Dementia is the suck

My mom was diagnosed about 7 weeks ago. It's been 7 weeks of hell. That is all for now, too mentally and emotionally exhausted right now.

 Been there twice now. We're here to listen.

Megie

Marjorie Suddard said:

 Been there twice now. We're here to listen.

Megie

I know this is a serious conversation.   However, I found some levity in your signature.   

I've also been there a few times.  It sucks.

I just went through this with my Mom and it was difficult watching her go from an engaged and vibrant person to not being coherent.

She was a smart ass to the end, though.

My mother had an "ongoing stroke" in November. The body is alive , but Mom isn't in there anymore. We're here for you.

SWMBO died late last year from early onset Alzheimers. It was a tough couple of years, but it is over now. Life goes on. If you have questions or just need to vent, we are here.

Ex MIL has it... holy E36 M3 it's a rollercoaster. Definitely better days and bad days. Doesn't help ex spouse won't face certain issues. I would but I'm the bad guy and dgaf.

My mom started her battle with dementia a decade ago. For 5 years, the medications kept it at bay, and my dad was able to handle things with her at home. The last 5 years have been a long, slow, painful journey.

Her body is still hanging on...  

I feel for anyone who has to go through this with a loved one. 

wvumtnbkr said:

Marjorie Suddard said:

 Been there twice now. We're here to listen.

Megie

I know this is a serious conversation.   However, I found some levity in your signature.   

I've also been there a few times.  It sucks.

Hmmm, yeah. I may be closer than I know. Speaking of... the one good thing I learned at the appointment where my FIL was diagnosed is that not being terribly concerned about "slipping" is, in fact, diagnostic. So either I do need to worry and won't, or don't and will. As a lifelong worrier, this gives me strange comfort.

Margie

I rode this train once with my grandmother. Sorry you are going through it. 

I went through this with my mom. It's so emotionally exhausting that it was a relief when she passed away last year. Sorry you're having to go through this.

Been there!  

The worst thing about Alz is...it just won't kill ya but it makes living impossible.  That may seem harsh but my experience is that the loved one is gone and all you are left with is the empty shell.  

Now, lets not be all negative.  Some days are better.  

Volumes in this previous thread, especially heed the advice of an Eldercare Attorney.  

I'm so sorry that you are going though this with your mom.

I had a close coworker go through this with his FIL. The FIL's wife died about 8 years prior and it seemed to accelerate his decline. I only knew the FIL for about 2 years but I watched it slowly take his humanity. Before he passed, he was just a shell of a human; nonverbal, confused and unable to care for himself. It was heart wrenching watching my coworker and his immediate family try and care for his FIL.

Dementia runs on my mom's side of the family and she is starting to show the early signs of it. I'm absolutely terrified of it progressing.

Went through it with my father in law, mostly at some distance.  Lost my mother to a long series of strokes, and that wasn't much better.

I'm very sorry you're going to go through this.  I wish I could offer more.

Thanks for all the well-wishes and the link to that previous thread. I appreciate it.  I have a little time, and think the venting might be good, so here we go. 
As I prepare to write this, I don’t know if I’m going to feel like I’m lying on a therapist’s couch, or stepping on the Jerry Springer stage lol.  
I have 4 siblings, two brothers, two sisters. My mom and dad were married right up until my dad passed.

About 18 years ago, when my dad was still alive but in bad shape (multiple sclerosis is also the suck!!) my brother was in town from SoCal and we had a family meeting. My mom wanted to know what would happen to my bed-ridden dad and my two mentally disabled sisters if she were to die. See, my dad AND sisters lived with my mom. She was the primary care-giver and wouldn’t accept help from me, no matter how hard I tried. No mention of my brothers in connection to helping, a little foreshadowing maybe???????

In response to the question about who would take care of them in my moms absence, my brother from socal said he’s 2,000 miles away and can’t do much to help, but he’d help if/when he could. My other brother who lived 2.5 miles from my mom at the time, we’ll call him berklyhead for now said “we have our own kids, house, and work, so we’re out.”
My wife, (we, by the way, ALSO have our own kids, house, and work) said we’d take care of them if/when mom dies. No idea how, but we’re god-fearing people and believe that he will step in to help in some way). 
We moved down to FL 2.5 years ago, my mom followed shortly after that. That was the plan. We needed them close for just this type of situation.

On March 10 we were at my moms, attending religious services on Zoom when she suddenly averted her gaze, stared off into space, slack-jawed. The lights were on, nobody was home. She was unresponsive. That lasted for what seemed like an hour, but was probably 30 seconds. While we were still getting our bearing straight, it happened again, but for a shorter time, I think. But this time she couldn’t see and had NO idea where she was. Didn’t know the layout of her house, etc. I called 911 and she was admitted to the hospital. 
The doc said no TIA, even though her bloodwork did show those enzymes were higher than normal. We meet with the neurologist in a few weeks. She did regain her sight after a few hours. We think she had a TIA.
Anyway, that’s the back story. The here and now is where things are difficult.

My mom was the caretaker for my two mentally disabled sisters. She should not have been. None of the three can take proper care of themselves. I’ve been trying to convince her to get help with them for 30 years. She refused at every turn.

Today my mom is in a care facility, while my sisters are in the home alone, but with frequent visits from my wife and I. This works for now, but not long term. We JUST got them in the Medicaid Waiver Program for in-home help, and housing benefits. Like yesterday. That's great news for us.
My mom wants to come home, begs me daily to let her go home. Her memory is gone. She can’t take her meds, doesn’t remember to take them, doesn’t remember she even HAS meds to take, and doesn’t know that her blood sugar was 480-520 for weeks on end, and above 350 for who knows how many months.
My sisters are mentally disabled, and emotionally scarred because my mom was emotionally and mentally abusive to all of us our whole lives. My sisters won’t speak up because they are used to being belittled. My morbidly obese sister was having chest pains but didn’t call 911 because she "didn’t know if I should” and didn’t call me because “it was late, I didn’t want to bother you”. These are both symptoms of the belittling they experienced their whole lives (44 and 54 years old). They don't know if/when to call for help. This is not something that can be ignored.
To further complicate things, my younger sister is INCREDIBLY spoiled and entitled. She refuses to even consider the option of assisted, or even independent living in a facility, my older sister is ok with it. When we tell her that she will have to go to a facility, that will be the start of a nuclear meltdown. 
 

TLDR: So, my wife and I have three adults with different mental disabilities that we need to re-home that all have different wants and needs. My mom throws the guilt trips at me often, and one of my sisters in uncooperative in all things. One of my older brothers breezed into town 2 weeks ago and wants to have a say in things, my other brother is coming in a few weeks, but I’m sure he’s just checking a box. He wants nothing to do with this dumpster fire.
The dementia is going to be hard enough to deal with, but it’s the messed-up family dynamics that are going to do me in one day.

Thanks for listening, sorry for burdening.

In reply to DrBoost :

Oooof, that's rough.  You have absolutely nothing to apologize to us for.  If we can't do anything else to help, we can at least listen.

That's a heavy load. I hope you can find your way through it while staying sane.

I throughly empathize and sympathize with your choice cut of the E36 M3 sammich.

We too struggle with the adl's. ExMIL wants to "go home" all the time. Consistently have to reorient to the fact "home" doesn't exist anymore. The culture has changed, her friends are either dead or living closer to their families away from the area, the house we all resided in burned down after we sold it to a neighbor because it was unfit to live in anymore with flood and termite damage. It's an almost daily "fight". She can't take care of herself with needed medications she didn't take for almost 6-8 months including lantus insulin... She can't cook anymore because she can't figure out how to cook. She doesn't drive anymore either. I can go on but I'll stop there.

My advice, do not give in. If you have to, you may have to seek a court order to force an appointed mpoa on your sisters. I live that hell with one of my ex wife's friends. She's 50, was cared for by her grandmother until she passed a few years back, has a mother who is sick of her daughter's crap and has politely threatened institutionalize her, has undiagnosed Asperger syndrome, gad, depression, and generally barely can take care of herself.

I wish you the best sir.

In reply to DrBoost :

i'll PM you my number.  i have no answers, but I have two ears, and i'll listen when/if you need to unload.