Gah, can't win

I think you did the right thing. I say better she get it straight from you, rather than find it hidden in the sock drawer. I think you should talk to your wife honestly, and tell her you just want to put this behind you. Be open and honest with her, but don't let her interrogate you. It should be a discussion. She'll come around. And ignore the crazy ex unless you hear more.

Whatever you do, tonight isn't the night to PIITB.

You should have thrown the letter away the second you realized it was from your crazy ex. Reading it was a mistake.

Woody wrote: Maybe these two girls need to get to know each other a little better...

[music]bow chicka bow bow![/music]

Wife needs reassurace, we all do sometimes. Focus on your relationship with her and put the letter and the relationship it represents in the past. I don't recommend contacting the ex at all. Consider it a sleeping dog and let it lie. You absolutely did the right thing by telling her about the letter, even if she doesn't immediately recognize that. Let her know she has nothing to worry about.

Do not reply.

As for dealing with the wife. I dunno. Maybe you could try to spin an angle of "Makes me appreciate just how well I've done relationship-wise..."

mojo is on the money. you showed your wife that you have nothing to hide, and eventually she's going to see the truth for what it is. tell her that if anything about your past was changed, you wouldn't be where you are today, ie with her.

i have never asked my wife about her past. i'm pretty sure she wasn't born with the talents she's got, but i don't need to know how she developed them. and the one time she pressed me for an answer about partners, i told her "i've only had one that matters."

Didn't you post something about a song with catholic girls in it once? Talents eh?

friedgreencorrado wrote:

JThw8 wrote:

MitchellC wrote: She will never know that the letter reached its intended recipient until you reply.

My thoughts exactly!

Only thing I could suggest is saying to the wife, "..look, I know you're angry about this..but I have to tell this woman that her regrets are not *my* problem. I'm also going to tell her that I'm happily married, and if she wants to keep her head, she better not cross my wife." Reassure your lady that you're not going to post up any personal details about her, or anything about your life together. And then, if she's OK with it...actually write the reply that way.

this might become necessary at some point, but as posted earlier, if you don't respond she won't know if you received the letter... wait for a second one then discuss with wifey about how she would like you to go about making ex go away... you've done nothing wrong here, wifey, at some point, has to understand that

Have the "Minister of War and Finance" [SWMBO] compose a reply that states, between teaching martial arts, re-qualifying at the pistol range, and shuttling you back & forth for hepatitus C treatments, she has been rather busy, but would love to invite the EX over for "Scrabble-Night" ! It may be a few more weeks before the triplets are over H1N1-like flu as long as your other 4 children don't get it!

Or, just have her write a Letter never sent to vent!

HTH, Chebbie

Dats1500 nailed. Now it's "We dated, it didn't work. I MARRIED you." End of discussion. If she keeps it up, send her packin' too.

Yeah, that's where we are at, I have no intention of contacting her. The letter was in the trash before I even mentioned it to SWMBO so I had to dig it back out. She was correct that its best to file it away just in case anything goes stalkerish.

But basically I took the time to remind her she has the login and password to every forum, email account, facespace, etc etc I have. Im not hiding anything and Im not looking to replace her.

Even if I was...Ive never bought back a previous car of mine and I kinda feel the same way about dating...no point moving backwards ;)

JThw8 wrote: But basically I took the time to remind her she has the login and password to every forum, email account, facespace, etc etc I have. I'm not hiding anything and I'm not looking to replace her.

Oh, Crap! You mean she's been reading my posts?!!

Woody wrote:

JThw8 wrote: But basically I took the time to remind her she has the login and password to every forum, email account, facespace, etc etc I have. I'm not hiding anything and I'm not looking to replace her.

Oh, Crap! You mean she's been reading my posts?!!

I said she knows the passwords, not what actual forums I frequent :)

Woody wrote:

JThw8 wrote: But basically I took the time to remind her she has the login and password to every forum, email account, facespace, etc etc I have. I'm not hiding anything and I'm not looking to replace her.

Oh, Crap! You mean she's been reading my posts?!!

OH E36 M3! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

I think your wife would understand as long as the ex doesn't sneak into your house and boil the bunny.

Dan

This happened to me, almost exactly, right before I married my wife. My old high school GF wrote me this long letter that went all the way up to "I still love you, we're meant to be together, blahblahblah." She must have thought about it for a while. Came in a birthday card to me, which would have been several months after news of my engagement would have spread through the ol' hometown.

I read it, started laughing, immediately handed it to my wife (still laughing about it - "you'll never guess what this is in a zillion years...") and she got mad. Not mad at me, at the nerve of the old GF. The ex, btw, never got a call, email, or reply to any of that. I just ignored it and pretended nothing happened. It did provide loads of amusement for a few hours there, while my wife and roommate's GF had a giant bitch session about this girl.

Just ignore it and let her stew in her own insecurities- if you reply, you'll be confirming where you live. Not a good plan for stalker-y exes to have that piece of info...

Just curious, how far a way is the ex/stalker?

No advice to give, sorry. Though you are welcome to come hide out in my shed if you like. I'm sure I could find a heater and sleeping bag somewhere.

sachilles wrote: Just curious, how far a way is the ex/stalker? No advice to give, sorry. Though you are welcome to come hide out in my shed if you like. I'm sure I could find a heater and sleeping bag somewhere.

Thanks for the offer, not too worried about hiding out. If she hasn't moved (I really dont know) she's far enough that she's not doing drivebys to see if she can catch me in the yard but close enough that if she really had it in her mind to come find me it could be a day trip. Probably about 3 hours away or so.

Things are slowly calming down and getting back to normal. Wifey is still concerned the ex might try to contact me again or do something crazy but I think she realizes I'm not interested so she's willing to let it rest.

She really wanted to send a nasty note back to her and like so many here have said I belive that ignoring it is the best tactic. No need to stir the issue up or confirm that I'm even aware of it. Its been 9 or 10 friggin years, she'll fade away again as long as I dont provide any encouragement (and I think even a negatively worded letter could still be considered encouragement)

Give her the reassurance, give her a week and if she is still not over it then you can point out that if this is the treatment you get when you are honest... then that will have been the last time.

Irrationality can not be allowed a foothold or you will be in for a long bumpy ride.

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote: Give her the reassurance, give her a week and if she is still not over it then you can point out that if this is the treatment you get when you are honest... then that will have been the last time. Irrationality can not be allowed a foothold or you will be in for a long bumpy ride.

Ding.

Insecurity is a hell of a drug.

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote: Give her the reassurance, give her a week and if she is still not over it then you can point out that if this is the treatment you get when you are honest... then that will have been the last time. Irrationality can not be allowed a foothold or you will be in for a long bumpy ride.

Doh, I was supposed to give it a week?

That could be part of the problem ;)

Wow. Am I the only one who thought the note was going to have a picture of a kid enclosed? THAT would cause problems. The current wife needs to relax. No harm, no foul.

PS: And no. You can't win. So don't stress about it.

poopshovel wrote: Am I the only one who thought the note was going to have a picture of a kid enclosed?

I was thinking of that or the AIDS bomb.

Consider yourself blessed.