Fumbling life away

The last few years of my life, I feel like I can't get out of my own way. I have some great things happen to me and I fumble them because I can't get out of my own head. I've made some epic mistakes and not been the man I know I am and the man my kids should be looking up too. I've been extremely selfish and toxic in my behavior, an shiny happy person, and making decisions and not thinking about the "cosmic" level impact they might have, only thinking about the near term effects. 

Now, my whole world is crumbling around me because of this behavior, and let me preface, I'm not here looking for sympathy or empathy, I dug my own hole, I'm owning what I did. I'm here asking for help from any of you who might have been here before and how to get out of it. Professionally, I'm fine. I recently got a job offer that is fully remote and will let me be more present in my kids lives, slight pay decrease but worth it in that regard. It's my personal life that's struggling. I'm in therapy, I'm reading self-help books like How to Stop Being Toxic and How to Be Accountable, journaling and trying to document when I have these crappy emotions and what triggers them, and studying the way of the Stoics. 

I feel like I'm in this mid-life crisis rut and instead of buying a Corvette, I'm doing stupid things instead that hurt people that I care about. I know I can't undo the past and only be better in the future and the now but my self-hate is immense right meow. 

12 step programs aren't just for addictions. I did one (for an addiction) and discovered that you can just about "12 step" anything. 

11 months ago my wife left me because I was being a E36 M3head. I was able to win her back thankfully, but not without consequence. I lost 35 pounds, unfortunately some of it muscle. I was also a piece of E36 M3 at work. Since last december I have burned ~400 hours of leave, fortunately I have plenty on the books even still.

It's also been a ball kick after a ball kick in other things in life this year. Seriously, the 2020s can suck one.

The week of my birthday in august my wife had a camping vacation with her mom. I spent the week horribly self reflecting, I do this every year but usually I am not an shiny happy person. I beat myself up bad in my head and I am sure in my liver.

In that week I realized that I hated what I had become and remembered the man that I was/am still. I'm no angel but I am better than what I was.

Sometimes the only correction needed is you. I needed to do it. You can too.

Based on my own experience, I would be cautious about a full WFH role. Too much time alone is not good when you're in a fragile state.

The worst rut I ever got into was during Covid when I wasn't able to be with people. I'm an introvert but I still need to be around people. Those two years staring at my basement wall were convenient for the (non) commute to work but horrible for my mental state.

I wish you luck. Recognition of a problem is a lot of the solution. 

It takes time to dig out. Every hole is different, but it takes time and effort no matter what.

When I'm in a dark place, I find that weightlifting helps.

- It gives me an outlet to pour my emotions into, but it's constructive rather than destructive behavior.

- It's also my time to focus on myself, and the simple counting of reps/sets/rest periods is kind of meditative, making it harder for other thoughts to dominate my focus.

- When I invest in myself, I find that I sleep better, make better food choices, etc as well so there's a compounding effect.

- After a couple of months of consistent dedication, I start to see and feel real results which gives me a sense of accomplishment as well, and improves my self image.

You are acknowledging it, that's a pretty important step. 

I had my own issues that sound a bit like yours. Without knowing it and without trying to be, I was a pretty miserable person to be around.   People can only take so much of that before calling it quits. Lucky I snapped out of the head fog i had been in since i was a child and made things right. Therapy is good, the right meds help.

I also found out that i was doing everything wrong when i read "the five love languages". It explained a whole lot of my issues and how to communicate right. Highly recommend it to EVERYONE, ANYONE. 
 

good luck. Everyone berks up at times. Its just how you handle it that matters. 

In reply to DirtyBird222 :

I find mindfulness meditation helps a LOT. This book was recommended to me on this forum, and has been great.

Practicing mindfulness doesn't make the chaotic thoughts go away. They *will* happen. It's about training yourself to detach from them and view them from the outside. Instead of getting stuck in my chaotic and destructive thought spiral, I can say, "Oh look, my mind is running through its chaotic self-destructive thought spiral. I should not try to make any decisions based on this."

It also helps defuse a lot of situations that *could* be fights because I'm able to recognize and tell my wife when I am going to be extra reactive and irritable. I can recognize that annoyances that set me off are *triggers* for my mood, not *causes* of it.

OHSCrifle said:

Based on my own experience, I would be cautious about a full WFH role. Too much time alone is not good when you're in a fragile state.

The worst rut I ever got into was during Covid when I wasn't able to be with people. I'm an introvert but I still need to be around people. Those two years staring at my basement wall were convenient for the (non) commute to work but horrible for my mental state.

I wish you luck. Recognition of a problem is a lot of the solution. 

I had two offers. One was WFH and the other was at a location ~45 min from where I'm planning to live (around my kids). Same pay. The cost savings from gas/tolls/time in car plus the flexibility to be there for my kids outweighed that social part. It does require a bit of travel and on-prem work so I won't be a full recluse. 

I'm active in the gym every day or running or on the bike. Those are staples in my days. 

I'm also trying to reduce distractions and stressors in life that made me feel strung out and almost start from scratch and rebuild. Jetski, Raptor, and Miata are gone. Canxed a lot of streaming services. Really just trying to figure out who I am, what really makes me happy inside, and what's lead to this crap behavior. 

First off, as a fellow human being, good on you for trying to be a better person and not trying to drag everyone else down to where you perceive your level to be.

Second, as a smart arse, you got rid of a Raptor and a Miata?!?  Now, the "two wolves inside of you" do not have any vehicular outlet.  You can't be a redneck superstar or a fabulous hairdressing autocrosser.  What outlets have you left yourself now?

As seen in the previous posts you have a ton of support here on GRM. 

Realizing the problem is the start. You got this man.

travellering said:

First off, as a fellow human being, good on you for trying to be a better person and not trying to drag everyone else down to where you perceive your level to be.

 

Second, as a smart arse, you got rid of a Raptor and a Miata?!?  Now, the "two wolves inside of you" do not have any vehicular outlet.  You can't be a redneck superstar or a fabulous hairdressing autocrosser.  What outlets have you left yourself now?

I still have my Sequoia, S2000, a Grom, and the Accord champcar (which is shared). The S2000 is like 80% complete on my rebuild of it. I ran into the hard front brake lines up front having stripped nuts then just falling apart. I called the guys over at HEL which are local here in central Florida and they made me some temp use braided lines so I can at least move the S2000 around, get the diff and clutch broken in, while I create some new hard lines. The car has been sitting for most of the year because of the unfortunate break up I had last year and getting booted out of that exes house. I really only got the diff back in and some new bushings in the last 12 months. Progress is progress though. Alignment, paint, and new top are the last parts of that project but those are big things. 

"I've been extremely selfish and toxic in my behavior, an shiny happy person"

I'm not making light of this by any means but you've got Optirectalitus. (A E36 M3ty outlook on life) Find out why. I have spells where I lash out and act like a total shiny happy person but it usually passes after a day or two. If SWMBO hadn't worked the call center at FEDEX so long and learned how to handle jackasses, I'd be either dead or living in the woods eating berries.

Edit: Read "Running With Sherman" by Christopher McDougall. It'll lighten you up and might lead to something.

You're not alone.

I was a gigantic ass for a long time, I think it was a coping mechanism to deal with a bunch of other stuff in my life.

Then, about 10 years ago my mom passed. I thought I was dealing with it but I wasn't. A couple years after that I started down a path of very destructive behaviour. My wife almost left me and I had a nervous breakdown. Panic attacks, depression, the whole nine yards.

I got some professional help and (I know, not the solution for everyone) found my way back to Buddhism which I had experimented with when I was a teenager.

Meditation helped an incredible amount. So did applying the 12-step process to my own life, on the advice of a couple of friends who have been through the program. If you're interested, Timber Hawkeye's books are great, as well as Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle. The Zen Studies Podcast is also great.

I've still got a lot of stuff I'm working on but it's getting better.

You're already on the path, keep going. You got this.

DirtyBird222 said:

...but my self-hate is immense right meow. 

Another book that might be worth adding to your list to try out...

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

DirtyBird222 said:

The last few years of my life, I feel like I can't get out of my own way. I have some great things happen to me and I fumble them because I can't get out of my own head. I've made some epic mistakes and not been the man I know I am and the man my kids should be looking up too. I've been extremely selfish and toxic in my behavior, an shiny happy person, and making decisions and not thinking about the "cosmic" level impact they might have, only thinking about the near term effects. 

 

Man, this part of your post I feel as though I could have written myself.  In some ways I've not set a good example for the kids and they are the most important part of my life.  My $.02 for you is the same as I'm trying to apply to myself: the past can't be changed but there's nothing stopping you from being what you want to be (and if there is something stopping you, "Berkeley Them" and do it anyway).  Staring at the amount of change necessary to be what you want to be is paralyzing but it's the old adage about eating an elephant: one bite at a time, every day.  The book "Atomic Habits" might help you.  I need to drop 50 pounds and get my liver enzymes back in line before I retire.  The lifestyle change is going to absolutely, positively suck, but it must happen.  You've recognized the problem so now all you have to do is fix it.  We know you can do it!

First, if you can make it, come to this when we land on a date.

https://grassrootsmotorsports.com/forum/grm/informal-unofficial-2024-grm-holiday-meetup/274264/page1/

Second, it's great that you see the need for change and are doing the work. A couple of years ago I was at a very low spot and decided I needed to make a change. I worked with a counselor every other week for 6 months. We did a few sessions of EMDR and worked through the things that were dragging on me. This got me to a place where I wanted to start working out again and found a trainer to work with. A year and a hlaf into that and I'm feeling better than I have in a long, long time. During this time I've been really mindful of my gratitude practice and have cut things out of my life that weren't serving me. 

This is a journey. It is your journey. There are so many self-help books out there because when people figure it out they want to share what worked for them. The only issue is that their journey worked for them. It is not your journey. You can often learn from their trials and their perspective, but only you can walk your path

My final $0.02. Be kind to yourself. Establish a gratitude practice. Live as much as possible in the present. The past cannot be changed and the future is uncertain. If things rile you up (ah, triggers) try as much as possible to mentally step back and ask "why?" We all learned our coping strategies and defense mechanisms somewhere. Who taught you yours, and are they serving you. I hope you find what truly brings you joy in life.

In reply to OHSCrifle :

When not traveling I WFH and sometimes I'm not motivated sitting at a desk in my house.   Once in a while the wife and I get in a bickering mood with me cutting into her time.  

WFH is cool when Chicago is getting a winter storm but other days I wish I could go to an office. 

Datsun240ZGuy said:

In reply to OHSCrifle :

When not traveling I WFH and sometimes I'm not motivated sitting at a desk in my house.   Once in a while the wife and I get in a bickering mood with me cutting into her time.  

WFH is cool when Chicago is getting a winter storm but other days I wish I could go to an office. 

I mix my schedule now. A lot of in person and on site work and a lot of WFH with "on camera" meetings all the time. No lack of motivation. Things are greatly improved. 

Sorry to hear that. It might help to take stock of the good things in your life. You mentioned kids, and a good job, that's something. You'll also do well to find  local friends who can encourage the best in you and won't bring out the bad. I'm not sure where you are in your spiritual life or what you believe there, but giving some attention to whatever higher purpose your life could potentially have is also likely to help. Focusing on something bigger than yourself can make your problems look a little smaller, whether it's organized religion or experiencing nature (You're in Florida, maybe go snorkeling at the Keys?). Just some general ideas that have worked for me when bad stuff happened.​​​​​​

Man you guys/gals are all awesome. Thank you for the support, kind words, and guidance/recommendations. 

I'm not making light of this by any means but you've got Optirectalitus. (A E36 M3ty outlook on life) Find out why.

You're right, that is part of my issue. In all of the stuff I'm doing right now (reading, journaling, etc) I've peeled back that part where I've just been inherently looking at all the negative in people and things. I think part of that is human nature and a survival instinct but you know, this book provided some tips on how to pause, reframe those thoughts, and consider alternatives like looking at the positive or neutral in situations. Maybe that person is in a rush to get to their kids ball game, maybe that person is having a bad day and doesn't mean anything by it, maybe this minor speed bump isn't much in the grand scheme of things. 

I also had this amazing girlfriend, she was beautiful, strong, successful, and I didn't think I was worthy of her. Things were going so well and then I put up these walls, then I made a bad decision on a work trip, and it fell apart. This is the thing I really want to focus on in rebuilding in myself. I hurt an amazing human because of my own insecurities.  

With the work from home thing. I know it's not the best for what I'm currently going through but I need the flexibility for my kids right now. My ex-wife is not easy to work with, constantly putting me through the ringer, and loves to get her lawyer involved when I don't agree with something she wants to force the kids to do. Getting my kids 50% of the time vs. 15% of the time is going to be huge, not only for me but them and will hopefully force her to be a more amicable co-parent. 

Depending on the home I buy and the space inside/outside. I'm planning on buying/building a shed office. That way it's separate from the house, if I need to use the bathroom, it forces me outside for a minute, and I'm not rolling out of bed right into a meeting. 

It's kind of hard to say without knowing more specifics, and I'm certainly not a shrink, so please take everything I'm about to say with a grain or 20 of salt but, in my experience, happiness and unhappiness tend to be matters of expectation. Namely, when you expect something good but get something bad, that's sadness. When you expect something bad, and get something good, that's happiness. 

My favorite version of this idea is from the Roman senator Seneca, writing "On the Shortness of Life." Basically, he argues that if you want to bulletproof your peace of mind, you should both expose yourself to bad stuff (if you don't get enough already), and remind yourself that you don't need good stuff. Seneca made himself homeless periodically - proof that he could be happy even without a home - so that he wouldn't be afraid of losing his seat in the Senate.

The end result is a kind of healthy pessimism. An extreme but hopefully illustrative example would be if you woke up every morning conscious of the fact terrorists might kidnap you. If you can make peace with that, every day you get home without a terrorist attack starts to feel like a blessing. And it's all just learning to expect less, so that more things can exceed your expectations. 

This is really hard to do in 2024, in my opinion, for a lot of reasons. But a big one, and one that I personally have rejected (with a massive improvement in life quality), is to simply remember that all the freedoms, rights, justices, dignities, fairnesses etc that people say we deserve, or say that we automatically have - none of them are real. If you spend all day thinking you deserve freedoms/rights/justices/whatever, you're going to be disappointed more or less always. 

Good luck and it's good you're coming face to face with your problems. 

In reply to DirtyBird222 :

RE: WFH

Just a side observation... My son W'sFH and recently realized he was feeling isolated and in a rut even while doing his 50 mile weekly run mileage.

 Atlanta has office spots? I forget what he calls them but WFHers gather and get coffees and mingle while they work. He does that some and seems to like it.

1. "Your focus on hating yesterday is killing your opportunity to love tomorrow." Gary V.

2. "Gratitude is the cure" Gary V.

3. "I genuinely like people, have compassion and understanding when things don’t go well with them! Love and adore their capacity and the overall warmth and good we have in the world. Perspective is a powerful thing. If you see this, thank you" Gary V.

Things that I think about everyday:

1. Stop hating on yourself everyday and learn from your mistakes.

2. I always need to remind myself to be thankful and humble.

3. I work from home and most of my time is spent with my family, the world can look cold and unforgiving, and often I probably lecture my family to much that it is. When I explain one of the reasons I enjoy racing it is because of the community. I will never forget I won a kart race because someone on the grid noticed my tires where put on the wrong direction and he changed them in 2 minutes, I was able just to catch the green flag waive in last place and passed everyone to win it. I don't know who it was but thank you.

In reply to DirtyBird222 :

Have you had any traumatic events in the last few years? When I had a drunk Floridaman biker DRT himself across the front of my SUV I became an shiny happy person due to the PTSD. I was only slightly injured physically, but it jacked up my head. You are already in therapy which is great, but don't overlook something that might have been a trigger.

I've been working from home for over a decade now. It takes self discipline, but having the time with my family makes up for whatever corporate ladder B.S. schmoozing I'm missing out on in an office building.

+1 on the shed office. Keep your work space separate. Plus as mentioned it makes you get up and go back in the house for stuff. My daughter lights up and runs to me for a hug whenever I'm just going inside for more coffee. Makes my whole weird career choices worth it.

I hear CBD can be really helpful at taking the edge off. Finding the right dose is key though. Or so I've heard.

DirtyBird222 said:

You're right, that is part of my issue. In all of the stuff I'm doing right now (reading, journaling, etc) I've peeled back that part where I've just been inherently looking at all the negative in people and things. I think part of that is human nature and a survival instinct but you know, this book provided some tips on how to pause, reframe those thoughts, and consider alternatives like looking at the positive or neutral in situations. Maybe that person is in a rush to get to their kids ball game, maybe that person is having a bad day and doesn't mean anything by it, maybe this minor speed bump isn't much in the grand scheme of things. 

Not sure how much my situation fits with yours or what but here's what I've found about myself:

I get frustrated with wanting things to be better or to turn out a certain way. I then will hyper-focus on what is wrong. I'll over-analyze. But frequently I won't have any power or ability to sway outcomes. So I get frustrated and keep digging further hoping to find something I can do. My brain thinks that if I understand things better or come up with a better plan, I'll be able to exercise some control. But I can't, so things keep getting worse. (Watching political news during election season has been bad for me.)

I have had to consciously stop myself and ask the question, "Is there actually anything I can do to make this situation better." If there isn't, that gives me permission not to worry about it.

I also try to avoid "venting" about things that frustrate me. It feels good in the moment, but it doesn't actually relieve any frustration for me. All it does is cause me to think more about and dwell on things that frustrate me.

I guess finally pausing to ask myself if it's worth the hassle. Stupid aggressive drivers being asshats in traffic... I could try to block him and teach him a lesson because he can't push me around... or I can just merge right and let him go past me.