Biden's Trans Am

From "The Onion"

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the warm spring weather Monday, Vice President Joe Biden parked his 1981 Trans Am in the White House driveway, removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.

Vice President Biden ditched a day of presiding over the Senate to "give the twin cannons some sun." "This baby just needs a little scrub down," said Biden, addressing a tour group as he tucked the sweat-covered top into the belt loop of his cutoff jean shorts. "Gotta get her looking good so I can impress the chicks when I'm cruising down Pennsylvania [Avenue]."

White House aides said that Biden pulled into the driveway shortly before noon, the chorus of Night Ranger's "(You Can Still) Rock In America" blaring from his car's stereo. According to witnesses, Biden spent several minutes maneuvering the Trans Am into the perfect spot, and was observed drumming his fingers on the steering wheel until the song came to a close. The shirtless 66-year-old then entered the executive residence and greeted employees with a round of high fives and a variety of nicknames.

"Hey, hot stuff, looking good," Biden told a passing aide. "Would you know where I could get a little bucket and sponge action? My mean machine needs to be cleaned."

After acquiring the necessary washing materials, the bare-chested second-in-command returned to the driveway, where he spent several moments staring in apparent awe at the firebird decal on the hood of his car.

Biden wipes down the interior, and picks up any loose change, cigarette butts, and discarded condom wrappers. Biden, who purchased the white Pontiac in 1983, has made an annual tradition of taking time off each spring to wash and tune-up his vehicle. In 2008 alone, the veteran politician reportedly missed two dozen Senate sessions in order to spend some quality time "taking care of [his] baby."

"He does this every year and it really seems to rejuvenate him," Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-CT) said. "Back in 2001, the car was up on blocks in the National Mall, and he was so busy rotating those tires that he bailed on the confirmation hearings for secretary of state." "What're you gonna do, though?" Dodd added. "That car rocks."

As Biden gently applied a sponge to the hood and moved it in small circular motions across the car's contours, a number of White House interns walked by and caught the vice president's attention.

"She's a real beaut, ain't she?" said Biden, popping open a wide-mouth can of Coors Light and tilting back his head to take a long drink. "Back when Smokey And The Bandit came out, everyone wanted the black paint job, but looking back now, I'm thankful the dealership didn't have it in stock."

"Oops, looks like I got a little brewha in the flavor-saver," added Biden, referring to his wispy, four-day-old mustache. "Any of you girls care to join me for another tallboy?"

Biden then spent the next 15 minutes boasting about the features on his Trans Am. "They don't make kick-ass T-tops like this anymore, sweetheart," said Biden, shaking his head in exaggerated disappointment. "And check out these gold snowflake rims. They're a real bitch to clean, but they're totally worth it."

"Back in the day we used to call 'em panty-melters," Biden continued. "One babe caught a glimpse of those rims after a Cinderella concert in '86 and she couldn't get into that backseat fast enough. If any of you girls wanna take a ride, just let ol' Joe know."

For the remainder of the day, Biden occupied himself with hosing off his car, giving the side doors an extra coat of wax, and throwing out a variety of items from beneath its front seats, including crumpled-up fast food wrappers, a number of soft packs of Doral kings, an issue of Cheri magazine from 1991, and Senate bill S. 486.

According to White House officials, Biden was still hanging out in the driveway long after dusk, revving the engine at passersby and explaining the intricacies of a turbocharged V-8 motor to anyone within earshot. As of press time, Biden had convinced Jennifer Britmore, a 41-year-old mother of four visiting from Indiana, to let him show her around D.C.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/shirtless_biden_washes_trans_am_in?utm_source=a-section

I think I'd actually feel better about our national leadership if this were true...

... says the guy who could be seen washing and towel drying his '92 Camaro in front of his house last weekend. At least I was wearing a shirt.

LOL saw that yesterday and thought about posting it here...

turbocharged v8? damn...Biden knows how to roll.

PHeller wrote: turbocharged v8? damn...Biden knows how to roll.

Likely the stock turbo 301 with garrett TB305 drawing through the carb to make an awe inspiring 210 hp at 4000 rpm. 7.5:1 compression ratio. Not a real performance hound...

Watch out Andrave. We've got someone on here who owns one. I think he claims upwards of 300 hp on his now.

"Likely the stock turbo 301 with garrett TB305 drawing through the carb to make an awe inspiring 210 hp at 4000 rpm. 7.5:1 compression ratio. Not a real performance hound..."

The year and hood (offset bulge with "boost gauge" built in) are correct in the picture for a 301 turbo car. I know my trailer park is showing when I say this, but I'd rock an 80-81 turbo trans am.

why does 300hp not seem that great anymore?

I haven't dynoed my car but...

The fastest car in NHRA stock eliminator is a Turbo T/A, it's running low 12's: http://www.301garage.com/forum/index.php?topic=314.0

210 hp isn't bad, 345 lb/ft is pretty good.

Considering the 400 it replaced made 220 hp and 320 lb/ft, it's doing pretty good.

They're not a bad design really, people just didn't know how to deal with them. There's a lot of myths out there about how bad a 301T is, they're largely unjustified.

The car above is a 1 of 2000 1981 Daytona Pace Car. One of the most desireable 1979 - 1981 T/A's available.

Shawn

btw I checked the figures and the 81's were technically rated at 200 hp and everyone says the 80's were grossly overrated at 210.

That was back in the 80's when they let the marketing department come up with hp figures anyway.

I think it was just a bad combination of the carb'd 301 and the at the time relatiely new turbocharging/ electronic computer with automatic timing retard, and the E36 M3ty early 80's gas...

The hp drop in 1981 was due to the new CCC carb system and a drop in ignition timing.

The crappy gas has a lot to do with the poor power output, they had problems controlling detonation.

I just run premium in mine with 12lbs of boost and 14 degrees of inital advance and the difference is night and day.

Remember, Pontiac engines don't put down huge hp, they make torque. HP is made with rpm and torque output, this engine has a 4500 rpm redline.

The other thing is, the 301 started out as an economy engine, it was never inteded to be a huge performer. Take it for what it is, a product of the 1970s and 80's fuel economy standards and choked by smog regulation. This era gave us the 200hp Corvette too.

Shawn

ok. but will it outrun buford T justice?

Grtechguy wrote: why does 300hp not seem that great anymore?

because cars are too heavy now.

300 hp is pretty berkeleying great. think of all the "fast" cars- mustang GT, subaru STI, evo, 350z hell even the camaro and the vette....

all of those cars have been at or under 300 hp for a long time and only recently started to exceed that level... and the 0-60 performance on all of em is under 6 seconds. its a bit rediculous.

modern cars are heavy, but I bet all of the above are capable of better MPG than an 81 transam turbo...

That's not a bet, that's fact.

You're comparing apples to oranges.

My T/A gets around 20mpg if I can keep my foot out of it, the 4-speed manual conversion made the biggest change there.

I'd bet the TTA is paid off by now.

Shawn

curtis wrote:

Grtechguy wrote: why does 300hp not seem that great anymore?

because cars are too heavy now.

I'm not saying 300HP is a lot, but when my Aurora came factory with 250hp it's not saying a lot.

Yeah, evo's, STi's, etc are fast....

300hp used to be exciting news for production cars, Now? not so much

it really does have to do with the amount of weight modern cars have to drag around. hell the 300hp v6 camaro c/d tested against the genesis coupe recently weighed in at over 3700lbs. i dont care who ya are, thats a big fat pig of a car.

Trans_Maro wrote: That's not a bet, that's fact. You're comparing apples to oranges. My T/A gets around 20mpg if I can keep my foot out of it, the 4-speed manual conversion made the biggest change there. I'd bet the TTA is paid off by now. Shawn

4 speed conversion FTW. I just converted my 72.

Strizzo wrote: it really does have to do with the amount of weight modern cars have to drag around. hell the 300hp v6 camaro c/d tested against the genesis coupe recently weighed in at over 3700lbs. i dont care who ya are, thats a big fat pig of a car.

Very true, but the reason 300hp isn't that impressive in this case is...well it's a turbo V8. you expect at least 400hp out of an engine like that nowadays. The camarotank is a NA V6.

Don't forget, RPM has a lot to do with HP output.

Rev the crap out of it and it will post big numbers, how much of that is USEABLE power.

Sky high hp and torque are fun but if you can't get it to the pavement without sending the tires up in a cloud of smoke, it's pretty useless.

Shawn

bludroptop wrote: For the remainder of the day, Biden occupied himself with hosing off his car, giving the side doors an extra coat of wax, and throwing out a variety of items from beneath its front seats, including crumpled-up fast food wrappers, a number of soft packs of Doral kings, an issue of Cheri magazine from 1991, and Senate bill S. 486.

What's kind of funny about this is S.486 is a Health Care Reform Bill

Trans_Maro wrote: I'd bet the TTA is paid off by now. Shawn

nah I took the 30 year repayment option...

One of my favorite articles: "berkeley Everything, We're Doing Five Blades"

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the berkeleying vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, berkeley it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a E36 M3. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? berkeley, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best berkeleying razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then berkeley you. And if you're on the board, then berkeley you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on berkeleying electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your berkeleying life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the berkeley up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that berkeleyer, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

its better with all the swearing.