Gah, can't win

Ok, sorry to post this here but its one of the few places I know SWMBO wont be reading and I need to vent a little.

So odd thing happens today, out of the blue there is a letter in the mail from my ex GF whom I lived with for 4 years prior to meeting my wife. Right away I knew it was from her although I tried to dismiss it as just a weird feeling but I was right.

I should say I've moved 3 times since we parted ways and not stayed in contact so the fact that she had my address is a little creepy but really since I have websites registered to me I guess my addy is only a whois lookup away.

So I thought the letter might be informing me her mother passed or something since I was close with her mom and she is up there in years. But instead it was a rather disturbing rant about the past and how she realized where she went wrong and knew how to change and she hasnt given up on us.....a wee bit stalkerish but not overtly threatening.

I should also mention that she may have no idea Im married, as I said all contact ceased before I met my wife so it could just be a reaching out to see if there's a chance, who knows.

Now it seems whenever this stuff plays out in a movie the dude hides it so as not to upset the wife and things always go bad. Well crap, I've got nothing to hide and in case she did go into full blown stalker mode I didnt want the wife to be caught by surprise. So I told her about it. Now she's in a complete snit and even though I did the "right thing" I'm getting the treatment like somehow I had something to do with this.

Ya cant win....

Hang in there brother, she will realize this and calm down eventually. Just give her a chance to deal with the fact that there is someone else out there that wants to be with you. It wont take your wife long to realize where your heart is!

You played this one right. I think that your wife will come to see it that way.

Woody wrote: You played this one right. I think that your wife will come to see it that way.

Not married but had a similar situation happen. It the initial shock/ new news thing thats working now. Give it some time. Re-assure your wife that the ex wrote you without your influence blah blah blah.

Parents always told me this about relationships (at any level)

1) Always tell the truth 2) Keep communicating..communications is vital to a healthy/ happy relationship/marriage

Yeah, she's never been one to dig into the past so now Im getting all the questions about why we broke up and how I felt about her etc etc and its kinda a difficult conversation with some well chosen answers.

We broke up because her kids (previous marriage) were tearing us apart and it was obvious she had to choose between us and no mother should have to make that decision so I broke it off. I wont lie, there was nothing wrong between us, we had a good relationship but she needed to be a mom and I was not helping that. But that's all past, I moved on and there's no looking back.

My wife is trying to play "what if" to judge how I feel about all this and to be honest there are just some questions I dont ask myself and dont try to think on to much. The past is past, cant change it, gotta deal with the present and where I'm at now.

She's saying I or she should contact her to let her know Im married now and that's how it is. I personally thing its best just to not humor this effort and ignore it. Any attention, positive or negative, toward the effort could only spawn more.

If you ever think you can understand a woman, you were fooled

Oh god I learned long ago to not try and decipher that code.

I'm gonna say she feels threatened which also means jealous. I'd also recommend not writing back, that could lead to more weirdness. You ain't lived till you have been between two women in that sort of situation. Trust me, BTDT. The current (soon to be ex) Ms met my last GF at a murder trial. I thought there was going to be a second murder trial before that situation was done with.

Yeah, I have no intention of writing back, I just cant see any good outcome of that. I think wifey is just worried she's gonna keep coming. I dont forsee it and if she becomes persistent then we'll look at legal matters. But honestly it was a letter after 9 years apart sent shortly after the 1st of the year. Strikes me more as someone who was reflecting on the new year and their lives and decided to reach out to someone they once loved. And seriously, anyone who is actually hung up on ME for 9 years needs some serious help. I think the whole thing probably had more to do with some bacardi than real emotion.

Jensenman wrote: The current (soon to be ex) Ms met my last GF at a murder trial. I thought there was going to be a second murder trial before that situation was done with.

oooooo boy, wouldn't want to be in your shoes in that senario. If it helps man, keep the faith, she'll come around. Got the same phone call about a year after my ex left for another guy. My current wife kinda flipped a bit, as she thought I was going back to her when I told her about it, but with a bit of reassurance she was cool, and it's been 6 years since that point. Give her time.

nailed it

I was expecting that the letter announced a child that you were unaware of.
It could be worse!

She will never know that the letter reached its intended recipient until you reply.

MitchellC wrote: She will never know that the letter reached its intended recipient until you reply.

My thoughts exactly!

MitchellC wrote: She will never know that the letter reached its intended recipient until you reply.

Or, if you do, make up some story about a Wartburg and she'll run away screaming...

shadetree30 wrote:

MitchellC wrote: She will never know that the letter reached its intended recipient until you reply.

Or, if you do, make up some story about a Wartburg and she'll run away screaming...

Actually she'd have been into it. She's the only GF I've ever had who liked spending time in the garage. Sadly, to me that was a negative. Garage time is my alone time.

Maybe these two girls need to get to know each other a little better...

Woody wrote: Maybe these two girls need to get to know each other a little better...

Gaaahhh...no. I have enough trouble with one!

Honesty and truth are the only answers. For all parties. Ex has to understand that you have moved on and found your soul mate. Wife has to understand that she is the love of your life and that you are devoted to her and only her. All people over the age of 30 have a history of failed relationships. That's just fact. Wife should be reassured of your feelings. Ex has to be informed of the realities of life, and the possible problems if she pursues you. I have been there and done that and pray I never have to go there again.

JThw8 wrote:

MitchellC wrote: She will never know that the letter reached its intended recipient until you reply.

My thoughts exactly!

Only thing I could suggest is saying to the wife, "..look, I know you're angry about this..but I have to tell this woman that her regrets are not my problem. I'm also going to tell her that I'm happily married, and if she wants to keep her head, she better not cross my wife." Reassure your lady that you're not going to post up any personal details about her, or anything about your life together.

And then, if she's OK with it...actually write the reply that way.

JThw8 wrote: Ok, sorry to post this here but its one of the few places I know SWMBO wont be reading and I need to vent a little.

Gotta ask, SWMBO? I know I'm behind the times a bit but I'm curious about this one. PM me if ya don't wanna post it.

She Who Must Be Obeyed

LMAO that meaning never entered the thought process......works for me.

Spinout007 wrote: LMAO that meaning never entered the thought process......works for me.

Ah. Still single, I see.

EDIT: DOH! Sorry, Spinout! Saw some of your other threads...

cwh wrote: All people over the age of 30 have a history of failed relationships. That's just fact. Wife should be reassured of your feelings.

Well, everyone has the same maximum amount of successful relationships, one.