Joke of the day

The four Goldberg brothers: Lowell, Norman, Hiram and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man, Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
There was no way Henry going to put the Goldberg's' name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and, finally, agreed on $4 million and that, just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show – Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

He reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, he just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

A young rake picks up a girl in a bar; they go off in his car. A mile from town he stops and says 'put out or get out'. She walks back to town. A few days later, they meet up again, this time they go 3 miles out of town, he says 'put out or get out' and she walks back to town.

The next week he meets up with her again, this time they go 5 miles out of town. He says 'put out or get out' and this time she complies.

Afterward, he says 'I'm curious, why was it OK this time?' and she answers 'There is no way I was going to walk 5 miles to save anyone from an STD'.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kickup your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A young guy's friend sets him up for a blind date.

When he shows up at the house, the girl's Father brings her out in a wheel chair. He is a perfect gentleman, introduces himself, helps the girl into the car, all the while silently cursing his buddy.

While he's loading the wheelchair in the trunk, the father pulls him close and says quietly, "I need you to promise me that you'll be a perfect gentleman and have my daughter back by midnight" and slips the kid a hundred dollar bill. "No problem" the kid says.

On the way to the dinner, the girl says "Why don't we skip all the pleasantries. Drive me out to the woods and berkeley me!"

The guy freaks and says "Uhhhh. Maybe later."

"It's because of the damned wheelchair, isn't it?" The guy apologizes and explains that's not it at all, that she's a very nice girl, etc., and he promised her father that he'd be a gentleman.

After dinner, the girl thanks him and says, "Now I want you to take me out to the woods and berkeley me!" The guy goes through the same routine and they head to the movies.

After the movies, they're headed home, and the girl says "Pull down this dirt road here, take me out in the woods and berkeley me!"

"FINE," the guy says, pulls down a dark dirt road that goes to a clearing, and shuts the car off. They make out for a few minutes and the guy kind of fumbles around for a minute trying to figure out the mechanics of the whole thing, when the girl passionately shouts "TIE ME TO THAT TREE OVER THERE AND berkeley MY BRAINS OUT!"

The guy obliges, and the sex is incredible. When they're done, he takes her home.

It's 2:30 in the morning, and despite his best efforts of getting her out of the car quietly, the lights in the house come on, and the father storms out to find his daughter, clothes dirty, hands chafed from being bound, scratched, bruised and generally a mess.

As he's unloading the wheelchair the guy, trembling, says "Sir I'm so sorr..."

"Shut up," the father says, reaches in his wallet and hands the kid ANOTHER hundred dollar bill.

The kid, dumbfounded, says "Um. Sir? What's this for?"

The father turns and says "Most guys just leave her tied to the tree!"

Boudreau buys Clarice a new automatic Jaguar XF “She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she calls the Jaguar dealers. They send out Thibodeau, their best technician to check it out. Thibodeau checks the car and can’t find nothing wrong with it. So he axe Clarice: “Are you sho you be using the rat gears, you?” Clarice is mad now, yeh’: “You Fool, you idiot, how on earth you could axe me such a question? I might be a blonde but I ain’t dumb you know! Of course a’m using the rat gears; I use dat D during the day and dat N during the night.”

Oh jeez, dead baby jokes!

Q: how do you make a dead baby shake?

A: 2 scoops ice cream, 1 scoop dead baby

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

1. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

2. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' (

3. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter, and she shouts upstairs,

"Mom! You still awake?"

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "...thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is STERNUM."

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn." Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother!

Just heard this on Comedy Central, laughed so hard I scared the cat.

"This is terrible, Beijing, China, a schoolhouse burnt down. Killed 25 kids.

Awful...

The worst part of it is, they all got out of the building OK, but they just ran around it and darted back inside."

-Ryan Stout

A pregnant woman is telling her husband there is no way he can know the pain of childbirth. He of course scoffs and jeers, making fun of her.

So the wife becomes quite angry and secretly hires a witch to put a spell on her which will transfer the pain of childbirth from her to the father.

Comes the big day, she and her husband go to the hospital; she is secretly gleeful that she will really get the point across to him.

While she is in the throes of labor, she feels nothing. It's working! About that time, her husband walks in to see how things are going, he's doing just fine and he's holding a cell phone.

She says 'Don't you feel anything?' and he says 'No, I feel fine'. She says 'Why are you holding the cell phone?' and he says, 'The neighbors called, they say the mailman is rolling around on our front porch and screaming.'

A bikers were riding down the interstate when they saw a girl about to jump off the a Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

^^THAT was funny!!

Puzzled.....

I woke up this morning and went to the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself ,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

DON'T TELL ME FACEBOOK IS EVIL!

Late at night as I was waiting on a video to upload I used Facebook as a scratch pad to write down some deep thoughts I was having.

I don't trust people who run for "fun"

Whoever said "The freaks come out at night" has never been to Walmart during the day.

Everyon has had that awkward moment when you say something that sounds exactly like your parents.

A saying for my oldest daughter - The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing!

Want to freak your neighbors out? Rename your Wifi to FBI surveillance.

Scuba diving and seeing a shark was great. It only became scary after the shark disappeared.

Greatest voice mail message "Hang up the phone & text me."

I won't tell you how I discovered this, but I'm sure it's one of life's greatest lessons. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube it's hard to put back in. As a Dad I'm supposed to think of some way to use this as an example to help my kids or grandkids out of a jam, but at this time of night when I think of jam I think of strawberry.

But a good life's lesson to learn is that sometimes you have to burn some bridges - to keep the crazies from following you.

My daughters are lobbying for a "DID THIS" button on Pinterest that plays loud applause when you click it.

Confession! I've changed my entire message several times because I didn't know how to spell a word. Am I alone in this?

BTW the easiest way to check is to Google your best spelling of the word. But sometimes even that is too much effort.

I'm easy. I get happy when I twist an Oreo apart and find the cream is perfect on one side and the other is clean.

Here's a scary thought. You know that everyone has that one annoying friend. If you don't have one are you that person?

Hmmmm...what hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald person?

I have a friend who is an exercise nut and is always posting about all the classes she's just taken. Ever seen Music Man? He promotes the "think" method of learning to play an instrument and at the end of the show, they can. That's how I do my exercise anymore.

Ever had that awkward moment when the Zombies are out looking for brains and they can't find you? Should you be insulted?

It's never happened to me you understand, but isn't it horrible to lean over in your chair or enter a meeting, room full of people, your new in-laws, pastor or whatever and then fart for 3 minutes straight? I've heard that can be embarrassing. No more dried baby lima beans for me!

Along those same lines why is that when you are running late is the time your body decides you have to take a dump?

Working in a fudge or candy factory would be hard, but I'm betting that after eating the first ton or so of candy I could control myself, but that's nothing to the self control it would take to work in a bubble wrap factory!!!

As we get close to bedtime I wonder if you've had that amazing feeling of waking up in the morning with tons of energy and excitement to start the day? Me neither.

I'll leave you with this thought. Trust me, as you get to know me I just get weirder.

Here's my worry at the moment. I'm tired & sleepy but I'm worried that as soon as my head hits the pillow my body will say "JUST KIDDING!"

A few more:

Do you ever turn around and give the floor a dirty look when you've tripped over something?

Now be honest, if people could hear what you're thinking you'd be in a mental hospital.

Parents, rather than making a better world for your children, how about making better children for your world?

Blow your kids minds! Tell them you are older than the internet & computers! Whoa, I'd have to stop there because in my case the list is so long no one would believe me.

Was the Wizard of Oz the ultimate chick flick? Think on it, 2 girls were trying to kill each other over a pair of shoes!

In all the stories where you get 3 wishes from a Genie they don't let you wish for more wishes. I've solved that problem. If I ever find myself confronted with a Genie I'm going to wish for more Genies!

If a red head works in a bakery does that make him a Ginger Bread Man?

Are colors the same for everyone? What if my red is your green? Maybe everyone likes the same color, but they just call it another name. That might explain some of those hideous car colors.

I have trouble with this. When you are at the movie, which armrest is yours?

So if tomatoes are really a fruit and not a vegetable does that make Ketchup a smoothie?

Let's be topical. How come the reporters are always telling you not to go outside when they are standing in a storm and holding electrical equipment?

If you saw an Apple store being robbed are you an iWitness?

Words of Wisdom. Never play a prank on someone who is more creative than you or has time on their hands.

Think of how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!

No matter what you do now, how much money you have, how cool you are or how sexy she looks, at one time everyone thought making fart noises with your armpit was funny

If you learned everything you know about relationships from romantic movies it's no wonder you're still single.

Every time you see a funny light in the sky do you immediately think it's a spaceship full of aliens?

If I go to the restaurant to pick up my pizza do they have to give me a tip?

Dang that Aztec calendar thing is going to ruin Christmas this year! Can we have it early?

They say you should give 100%, but I don't think that applies to giving blood.

I tried to donate blood today, but they had too many questions about where I got it.

Have you ever wondered why Friday is so far from Monday, but how come Friday is so close to Monday?

Every time I see someone with a cute little baby I remind myself how awesome it is to be able to sleep the whole night through.

Coming off of Halloween and all the candy I have to wonder who thought a 1" bar of candy was a fun size. I think they need to reevaluate their entertainment standards. For me fun sized is measured in pounds.

Do you ever scroll down through Facebook and think "don't care"...."don't care"......"you should get a job or a life"........"it sucks to be you"......."you need therapy"?

I think I'll end this tirade with "I believe that weird is just a side effect of being awesome!"

Most people seem pretty normal until you get to know them.

Husband takes the wife to a night club.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

A woman gets a parrot from the pet shot. The shop owner assures her it's a great talker. So, she get's it home and the next day she discovers sure enough, the bird talks. The problem is, it only knows the worst words imaginable So, after a few days she just can't take it anymore and calls the vet looking for help. The vet says "the next time he cusses, just stick him in the freezer for 10 minutes. It won't take much of that before he get's the message."
A while later polly drops the F bomb. Disgusted, she grabs the bird and pops him in the freezer and watches the clock. After a long 10 minutes she opens the freezer. Right away, the bird steps to the front of the freezer and says "I'm terribly sorry for my foul language. I hope it didn't cause you too much consternation. I promise that you will never hear an untoward word from me again. BTW, what did the chicken do?"

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

At the National Art Gallery , in Dublin Ireland , a Canadian couple were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said,Would you like to know what the painting is really about?

Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the husband.

Because Im the guy who painted it. he replied.

In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. Theyre just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."