I need a joke...

So these two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says "Oh man, I think I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

So this neutron walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey, how much for a drink?"
The bartender replied "For you, there is no charge."

So this duck walks into a drugstore and says to the guy behind the counter, "Gimme some lipstick and put it on my bill!"

So this baby seal walks into a club...

How is Tiger Woods like a baby seal?

They both get clubbed by Scandanavians.

(I'm so sorry)

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything". .

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.

.

. .

So he does. The monk give him a $10, the vendor gives him the hot dog. The monk says "What about my change?", the vendor replies "Change comes from within, you should know that."

off mgexperience .net

A guy walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks,'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'The guy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically. 'The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The guy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful is something that's against the law, illegal (ill eagle) is a sick bird!

That one doesn't work so well in print.

Here's a long-ish one (actually, you could convert this to be about the sort of group of folks you're telling it to):

So an engineer [or insert occupation of the audience] dies and goes to hell. He doesn't care for the place and asks the devil if he can make some improvements. So he does and actually gets the place shaping up rather nicely.

God comes down and asks the devil what's with the turn-around.

"Oh, it's the engineer we've got down here," the devil says. "He's really been cleaning the place up."

"What? That's not right," God says. "I won't allow it. This place is supposed to be miserable. I'm taking him away. I'll sue you for him, if I have to!"

"Oh yeah?" The devil responds. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Does a lion cheat?

No, but a Tiger Wood.

What's green and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun with a spear through her head.

Sorry, that's the closest thing I've got to PG.

What is Brown and Sticky?

A Stick!

Shamelessly pilfered from reddit, and NOT short but funny:

An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: A Bible A silver dollar A bottle of whiskey A Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the Door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old Preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

Three engineers and three sales people get in a train. The salesmen notice the engineers only bought one ticket. They ask how the three are going to ride on one ticket. One engineer say "Watch us". They board the train and the engineers get in the bathroom. When the conductor comes by they hand out the ticket and he keeps going.

On the return trip the salesmen buy one ticket and the engineers don't buy one. When the salesmen again asks why they say don't worry. Right after the salesmen pile into the bathroom one of the engineers knocks on the door and says "Ticket", and they hand their ticket to the engineer.

A priest and lawyer have a head on collision on a dark country road. Both cars are destroyed but miraculously they are unhurt. The priest is overjoyed and thankful to god that they are ok. The lawyer says "Look, my wine didn't even break. Let's celebrate with a toast. The priest has a sip and says to the lawyer " aren't you going to join me?" The lawyer replies "No thanks, I'll wait for the police to come first"

I know a girl with one leg shorter than the other...her name is Ilene

Then theres this guy with no legs hanging on the side of a mountain...his name is Cliff

Badum pishhhh!

(Im so sorry)

These two only really work in real life; Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? (work ahead of time on your pronounciation) A: "fsh"

Followed up with; Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? (Shrug your shoulders like you don't know and slur the answer) A: no idear...

Q: Whats the difference between a worn out gun and a constipated owl? A: One shoots but can't hit...

and slightly leaving the PG rating depending on audience... Q: Whats the difference between a Three Ring Circus and a Line of high kicking Rockette's? A: One is a cunning array of stunts...

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs...

at your front door? Mat

In a pool? Bob

hanging on a wall? Art

in a pile of leaves? Russell

Why did the bubble gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot.

porksboy wrote: What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs... at your front door? Mat In a pool? Bob hanging on a wall? Art in a pile of leaves? Russell

In a hole? Phil.

Keith wrote:

porksboy wrote: What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs... at your front door? Mat In a pool? Bob hanging on a wall? Art in a pile of leaves? Russell

In a hole? Phil.

Waterskiing? Skip

There once was a man from Nantuckett ....

Whadda you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer?

A fookin' know it all.

Chelsea was asked by Hilary before the marriage if she and Mark had been having sex.... after thinking about it a bit she answered .." not according to Dad"

n Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball on the tee, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!"

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and Says, "Well, fer the love 'O Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.

Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?"

The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, E36 M3 on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.

What's green and skates?

Peggy Flem.