Joke of the day

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers’ lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ' And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: ' And her, ..... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.

He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Now why do they call them the golden years?

Q: How did the Pirate do at golf?
A: Parrrrr

carguy123 wrote: Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car." Now why do they call them the golden years?

that doesn't sound like a joke so much as a personal experience ... sounds exactly like something I'd do ... assuming for a moment that there was a "honey" to call

Anything that hits home doesn't feel like a joke.

Middle aged couple get married after losing touch with each other over the years and had rediscovered each other. After the ceremony the new wife asks "Well, where are you taking me for our honeymoon?" He responded "Viagra Falls".

An Irish lad goes to confession one day.

"Bless me Father, fer I have sinned," he tells the priest. "It has been two weeks since me last confession."

"What de ye have to tell the lord, me son?" the priest asks.

"Well father, I have been lustful. I have done sinful things with a girl."

"And who was the young lass ye did these things with, me son?"

"I cannae tell ye that father," the young man replies.

"Were it Mary McCarthy?" the priest asks.

"No father, it weren't Mary McCarthy."

"Were it Ilene Brannaugh?"

"No father, it weren't Ilene Brannaugh."

"Were it Mary Callahan?"

"No father, it weren't Mary Callahan."

"Will ye not say how the young woman was, me son?"

"No father, I told ye, I can not say who it was."

"Alright right then my son," the priest says. "Say five 'Hail Mary's' and make yer peace with the lord."

"Thank ye, father."

The young man goes to the front of the church, says his five 'Hail Mary's', and goes back outside where his friends are waiting for him.

"What did the old father give you, Jimmy?" one of the other boys asked.

"Well, he gave me five 'Hail Mary's'," you young man replies, "but he gave me three good names."

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen,' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell,' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 118mph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness,' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

"How To Stop A Church Gossip"

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... .and left it there all night. (You gotta love Frank!)

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"E36 M3 Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." "So here I am"

wbjones wrote:

carguy123 wrote: Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car." Now why do they call them the golden years?

that doesn't sound like a joke so much as a personal experience ... sounds exactly like something I'd do ... assuming for a moment that there was a "honey" to call

I did something similar. Managed to grab both sets of cars keys to our only working car, hop on the bus, go to work an hour away.

30 minutes before she's due for work at the Hospital, I get a call about where her keys are. Since she hardly ever leaves the keys in the same place, I proceeded to help provide suggestions where they might be.

Finally, we reach the conclusion that the set that I grabbed on my way out the door are the set she's missing. Sure enough they are in my coat pocket and a check of my bag reveals another set. F. M. L.

So I don't touch her keys anymore and I'm working really hard to get a second car running reliably again.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Three ministers and their wives were on a trip with their wives in a Winnebago and were in a horrible accident, all 6 perished.

They all arrived at the Pearly Gates and were greeted by St. Peter.

Pete says to the first guy, 'There's a problem with you getting in.' The guy says 'What's the problem?' and Pete says, 'You lusted after alcohol all your life. You never drank it, but lusting is just as bad. You lusted so badly that you married a woman named Sherry.'

To the second guy, Pete said, 'You lusted after money so you married a woman named Penny. No heaven for you.'

The third guy turned to his wife and said 'Fanny, we may as well leave now.'

A long time married couple was watching TV.

The husband had the remote and kept switching between a porn channel and a fishing channel.

The wife became totally annoyed and shouted:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.

You know how to fish!"

In reply to pilotbraden:

That's the best one I've seen in a while.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold ?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!'

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer...'

This fella goes hunting with a varmint gun and comes across a bear. The guy gets scared and shoots the bear, who of course shrugs it off. The bear then grabs the hunter and berkeleys him.

The guy runs back to the nearest town and gets a 30.06, goes back to the woods again. He shoots the bear again as soon as he sees it. The bear shrugs it off, grabs the guy and berkeleys him again.

By now the guy is REALLY P.O'ed. He goes back to town, gets an M16 and heads back to the woods. When he sees the bear again he empties an entire clip into him.

The bear looks at him and says, 'You aren't out here to hunt, are you?'

Q: Why did the Dead Baby cross the road?

A: Because it was stapled to the chicken!

hyuck hyuck hyuck

sorry. lol