you see them outside of work anyway? Having to navigate office politics sucks but you can do that without assimilating too.

Also, assimilating with a more expensive crowd is a major cause of financial sickness. You go from happily racing cheap cars at Inje to racing supercars at Magarigawa and suddenly you're spending 100x more money to have maybe 20% more fun with people who are 80% more likely to be jerks. And then if you don't have 7 digits to throw around you lose all your friends. So you get more stressed about your job and want to stash away millions more just in case.

Get that tenure and you can basically stop worrying about job security for life, including a lot of office politics.

Those people sound horrible, you sound interesting. I'd stick with being you. 

Agreed with the above about staying you. The one thing I'd add is that if you feel like you need help navigating the social aspects of the new position, find a mentor, someone you can go to when you're not sure what to do or how to act.

As for the golf thing, I played a little bit in the 90s, but was never any good at it, so I haven't picked up my clubs in 25 years. Despite that, I've managed to be pretty successful in corporate America. If you're doing a good job, that's what matters. And there will be other people that have similar interests to you. 

Congratulations on the promotion!  Just remember to use as much of it to "work to live" instead of "live to work".  And on that, why do you think you *have* to hang out with your new peers?  If I was still racing, and none of my peers were golfing, fishing, etc- I would still race, as it's what gave me joy at the time.  Maybe I would try one of the new things, just to see if something new gave me a new joy or not.  But I would not give a crap if I didn't like it when my peers did.

It's very much not my job to hang out with the people I work with after work.  I always looked at work as a means to live- so while I would give a chance to some of the alternates, the leash would be super short.  And if my co-workers didn't like what I did- that's not my problem, it's theirs.

I do get that you end up being friends with some or a lot of your coworkers at some point- they are the people you meet when you move to a new area.  But as you move around the company, I never saw the need to forcing myself to make new friends who I didn't share much with outside of the job.  (In reality, I actually saw some of them worse outside of work, so to keep a good professional relationship, I really went out of my way to not know some people outside of the office)

Anyway, the point is you are who you are.  If you *need* to dress nice to do your job better, so be it.  And that's actually understandable.  But I struggle to see that you *need* to golf when you want to race a car.  If your work only gets better because of relationships being made outside of work, IMHO, something is wrong.

You are who you are, and that's who got the job.  Be you.

I think some of y'all may be underestimating how conformist Japanese culture is.

A couple of my friends are quite a bit "above me" Just be yourself, they'll appreciate it. I'm sure they're used to dealing with "fake" people and can spot them a mile away.

You've got impostor syndrome, but like so many others with it, you worked your way into a position where you've been successful enough to feel out of place. You earned where you are, you're just struggling with the details of the situation versus not belonging there. It will probably pass/fade over time. In my case, it's never gone completely away, but others jumping socioeconomic groups have reported different results.

To address your numbered points:

1. That sounds healthy. Based on what you said, don't be afraid to ask for help or ask clarifying questions. I'm of the opinion it's better to ask a question and have people think you might be a be a bit ignorant than to act the fool and prove yourself to be both ignorant and unwilling to improve. Don't be afraid to apologize if you berkeley up. 

2. Improving your wardrobe is probably one of the easiest things to do. Go to a reputable suit shop and get professionally measured, and get 2 lighter weight suits in the colors you see the others wearing. If this was in the USA, I'd also say to pick up a couple of sport coats/blazers and a few pairs of navy/tan/grey slacks to wear with them for less formal or classroom wear. Once you know what you like, get custom made suits in Singapore or something. A high-test friend of mine and her husband do that, and save tons of money on perfectly fitting, bespoke clothing. The catch is you have to know what fabric/color you want. I'll ask for a link. Hell, I need a new suit or two myself, so maybe we can go through the process together. I think there was a thread on buying second hand clothes on the boards a while back, too.

3. Yeah, I don't know. I'm guessing you're in Japan, so they have their own way of doing things which I don't understand. Refer to point number one- ask questions, apologize. If they see you're trying to understand and fit in, you'll probably get a lot of slack versus not trying. This may be one of the things to ask somebody more senior than you how best to handle. It'd be most beneficial if you could find a mentor in the same situation as you are. Seeking advice and assistance on this isn't a weakness, it's showing you care enough to take it seriously and respect the culture and individuals you're interacting with. I think it can only reflect on you in a positive way. 

4. I disagree with you about fishing. It's really fun if you combine it with extreme terrain exploration and jump off of ledges into pools of unknown water, or fish for sharks out of your kayak. Moving past that, as others have said, the odds are good some of the people in your circle have done or continue to do martial arts. Find out who. 
It also sounds like these people are generally risk adverse- they're doing well, have connections, are settled and just don't want to rock the boat or risk winding up dead. That's a mindset you don't share, but being aware of it and why they might think that way will be helpful. Don't push the difference in their faces, since they probably don't understand your mindset. 

5. The best things to do on a holiday are to work on cars or go fishing.  Seriously, it sounds like you got out of the broke-ass churn, which is a good thing. Enjoy your success. Take a breath. Things should get better from here. 

 

DaewooOfDeath said:

I don't mean any of this to criticize my new neighbors and co-workers. In fact, I consider their cultural practices and lifestyles superior to my own in many (most) regards. And I'm getting along well. I just feel fake, and very fish out of water. 

Any advice appreciated.  

Remember they picked you. Did you represent yourself as something you are not at the time? If not, then they picked who you are.

Give it time and learn to let yourself relax. It sounds a lot like you're used to living under a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty. You've effectively built in a trauma response. This happens. It's the same thing as a dog who goes from abuse/neglect to a shelter to being adopted by a good home. It takes time for them to realize that "safe" is a thing, and this is what it feels like.

I think you are right to want to present yourself more professionally. That doesn't necessarily have to mean a specific dress code. Just dress intentionally to convey the impression that you care about how you are presenting yourself. You can figure out your style. If you have trouble being warm, loose, flowing button down shirts and slacks are very comfortable and often cooler than cotton t-shirt and jean shorts. Linen and silk are very nice materials. High quality suits are often very comfortable.

Screw British-inspired men's fashion. Look to fashion from or inspired by warmer locales: India, SE Asia, Mediterranean.

Tailoring is a key element. Get a few reasonably nice things that you like the style of and have them professionally tailored to fit properly. This will make you look a LOT more presentable.

Your money can go very far and often give you the best and most unique style by shopping used. Get estate-sale suits or other businesswear off of Ebay or the like. These will often be incredibly expensive suits worn only a few times. Then get them tailored to fit properly. This is how I got what is effectively a $5k suit for all-in less than the cheapest offering from Mens Wearhouse or Indochino.

Their hobbies are boring? Yup. Can't help you there. Find people who love doing what you love.

Can't help you navigate the major cultural differences or power structure issues.

I always feel like a fish out of water, I usually took the road last traveled and have moved alot in my life, so I don't have that circle of friends with similar interest.  So rather than stew in my egotistical view of I am more unique and special then everyone else I try to ask thought provoking questions, that might bring out their uniqueness.  I will admit that when I speak to people that have kids there is always that level of conversation, however I try not to make that a footer in a conversation. My wife loves a place called Chautauqua institution which is a upscale gated community that does lectures and concerts, basically living quarters of the very rich. My wife was working there and I was invited to a event that was "Business Casual" Everyone but me was wearing a suit or a tux, I didn't know anyone and felt like idiot and didn't want to be there. The people I spoke with were very pompous, someone correcting me that they wanted to be referred to as a Dr. because they have a doctoral in architecture however they don't work. I work with professors that all have a doctoral and have never been demanded that they be called a doctor. I have many other stories, however my wife loves CHQ and her childhood was spent there so her prospective is much different then mine, she obsessed with the upper echelon of society and rues that we are on the outside. However I have had the same experience of all walks of life of people being shytty to me, however I have some guilt that I didn't understand the culture meaning behind what is "Business Casual" and the context follows the 1930's. What you wear has contexts as I work with students and have seen them show up to interviews with a dirty shirt and sweat pants.

j_tso said:

I think some of y'all may be underestimating how conformist Japanese culture is.

Not sure if DoD is Japanese or not, but if he's not, then why does he have to conform?  What good does that do?  He got the promotion when not "conforming."

And even if he is, pretty much the same.  

The idea that you have to give up what you enjoy doing AND start doing things you don't enjoy doing for the sake of "conforming" doesn't make sense to me.  If anything, that would take a HUGE amount away from getting a promotion.

Not sure how old any of you are, but if there are an M.A.S.H. fans out there, there was an episode where Radar O'Riely got a promotion from Corporal to Lieutenant via friends (didn't know it), and he was stuck in the same issues DoD is dealing with.  So he asked to be demoted back to Sergeant.  

It would really suck that the promotion you have been wanting for a long time made you totally miserable.

In reply to j_tso :

Not only conformist but also very hierarchical.  Buuuuttt. This guy should beat the hell out of himself for being who he is after getting the job. He got the job for who he is now and what he may be in the future.  

Richest dude I know wears torn up shorts and drills holes in his loafers "so his feet can breathe"

So yeah, don't get too caught up in it.  Let your performance at work and personality speak for itself.  

Fueled by Caffeine said:

Mother berkeleyer. You are enough. You got to where you are because of who you are and what you know not because of birth or who you know. 
 

stop this bullE36 M3 comparison stuff now. It is not useful in the least. Trust me. I do it all the time. 
 

if you want to change things, cool.  Self improvement is great. but remember you are you and that is enough. 

I read all the responses, and this one is spot-on and well articulated.

I also agree with those who suggested you buy a couple of mission-appropriate suits and be comfortable in them.

I have nothing specific to add.  But now I have an earworm with "Have a Cigar" by Pink Floyd.

 Good luck in the new job.  

I will backup what Gameboy is saying.  There is a bit of a trap for people who make more money.  They tend to just ramp up their spending so they are essentially right back where they were (debt wise).  Resist!  It will be FAR better in the long run.  E.g. a nice new BMW will certain drive / race faster then a Daewoo, but is it really that much more fun!

In regards to the social aspect?  Just don't be an a-hole.  That will get you very far.  Confidence in what you are and do goes a LONG way!

There are rich a-holes, and poor a-holes.  There are rich nice people and poor nice people.

Avoid the a-holes.

"Welcome my son"

"Welcome to the machine"

"Where have you been?"

"It's all right, we know where you've been"

"You've been in the pipeline filling in time"....

If tenure track is literal and you're in academia, I thought every department had an eccentrism quota to meet. You aren't a misfit but a proud upholder of the tradition! 

Congratulations on the promotion.

Boy do I feel this. Not because I get myself promoted, hell no. I purposely avoid responsibility. That E36 M3 isnt for me. I don't like drama. But, swmbo is bridging executive level Disney and all the things that come along with it. That means I'm around. 

The simple answer is I opt out. I don't go to dinners. I don't go to Holiday gatherings. I've set the standard at this point that I'm just not going to be there. The handful of people that have met me I think understand why. I accepted a long time ago that I'm not meant to be a part of the hierarchy as it were, and that's fine. I exist where I'm comfortable, and come in as a hired gun when someone needs my skills. It's happened several times, as attested to by the shirts and other things I've done. Come in, do work, leave. The end. 

I am sure its still , "The nail that sticks up gets beaten down"

So try and blend in without losing yourself , 

Get  some nice suits that  fit  summer and winter , the idea above about used high quality ones is great if you are a  close to a normal Japanese size.

Once you are there a bit longer you will find others with the same hobby , put auto racing stuff on your desk or whatever hobby you want to promote about yourself ,  maybe a GRM magazine on the desk !

You are never going to be Japanese , just try not to step on any important toes , if you do kiss butt and say you are sorry.....

And go to more car shows and post more photos , we are rooting for you :)

j_tso said:

I think some of y'all may be underestimating how conformist Japanese culture is.

I was just going to step in and say that.

It's good advice to stay distanced from office politics, but in Japan, almost everything is office politics.  There probably is not the luxury of completely separating the work and not-work environments.

DoD, I agree with everyone that you should not totally give yourself up to the new expectations... but look for ways you can assimilate a bit without doing things you absolutely hate.

From your OP it sounds like you need to learn how to relax in general.  Combine that with some "working social" hang out time.  If you can tell yourself that you're networking and building professional relationships, maybe the driven part of you can back off a little bit.  You might learn to enjoy some relaxation time.

You don't have to golf, but maybe the next time there's an outing, ask if you can come along to observe.  That shows an interest in their hobby, without having to get directly involved, and golf is half about socializing anyway.  People tend to golf when the weather is nice, and golf courses are usually pretty, so just enjoy being outside in the grass for a bit.

Again, you don't need to develop a completely new persona.  Your professional work ethic is clearly strong and well-developed, because you've been trusted with this new position in life - congratulations on that!  You can ease up on that part a little.  Now is the time to recognize your own successes and put in some time developing the parts of yourself that have a less direct, but still important, impact on your career and life.

First, congrats!  Self-reflection is a part of becoming a mature and useful human being. 

If there's one thing that hasn't already been covered in previous comments, it might be this:

... I keep looking for the setups, looking for the betrayals, looking for that giddy expectation folks get before they really twist the blade.

Is this suspicion something that started recently with your new environment?  Or do you have a history with worrying about betrayals?  If it's the latter, that mindset may be putting walls between yourself and others that limit you in all kinds of unseen ways.  Food for thought.