How in the hell do people succeed?... Am I just terrible at Life?

AngryCorvair (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to The_Jed :

Dude, you started low and went through some E36 M3, yet you're still here and still putting in work to continue improving life for yourself and your family. That right there is success.

edit: yes, I know it's not the kind of success that you can spend, but it speaks to the strength of your character, and it says that you *will* keep improving life for yourself and your family.

To expand on this- Just breaking the cycle of abuse (drugs and physical/emotional) is a massive, massive massive victory for your children and yourself.  You should give yourself a huge load of credit for that alone. 

In reply to golfduke :

This is the most important thing that has been said in this thread!

I grew up in a family with EXTREMELY low income. But only your "normal" dysfunction. 

I'm blessed to have not had that chain to break. Anger management and depression is about our worst, and I've finally started doing better there. 
As a young adult, I lived on the wild side, and seen SO many folks your age repeat their parents habits. 
Money may be tight, but you've won the most important parts of life!

Much goodness in this thread. I'll highlight some realizations and touchstones gained through my own journey. 

1. We are all human. Our circumstances and experiences differ, but not a single one of us is the perfection we sometimes seek. Seems to me that movement towards the "better" is our purpose and perhaps even our job on this earth. Stasis isn't where we thrive as human beings.

2. We were born with the toolbox for life. Figuring out which tools and how to use them is different for every individual. I know this sounds a little woo-woo but thinking this way puts all within the realm of possibility. We hold the keys to our kingdom, it's about finding the right doors to unlock.

3. Responsibility is important. I read this somewhere, " if we put other people in charge of our happiness, we also put them in charge of our unhappiness". If I can somehow find my responsibility in any given situation, I will never be a victim. Victims whine and point to others for their maladies. Purposeful people recognize their accomplishments and humbly acknowledge to themselves their worth without a need for crowing to others.

4. This I still struggle with. Asking for help. We are wired to assist others, yet are ashamed to ask for ourselves. There can be joy in both giving and receiving.

Enough of the philosophy. I wish OP, and all who contribute here, "success" in whatever endeavors they embrace. 

Not sure if it's been said yet but I saw the other day that the University of Illinois is giving free tuition for students whose parents make less than $67k/year. If your kids can get in to U of I, might be a bit of relief.

In reply to karplus2 :

They do similar programs all over the Midwest. My nephews take advantage of that. Most if not all are triggered by the FAFSA. Very important to get that in and include any options they are thinking about. It's a good program and reduces the costs to just room and board since now a days most of the books are online. 

karplus2 said:

Not sure if it's been said yet but I saw the other day that the University of Illinois is giving free tuition for students whose parents make less than $67k/year. If your kids can get in to U of I, might be a bit of relief.

That is amazing! I'm a few thousand under the cutoff so, that helps a lot! 

In reply to The_Jed :

Boss wants to give you a $4000 raise......no, it's going to cost me.....LOL

In reply to Datsun240ZGuy :

I actually had that happen with my employer. Offered me a raise that I refused because it would have made my kids ineligible for college benefits. 
 

It hurt for a couple years, but the payoff was very significant. I turned down $5000 so that 2 of my kids could get benefits equalling about $30K.  

In reply to The_Jed :

You said you were in the Marine Corps. Are your kids eligible for the GI Bill?

Medically discharged... Do you receive disability?  Are your kids eligible for the DEA program?

If the cutoff is AGI you can just funnel any raise to a tax sheltered account and keep your total just under the limit.

Jed, 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through everything you are. I think a lot of folks have touched on great ways to climb out and manage this. It's not going to happen overnight but it all starts with a mindset. It can start with focusing on positive things vs. the negative and stemming from there. 

Things to reiterate - you were medically discharged. Go to the f'ing VA now or use the online process and start that process. Anything and everything you can reference back to your service in the Corps, do it. If you get 100% that's a huge stipend each month, huge benefits for you and the kids, and a life changer. 

Look for other jobs, don't pigeon hole yourself to something you know. Sales as others have mentioned are a great way to make serious money. Be willing to learn, be willing to put yourself out there, and tell yourself you can do it. Self-limiting beliefs kill more dreams than any one other thing. 

I was born into a semi-normal family and have always had a great support network. I consider myself to be successful for the most part but I've eaten my fair share of turd sandwiches in the last 5 years. I've lived out of the back of my truck in order to pay my child support and alimony obligations so my kids could keep the roof over their head and dinner on the table. I knew it would be temporary because I told myself it would be and fought my way out of that sheet. 

I don't know what state you live in but you don't need a lawyer in Florida and you can represent yourself in family law issues. I dropped my lazy, money sucking attorney and started representing myself. I use chatgpt, google, and any other resources I can find to help me file paperwork, discuss issues with her attorney, and so on. Most court systems are so convoluted that you almost need an attorney to navigate them, but if you are willing to sit down and do your own research, it will pay off on many fronts. I've saved thousands of dollars and netted so many more results than using an attorney. 

Keep your head up bro, you got this, we got your back here, keep pushing through, and know that you can always come here for support and guidance. 

carbidetooth said:

3. Responsibility is important. I read this somewhere, " if we put other people in charge of our happiness, we also put them in charge of our unhappiness". If I can somehow find my responsibility in any given situation, I will never be a victim. Victims whine and point to others for their maladies. Purposeful people recognize their accomplishments and humbly acknowledge to themselves their worth without a need for crowing to others.

 

I've been struggling with this for years. I let my ex-wife control so many of my emotions because she objectifies the children as tools for manipulation and control. I finally put the hammer down after this last girlfriend left me for being emotionally unavailable. Realized my healthcare offered free mental health therapy. Within the first two sessions the therapist cut through my bullE36 M3, told me I was allowing my ex-wife to control this part of my life. I can see drastic changes with her coaching and finally sticking up for myself and not allowing her to get those wins. 

No disability or GI bill from the military. I wasn't in long enough. My shoulder was messed up before I enlisted and it's been messed up since I was discharged. I only mentioned it to illustrate my past failures. Not wallowing in self pity, just presenting pertinent information.  

In reply to The_Jed :

A childhood injury is a disappointment, not a failure. You couldn't have done anything about that.

Do give some thought to the home-based business idea. Again, not to replace a day job, but as a way to boost cash flow and especially as a tax write-off for business use of the home. You could end up with thousands in tax deductions even if you only make a few dollars in taxable profits.

You are not sucking at life.  Period.

In everyone's life, there are things that are self-induced, and things that aren't.  My big life suck right now is that I'm terrible at relationships because of some relationship traumas that I've endured.  I'm working on them with therapy, but I'm 51 and I'm convinced that I won't ever have a healthy partnership in my life.  So whose fault is that?  Both.  My ex was manipulative, emotionally abusive, and an all around decent human who was operating within what she thought was "right."  I was a wimpy, beaten, unaware wuss who should have found some dang bootstraps and used them to hog-tie her to a tree and walk away.

I have seen people being thrown a tankload of crap and they walk away saying "what a great day this was."  I have seen entitled, whiny people with first-world Karen problems who think that life has it in for them because they didn't get a good parking spot at the Mercedes dealership.

Sometimes life throws you a tank full of crap, and there is no amount of bootstraps that can fix it.  You had it hard growing up.  Way harder than me.  We didn't have money (dad was a teacher in a poor district and mom stayed home until we were old enough to survive on our own) so we never had luxuries.... but we had water, a woodstove, electricity, and we stayed afloat by being frugal.

Just know that it won't last forever.  Get through this shtstorm, prioritize what material things you need, and find what makes you happy.

My divorce was pretty clean.  She wasn't petty, she just bought out my half of the house and it was done.  I got lucky there.  I now make terrible money, but I know what makes me happy, and almost none of it requires big money. I have a tiny house with a small mortgage, mostly because my ex bought me out of our old house and I used a big chunk of it for a down payment.  If life goes belly-up for me, I'll sell the house, buy an RV, and hit the road.

One of the best things my friend advised me to do after my divorce was to make a list of things that make me happy.  It sounds cheezy, but it was really an eye opener.  I'm not saying to just look on the bright side, or turn a frown upside down, I'm just saying that it was cathartic to really write down on paper what made me happy.

In reply to Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) :

Very well put !

In reply to Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) :

I like that idea - kudos to you. 

Things that make me happy:

1. Cheap Datsun's
2. Pasta

I don't have any useful advice- but I do have a short story. 

2014 I packed anything of value in the back of a $400 Toyota, said goodbye to everything I knew and moved to Florida. Some of you remember that saga. Swmbo has just made it out of a E36 M3 relationship and was effectively sleeping on the floor. We pooled our resources and got a bed and a thrift couch and some cheap E36 M3 and lived in a sus apartment. 

Then the transmission in her E36 M3bag cobalt she'd bought at the bhph died. We didn't have the money to fix it, obviously. We knew what had happened but we'd never be able to prove it, to get someone else to pay. (They'd repoed the wrong car and the snag and drag lunched the forward gears) . We gambled on her credit still being ok and her DTI being low enough and bought the cheapest reliable car we could find, with the least amount of E36 M3 physically possible. Then we let the cobalt go to repo. We knew it would cost us. 

Slowly, things got better. I got a E36 M3ty job, got laid off and got a different E36 M3ty job. She gambles again and went back to school. Got a degree in... something and some certificates in something else. The Nissan trans E36 M3 the bed, but by this point we could afford the loan to fix it. That gets repaired. (The berkeley is it with transmissions? This is a stick car too!) We move into a slightly nicer apartment. Then, the payoff. We're AT wdw eating an overpriced plate of salmon and she gets the call. She's been promoted to assistant director of housekeeping at her resort. This comes with a fat raise and a healthy bonus at the end of the year. THEN they do COLA reracks and I about fall out of my chair when I see the numbers. Holy E36 M3. 

Covid hits, I have heart failure. I strongly reevaluate my life and promptly put 0% effort into a job that doesn't value me. Surprise surprise I get fired. Who the berkeley cares. We're moving and I won't be here anyhow. 

We finally put enough $$$ to rent a house. Not own, but it's the first time as an adult either of us has lived in a home that wasn't shared by other people or walls. It's just us. 

We've had other setbacks. I'm writing this in the middle of my second hurricane in two weeks. I'm staring down the barrel of shoulder surgery and some other (potentially permanent) neurological disability that no one can seem to figure out. The mighty Nissan got struck by lightning. Etc etc. but....

We've made it. She's on deck for another promotion. People keep paying me to make custom E36 M3 for them, even if it's just a couple bucks. We've gone on vacation every year for the last 4-5 years. We can afford to buy food at the nice grocery store. I even managed to lose a bunch of weight. 

Point is man, sometimes E36 M3 sucks and it keeps coming. I've read through this and other than the one guy, everyone seems like they're serious about backing you. I would argue I am about the worst at life physically possible, and if I can do it, anyone can. Sometimes it looks like packing everything you own in a 30 year old Toyota and setting off into the unknown with your last $1000 in your pocket, sometimes it looks like "I think the orange Lexus looks nicer than the blue one, but I really like the saddle interior on the green one". 

You can do it.