How Much Is Too Much?

As a way to deal with the grief, and feel like I am doing something, I have decided to try to write a bit about my father's GRM life.  

 My wife is doing her best to manage with the loss of both of her parents in such a short span.   He brother is bringing a realtor over later today to look at the house and tell us what we need to do to put it up for sale.   It's heartbreaker to hear her say it was her "home away from home", and Christmases won't ever be the same.   I will try to make our house a place where family can gather for the holidays.

I took my wife to her dad's favorite Ice Cream Parlor last night.   I'm trying to keep her occupied in the evenings.  That's when she spent time with her dad at the end, and the hardest time for her.   We have been getting email messages and posts on his guest book telling us about all of the lives he has changed.   It is all beautiful, but doesn't make us miss him any less.  We were told that he was personally responsible for over 200 Evans Scholars during his time, and several people have told us that he turned their lives around.   I'll be happy if I can learn from his legacy and merely be a better man for my wife and daughter.

Still working through things.   We need to tear out the carpeting in the house to help make it more attractive for sale, but for the most part it will be listed "As Is".  It is actually a very nice house from the late '50s with plaster instead of drywall, arched doorways and cove moldings, and doesn't need much updating, but the realtor explained that we likely wouldn't see much return on our investment if we spruced it up.   Taking out wall to wall carpeting to show the hardwoods is just "sweat equity", and pays off dividends to most buyers.   

Still waiting on the duplicate title to the Prius, unfortunately, and that has me a bit ticked off.   I explained how to get it transferred to my wife with a Power of Attorney, but apparently, my BiL decided he knew better, and applied for a lost title instead.  The Power of Attorney would have allowed us to have the title transferred directly to my wife, and we could have avoided all of these steps and waiting.   Now the plates are going to expire tomorrow, so we will have to stick the car in storage, and hope the title shows up, and then transfer it if and when it does so she can drive the car again.

Some good news, however.  My daughter really likes her therapist, and she is tirelessly advocating for my daughter, not only with my ex-wife, but also with the school.   This is huge, and when I picked up my daughter this morning, she was closer to her old self as I have seen in quite some time.   

It was half price day at the JY, and even though there was a money-maker waiting for me, I didn't want to drag her along with me if she didn't want to go, and certainly wasn't going to leave her at home.  She actually asked if I could take her if I could take her sometime after I mentioned the $5 shift knob that sold for $62 within two hours of listing it on eBay.  So off we went, and she loved it.   I showed her how to remove door panels (that will soon be listed for $300- I didn't tell her what they were worth until after she removed them), explained how the cooling system worked (with a V8 that I previously pulled the electric fans from) covered relays (with cooling fan relays), steering (rack and pinion and recirculating ball), and disc vs drum brakes (including how we would go about bleeding them)  It has been a wonderful morning.

I bet you could register the car under your FIL’s name still. Illegal? I mean, yeah, but about as illegal as jaywalking across a dead end road in the middle of nowhere. 

We would have to register it for the year ($101), only to use it for a week or two   And I don't even want to think about what would happen if she got into an accident.

Just an update.   

The house never sold last fall.  Never even got listed.  My wife's sister is refusing to move out.  She won't pay anything towards the house for maintenance, and we certainly don't have the money to keep paying the taxes and upkeep.  Our roof is about to collapse on our own house, and we can't afford to fix that.

My mother's dementia is to the point that she doesn't remember anyone, and she is fighting with my brother's Weimaraner, because the dog was never trained, never kept busy, and is now bored.   The dog has gone from stealing people's pillows to get a attention, and has figured out that taking important paperwork gets more of a response.   My mother will fight with the dog to try to get the paperwork from him, and he growls at her.    Trying to get my brother to control his dog, or at least keep the dog in his room with him resulted in a tantrum by him.

My dad hasn't seen a doctor in nearly a year, and doesn't have a GP anymore.   He thinks the urologist is scamming him somehow (the same one that I now use for dealing with my bladder cancer after getting rid of the one that kept giving me bladder infections and damaging my prostate during procedures, not to mention shutting down the office while I was still in the stirrups filled with numbing jelly) even though this new urologist has been perfectly fine.  

My father now looks like the survivors of a concentration camp.   I can't recognize him on the phone.  He doesn't have very much time left.  His wife doesn't remember him.  His friends are almost all dead.   I'm the only one who contacts him anymore, aside from my brother, who lives in the house and acts passive aggressive to both of my parents.   I tried to lift his spirits by asking on FB for messages to be sent to a gmail address I set up specifically for him.  I wanted him to know that he will be remembered.  Something along the lines of  "Thanks for the show"   I asked on my personal page and on an active AA/FA site of over 4,000 members that I admin.  

This is the response-

7 messages.   From asking a forum of nearly 5,000 members, and my own group of nearly 300 FB Friends.   (6 messages were from friends, and 1 was from a different group that one of those friends shared my message in)

There's a whole lot more that I am dealing with, but I won't get into complaining about my personal stuff right now.


Except to say this-
When my wife met me and fell in love with me, she gave me the book "The Giving Tree", and told me that I was the tree in the book.   I never fully understood it, but I understood it was why she loved me.

My whole life tried to work very hard, and to have empathy and lift those around me, whether I knew them or not.

My body has failed me in so many ways that I am not able to work anymore, and no one seems to care whether I try help out a tired lonely old man.  

At this point, I feel like the stump at the end of the story.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It's ok to rest. 

My wife is also a giver. Usually giving recharges but sometimes it doesn't. Rest.

There isn't any time to rest.

If my dad dies, he dies alone.   Everything goes to probate.   We don't have any money to take care of my mother, and she needs help now.    I couldn't even afford to bury him at this point.

E36 M3, I don't know what to say.

I can give the standard platitudes about taking it one step at a time, or just take little bites but.....it doesn't seem like much really.

So I'll say this: I really genuinely hope it gets better against all odds. Happy thoughts sent your way

In reply to Antihero (Forum Supporter) :

Same. Not sure what to say to help, but hopefully just getting it off your chest to sympathetic ears helps. Hang in there.... this too shall pass. 

I have no sage advice. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with this level of distress and I hope it turns for the better soon. 

Cooter said:

There isn't any time to rest.

If my dad dies, he dies alone.   Everything goes to probate.   We don't have any money to take care of my mother, and she needs help now.    I couldn't even afford to bury him at this point.

Cooter, if you have a Paypal account, put it up and I'll toss you $20.  You need it a lot more than I do.

stroker said:

Cooter said:

There isn't any time to rest.

If my dad dies, he dies alone.   Everything goes to probate.   We don't have any money to take care of my mother, and she needs help now.    I couldn't even afford to bury him at this point.

Cooter, if you have a Paypal account, put it up and I'll toss you $20.  You need it a lot more than I do.

 

same.  and i think you've still got my number.  if not, it's seven34-six34-six5sixsix

You let me know what I can do to help and I'll try my hardest.  Just remember you have a great support group here.

I will sell off everything I have before I start taking money.   It's just not who I am.   I appreciate the sentiment, however.  I have plenty of stuff to sell.

I just need to talk to someone.   I am being crushed by all of this.    I used to have car friends that I did things with.   And friends I did things with.   There are reasons that doesn't happen anymore.     Some moved away, and some that I have left tend to use me and drain my energy.

I'm not sure if I have just run out of strength to deal with it, or I have just become too sensitive.



I feel like I am oversharing here.   But I am not sure what is the right thing to do.

You're only oversharing if it bothers you.  We're fine with listening to anything - it's not a bother in any way and we're happy to do whatever we can.