I'm looking for any input here that people may have. I probably won't be responding with any "That is a great idea" or "This won't work because", but will answer questions related to the situation for more clarification. Basically just asking "What would you do", or "what did you do" in similar situations if you've ever been there. No right or wrong answers.
Background
My in laws are 58 years old. My Mother in law has MS. She is not doing well overall.
My wife goes over every weekday morning at 6AM to wake her mom up, help her shower, get dressed, and get down the stairs. My wife or I make MIL’s breakfast (toast) and coffee. This allows my FIL a little extra rest and a little less stress. I honestly think that if we hadn’t moved to the same town as them when we did (September), my FIL would have died by now of a heart attack. As it is, his health has improved dramatically basically as a direct result of my wife and I moving to their neighborhood.)
MIL still drives, but as little as possible—basically it ends up being about 2 times a week, if that. I drive her into work every day, and I drive her home most days—usually 4 days a week. My wife, FIL, and to a lesser extent, BIL take her most every other place to minimize her driving. She really shouldn’t be driving at all.
My inlaws currently rely on MIL’s income. She needs to make it to February. We’re not sure the specific date, but in any case, she needs to keep working until a certain date in February. Then she can go on disability, and then when it runs out she can retire with full benefits and a full (or full enough) pension. It is really not an option at all to not work past February; the only way I can possibly make it out that it would work is if they divorced and my FIL ended up with most of the assets. Otherwise they’d be bankrupted within short order.
As mentioned above, I drive my MIL to work every day, and drive her home 4 days a week. This involves me leaving my house at 6:45, driving an hour of stop and go, getting MIL’s scooter out of the car and putting the seat in. Then I get in an uber for $2.50, and in 10-25 minutes, I’m at work. From when I leave my door to when I get to my desk is about 2 hours. On the return trip, it is a 15-20 minute rapid transit ride, then putting her scooter in the car, as well as helping her into the car if she’s not doing well, followed by another hour of stop and go. I leave my desk at 5PM, I’m home between 6:15 and 6:45.
End of background
My wife and I cannot keep doing this forever. While I truly am happy to help and it isn’t a big imposition for me to drive every day, it does take out a large chunk of my day. My commute without this would be about 45 minutes door to desk, and that would be mostly productive on a commuter train. My wife doesn’t need to get her mom ready every day early in the morning; it would be much easier for her to go over and check on her after work.
To make this matter harder, my MIL loves to work. I really do think it is what gets her out of bed every day as the rest of her hobbies have been taken away (or more accurately, she failed to adapt her hobbies to her situation). There is not really an option closer to home, and as far as I know, working from home isn’t possible either (it was tried in the past and failed).
Additionally, they live in a 2 story house. I’ve heard rumblings of them putting in a stair lift, but that will only be a temporary solution at best—soon, she won’t be able to go from wheelchair to lift to wheelchair at the top of the stairs (she currently walks around the house with a cane). How do we tell them that the need an elevator—or better yet, move to a condo or a ranch house? Ideally they’d sell their house (~$600k) and buy a ranch (~$350k) and outfit it to make it handicap friendly (~$50k to $200k depending on things).
My wife wanted to tell them that after February, I’m done driving her. I don’t want to do that, because I’ll keep driving her for as long as I need to, even if it is 2 years. But I do want to know the answers to these questions, and I do think it is our business.
My wife and I are discussing it, but I want outside opinions. I think we’re going to sit down with them and tell them that we need to know:
- When will you “retire”
- When are you going to move? (And tell them that a stair lift won’t be good enough, and be firm with the reason why—elevator, or move)
- When are you going to give up your license?
- We (mtn and Mrs. mtn) can’t do this longer than June (a bluff, but really, we don’t want to do it longer than February). What are your plans then?
- When are you going to get a wheelchair van? Before or after you’re in one? (she currently can get in and out of a car, but frequently needs help with both)
They’re afraid of change. My MIL hates vans. My FIL doesn’t want to leave the neighborhood. They’ll fight us and tell us we don’t need to worry about it. But we do. How do we keep it civil? How do we tell them that they can’t stay in their house? And keep in mind, these people are only 58.
Anybody ever have any advice, anecdotes, or ideas?