Eight years of failure (not a flounder)

I'm not interesting at all. It's a good thing I'm already married because I have no passion for anything anymore...or maybe being married has stripped me of all my passions...on that note the op should stay single for as long as possible.

The problem is, 'interesting' to one person is 'yawn' to another. I read a lot, keep up on current events, can make some interesting conversation, drive a stinkin' race car for cryin' out loud! (and no I don't have to explain what autocross is ), I do (or rather did) all kinds of stuff. Lots of people (not just women) have their eyes glaze over because in this town the only real big thing is college football which bores me to tears.

logdog wrote:

moparman76_69 wrote:

slefain wrote: Hang out at school supply stores. I swear most car guys I know are married to school teachers, including me.

Most of the ones I know are in a field related to nursing, including myself.

Geez. Am I the only car guy that married into the Travel software development and implementation industy?

Don't look at me, I married a dancer- probably the LAST profession I would ever have figured on my SO being involved in.

It took me quite a while after my divorce (something like 5 years...) before I even really made any efforts at getting back into the 'dating scene'. The ex and I had met in college, so I'd really never experienced dating in the 'adult' world, and it was further complicated by the fact that I don't drink and thus going out to bars and such wasn't really a viable option. SWMBO and I met through Match.com- honestly if you looked at our respective profiles besides both being divorced you likely would find next to nothing in common- but we hit it off immediately and though we've had our rough patches (we dated and broke up 3 times before getting it right this time...) that spark, as she calls it, has always remained and been enough to bring us back together. We've talked about it on occasion and concluded that without the internet dating we likely would never have even been in the same place at the same time much less have had the chance for that spark to light up.

Don't try so hard, don't worry about anything because you're a free adult at one of the greatest times in history, and just make friends with folks.

pres589 wrote: one of the greatest times in history

Very debatable. Many forms of social backwardness are at an all-time low and gadget coolness is near or at an all-time high, but on the other hand we're basically in The Great Depression 2.0 right now and a certain economic statistic I won't name is at the worst in recorded history.

Lesley wrote: Jesus, sounds like competitive dating. Relax, it's supposed to be about enjoying each other, not being successful at luring someone in. How about just going to a club and dancing with a lot of girls? It's fun, and no pressure.

That assumes one finds going to a club "fun". To me, it was like hot needles in my eyes, even when I was in my 20's. Now 20 years later, I can't imagine going to a club.

After 11 years with someone, I've been single for almost 2 years now. While I wouldn't mind finding somebody, I haven't been actively looking either. I'd like to find a nice woman, but my tolerance for bat-sh1t-crazy is at an all-time low and will need to rise a bit before I can start dating again.

The earlier comment about financial status amuses me. Right now I'm more financially stable than I've ever been: good paying job, paid-for house, no debt other than a small car payment. I apparently come across as dirt-poor as women ignore me now more than ever.

I don't know what a tinder is.

But... the thing I did to get friendly smiles from girls was to have lots of kids. Obviously there's a bit of a chicken and egg situation going on here that may cause some issues, but walking through the grocery store with four kids hanging off of various parts of the cart gets me all sorts of feminine attention.

slefain wrote: Hang out at school supply stores. I swear most car guys I know are married to school teachers, including me.

My wife is a kids case manager for kids with special.needs..... Does that count?

I'd recommend match.com or one of the other dating sites. Also, don't try so hard on finding someone. It seems that most people find someone when they are least expecting.

In reply to GameboyRMH:

Well you're no fun anymore.

Seriously, I don't think things are amazingly awesome 100% everything no questions asked. But come on... we don't have the Plague to worry about. It's easy to travel. It's easy to learn all kinds of new things at home! There's a million things to do and the guy sounds like he's got a bit of funding and flexibility.

I'm saying these things because I think it's easy to forget how fortunate most of us are and how free we really are to do things with our lives. I know I've forgotten that in the past. And usually I'm not getting a lot of attention from people I may find attractive when I'm feeling trapped or directionless.

In reply to tuna55: I don't know... farting in the grocery seems easier

Beer Baron wrote: I recommend learning to social dance (swing, blues, salsa, tango, ballroom, etc). Not only a great way to meet lots of women, but to get a sense of if you have chemistry. Also flattering attention even when you're not looking.

Back when I was deep into being single, I learned LA style salsa as an obtuse leadership development tool for my new management job. And also because I wanted to dance and I like pretty ladies.

It is a lot of fun, and knowing how to dance is a nice parlor trick to have. Even if you are not great, you will still be better than 99.9% of the general public, so it can be your little secret. I taught my now-girlfriend, who had only danced swing dancing before, so it's another potential cheap date.

I took a Shag dance class when I was about 17. There were a bunch of 30 somethings ladies there, learning as well. Maybe that still holds true and you can learn to dance and meet some ladies with similar interests.

Toyman01 wrote: I took a Shag dance class when I was about 17. There were a bunch of 30 somethings ladies there, learning as well. Maybe that still holds true and you can learn to dance and meet some ladies with similar interests.

Depends on the area and dance. Swing dances tend to draw broad ages, but scews younger towards college age (still, lots of 20-30 somethings). Blues and Fusion tend to be 20-30 somethings a couple years older than swing dancers. Tango seems to draw lots of 30-40 somethings, but it is a difficult dance. Ballroom is usually older couples whose kids are finally grown. West Coast Swing varies by area/group as to whether they are the same demographic as the ballroom or the blues people.

Talking about social dancing got me thinking...

What you should probably do is stop worrying about meeting women, and just work on being more sociable and meeting new people. You will probably be generally happier just by building your base of friends. Basic statistics say that roughly half the new friends you meet will be women. You'll probably have better luck finding a healthy relationship by relating with women first as friends before looking at them as potential mates. Women tend to like that.

Evidently my requirement of "Not having 3+ kids all by different baby daddies" is too much of wishful thinking.......

One of my good friends is a woman, and it's an eye opener to hear what they really think. First, most are not impressed with what you drive at all, unless its a total pile of stinking garbage. They are really more impressed with what you wear for instance. And most importantly, confidence. When I would go out with her and a group of her friends, guys that didn't seem confident would get blown off. I'm not sure it was on purpose or that even knew they were doing so, but it was interesting to watch.

I'm going to have to agree that being comfortable with yourself and your life needs to come first. Without that it's difficult not only to attract another person, but to keep them as well. You have to like yourself before others will.

I met my wife when I wasn't looking for one, and when I was out in my beater Subaru picking up crap at Lowes. We started talking about flooring and I told her what she was looking at sucked. Of course she bought it anyway and I had to deal with it when we sold her house...

In reply to racerdave600: You really shouldn't have started that out by flooring her......my god man, at least take her to dinner first.

In reply to racerdave600:

My now wife was impressed that I drove one of these :

I was impressed that she could drive a stick.

I had a flock of female friends for years and made lots of my mistakes with them, but it didn't stop me from making mistakes with women that I actually pursued romantically. It did, however, allow me to hang out with women without getting the wrong impression.

chaparral wrote: got hired by an automaker. I play with future cars all day.

Right here I will say that this kind of work may be interesting to us, but outside of the industry nothing but yawns. It is something to be rightfully proud of professionally, but based on your tone I would suggest practicing glossing over your work in any discussion with females, if you must mention it at all aside from initial civilities. If they're really into it, let them pull the info from you, but I always assumed no female cared about the M-plate I had parked outside.

2nd I would suggest that having/pursuing a female platonic friend(s) should be higher priority than having a girlfriend. It's a better social investment; Females are much better wingmen than men, and the female prescence is calming and just nice, even if you're not doing anything but hanging out. That also takes away your mental pressure to 'perform' (socially) and also tends to get you out of your typical routine of places you go, things you see/do.

I was a Detroit OEM transplant too, and it's a different scene socially than other places, I think because of the sprawl and lack of a defined city center around which things revolve. You get little pockets of specific kinds of people in different areas and so meeting people casually is alot more difficult than in a more centralized city.

It's the same as driving fast: Look ahead, know your limits, don't drive your mirrors, and always have fun!

I'll write this cracked.com style to try to make it funny.

My dating life has been...eventful. Seen my share of LTR's (long term relationships), had my share of one or two off dates, and did my share of pal'ing around with women friends that nothing ever happened with.

If you want to meet women and influence them in and out of the bedroom I'd suggest:

• Having some women friends is a big help. It gave me someone to bounce ideas off of as well as get perspective with. They could tell me if I was acting like an a$$ or spot on and just not getting good results for whatever reason. They also taught me how to talk to women as well as how not to talk to women. As a counter to that I have a male friend from high school that is great. The way we interact has caused a few people to recoil in horror. We insult each other, berate each other, say the vilest things to each other in the effort of true kindness. Women don't often appreciate this. This guy and I have an understanding forged in the darkest days of public schooling. After dealing with him for years I had to learn how to talk to women differently.

It was a bit like this poster to be honest.

• Women go crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Do dress well. It can only help your ability to be taken seriously or at all. It's not hard really. I would suggest doing some research on men's clothing sites. Unfortunately appearance is a part of this ritual. It's not all there is and there are some women who care less about this than others. I find that the particular style is unimportant because if you want to dress like a pimp..there is a woman out there who appreciated pimp couture.

Learned that bit of wisdom from these guys

• Ask her questions. I think a lot of guys bull into a conversation with the idea that they'll impress a woman with their achievements, pursuits, and/or stuffed hunting trophy collection. It ain't happening. Sit back, chat with her about stuff she's interested in. Ask her about herself, her job, how much she likes vegetables. If you can get her talking...it takes the pressure off of you and shows her that you're not self-absorbed. If all else fails, ask about her shoes. Especially if she has on anything that would be considered mildly fancy. You can bet she put some thought and effort into them. She'd love to talk about it too. Feign interest if you're not interested. She'll do the same thing once you're going on and on about your sh!tty car and how awesome it is that you pulled the brakes to upgrade it from some GT model in a cold and wet junkyard because you think it's awesome to spend a Saturday that way. This tactic will also keep you from running off at the mouth and sinking yourself with some ill timed or ill thought out joke. That was my personal downfall. My joke would've killed on South Park but unfortunately not at dinner during a first or second date.

Hold yourself back ladies. He's been working on this for years between stints of chronic mastaurbation.

• Get out. You'll never meet a woman on your couch unless you have roommates or are in college. Go out and do stuff. I never had much luck at bars but you might. My gig was to go do active things that were kind of silly. Karaoke? Check. Adult Kickball leagues? Check. Meetup.com has some stuff you can get in on. Dungeons and Dragons usually never worked.

Sorry Nana. I was looking for someone a bit younger and less family related.

• Approach women. This is the same as your couch. If you don't get up and go talk to someone you'll never get anywhere. An ice breaker I used to use when feeling too down to say anything to women...just go up to one you find attractive and say "Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that I think you're a very beautiful person." I got a smile in return every time. Worked great. Sounds like you're ok here in the approach department. You've approached them and had some interaction which puts you well ahead of all basement dwellers and/or keyboard heros such as myself.

Behold, the majesty.

• Women are like banks. Both will never give you anything if you act and look like you desperately need it. A bank won't loan you money if you desperately need it. Same with women and the other resources they control.

I was thinking of home cooking.

So don't get caught up in what you don't have and want..like sex. Cruise up, follow this advice, and act like you don't need a single thing. When you actually don't need anything...she'll show up and you'll do just fine.

Step 1) grow slightly long 5 o clock shadow

Step 2) acquire 6 string guitar

Step 3) buy 2 pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks.

Step 4) pour out one, write your number on the other, but do not throw away empty

Step 5) find girl wearing leggings as pants, offer her the full psl with your number on it. Say you couldn't finish it or you got stood up or something. Be sure to say she is pretty.

Step 6) ???

Step 7) wait 3 weeks for the "I'm pregnant" phone call. Bam, Instant relationship.

If you don't get the call, repeat as necessary.

I may or may not be going to hell for this. Hint: I am going to hell, but not for this

Have you tried having lots of money?

Mitchell wrote: The trick to getting into a relationship is finally being satisfied that you are not in one.

So much this.

A relationship was the furthest thing from my mind when I met my wife 3 years ago. Met her in the bar on the ferry on my ride up to Alaska. She ended up working at the same hotel I did that summer and went on our first date in May, were engaged the next June, and got married in March this year. Happier than I ever thought possible.

I moved to Alaska with a motorcycle and a duffel bag and some hope of turning my life around for a fresh start. Now I have a dog, a house (moving in to it in 2 weeks!), a new car, a good job, and a wife who just pulled the goalie so probably kids within the next year or two. Life is pretty damn good. I wish I could rightly say how it all came together but all I can figure is I said screw it and starting living for the day doing what I wanted and how and got damn lucky that I was ready for it mostly as it happened.