Joke of the day

Okay, so there's this bus full of ugly people.

I don't know why it was full of ugly people, and only ugly people, but it was; not a single person on the bus had ever had anyone attracted to them.

So, the bus is just going along, and the driver berkeleys up or something, and runs head on into an oncoming truck.

Everyone dies, and goes up to meet their maker.

Well, God feels sorry for them all, and decides to grant them each one wish before they enter paradise.

So they're in a big line in front of the gates, and he asks the first one what their wish is.

After thinking a few seconds, she says: "I want to be gorgeous."

Now the next person hears this, and starts freaking out. He thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and wishes to be handsome.

This continues on, everyone wishing to be beautiful/stud-like/etcetera, until the line is about half gone.

Then the guy at the end starts berkeleying up, laughing his ass off, and God casts an eye at him, thinking: "What the hell?", but does nothing about it, and lets the same wish continue on.

Now, when there's about 10 left, the guy is going NUTS. He's rolling around on the clouds laughing as hard as possible, and God is just wondering what the hell is up.

So he finally gets to the guy, and asks what his wish is.

The guy calms down, stands up, and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

A boy goes to visit his Grandparents for a week.

The boy and his Grandpa are sitting on the porch one lazy afternoon, when grandpa pulls out his flask and pours a glass full of whiskey. He lets out a contented "Mmmm" after the first sip, at which point the boy says "Gee grandpa, that looks delicious. May I have a sip?"

The Grandpa leans in out of Grandma's earshot and says "I dunno. Can you touch your shiny happy person with your weiner?"

"No" says the kid. "Well then you're not old enough" says Grandpa.

A few minutes later, Grandpa lights a cigar and takes a big, satisfying puff.

"Gee, that sure looks good!" says the boy. "May I have a puff?"

"I dunno." says Gramps. "Can you touch your shiny happy person with your weiner?"

"No." said the boy. "Then you're not old enough."

A little while later, Grandma brings a big plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and hands them to the kid, saying "There you are darling."

The kid smiles and takes a big bite. Grandpa says "How bout one of those for Grandpa, eh boy?"

"I dunno Grandpa. Can you touch your shiny happy person with your weiner?"

"Why yes I can!" Grandpa says sharply.

"GREAT! Then go F*ck yourself! Grandma made these cookies for ME!"

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't! "

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this berkeleying badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR berkeleyING BADGE!"

Drive Thru - Invisible Driver

Now this is funny.

I'm thinking he only goes to McD's because the dumbest people work there, but regardless it's funny.

And he has a couple more.

The Static Electricity one is cool too! But I like the Bug in the Drive Thru better.

Why did the papparazzo cross the road?

...To get what was coming to him.

carguy123 wrote: Drive Thru - Invisible Driver Now this is funny. I'm thinking he only goes to McD's because the dumbest people work there, but regardless it's funny. And he has a couple more. The Static Electricity one is cool too! But I like the Bug in the Drive Thru better.

Dude, that was really good. I laughed harder than I have in a long time. I really liked the guy that just kept opening and closing the drive-through window. Like he was stuck in a loop.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

and in line with this one ...

Man walks into a bar- FURIOUS. He's carrying a loaded gun. He steps to the middle of the room and shouts "Alright, which one of you dead motherberkeleyers had sex with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar "You don't have enough bullets, buddy".

"Let's eat Grandma!"

"Let's eat, Grandma!"

Punctuation saves lives.

I'll bet it doesn't get used much.

http://www.quickmeme.com/Lame-Pun-Coon/

http://www.quickmeme.com/Bad-Joke-Eel/

I'm trying not to laugh too hard at work.

Capitalization is the difference between

"I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse."

and

"I helped my uncle jack off a horse."

JohnInKansas wrote: Capitalization is the difference between "I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse." and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."

But this is just the internet so I don't have to capitalize or use punctuation. It doesn't really matter you grammar Nazi you!!!!

Words to recite to yourself in the mirror to make you feel better: "No matter what you're doing with your life, you have just as many Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong."

Hunter decides to go bear hunting in Alaska. He's sitting out on the tundra one day when he spies a big grizzly foraging. He takes aim, fires, and suddenly the bear is just GONE. He cautiously begins to look around for the bear, when he suddenly feels a tap on his shoulder. Turns around, there's the bear, which proceeds to speak.

"I guess you're new around these parts, but we don't take kindly to bear hunters. You're not going to like the punishment, either. Turn around, drop your drawers, and bend over."

Afterwards, the hunter is crying with humiliation and swears revenge on the bear. He goes home, studies bear hunting with Ted Nugent, buys a new rifle, and next bear season he goes right back to where he had been the year before. He tracks down the same bear, gets into position, aims, fires, and the bear is gone again. Sure enough, here comes the tap on the shoulder.

"I guess you didn't learn your lesson the first time. Bend over."

Now the hunter is even angrier. He goes back home, buys another new custom made hunting rifle guaranteed to have the accuracy and stopping power he needs. Spends the entire year apprenticing with hunting guides who have hunted bear their whole lives. Spends a month sleeping in the open on the tundra to acclimate himself to the bear's environment. Finally, he tracks the bear down again, sneaks up to within 10 yards of him, and fires.

Bear's gone. Hunter slumps in defeat when suddenly the bear's voice comes from behind him.

"Buddy, you're not here for the hunting, are you?"

NOT A JOKE!

My 5 year old just did this, via my wife's Facebook post.

"Ugh!!! If this child makes it through the day.. He just POINTED (which, he knows is bad, if it's at a person) at a particularly obese woman in a bright green coat in the doc's office and said (loudly), "Mom, check her OUT!" Me: "Who? The little girl in pink Hello Kitty stuff?" Son: "No, the woman dressed as The Hulk! She's huge!" This child... Is now in deep E36 M3. And I'm getting glared at."

Flight Service wrote: NOT A JOKE! My 5 year old just did this, via my wife's Facebook post. "Ugh!!! If this child makes it through the day.. He just POINTED (which, he knows is bad, if it's at a person) at a particularly obese woman in a bright green coat in the doc's office and said (loudly), "Mom, check her OUT!" Me: "Who? The little girl in pink Hello Kitty stuff?" Son: "No, the woman dressed as The Hulk! She's huge!" This child... Is now in deep E36 M3. And I'm getting glared at."

hahaha! When my youngest was somewhere around 6 we were in the john at the movies at this 5' tall guy who was equally as wide came in all huffing and sweating... I'm at about shake number two at the moment and the boy is washing his hands and I hear "DADDY! DADDY! Look at the big fat belly" followed by little kid giggles and "Hahahahahaha! Look at it!". Aside from being mortified and having to apologize to someone who was obviously not amused... I had to do the whole thing w/o laughing myself. That was the hardest part.

My ex's sister is, well, somewhat slow. That meant she did not have an enormous amount of self control when she was younger. The story went that her mom and all 3 kids were in a checkout line somewhere, a black guy was in the next line. Sis looks at him all wide eyed, then announces at the top of her lungs 'MOM!! LOOK AT THE CHOCOLATE MAN!!!' The guy cracked up laughing.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "berkeley him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

The following questions were set in last year's examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby Asian answer!

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

3 Old Guys

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

http://www.27bslash6.com/arguments.html

"Things Holly and I have argued about this week. Last Friday, while Holly and I were having drinks with another couple, Holly stated that she and I never argue. "That's not true," I said, "We argue every day." "Don't lie," Holly responded, "that's not arguing, that's just you being a dickhead." As such, I decided to write down every argument that Holly and I have this week to prove, contrary to Holly's statement, I actually show an impressive degree of patience, self restraint and logic when presented with the exact opposite."

"Nacho Soup Holly cannot cook. She is capable of the process of cooking, but Holly cannot cook in the same way that an octopus cannot ride a bike; it has enough arms to reach the pedals and handlebars but the result will rarely be a successful journey from A to B. I once looked over Holly's shoulder to discover her crumbling Alka-Seltzer tablets into a meal she was preparing because "they are salty and we ran out of salt." Saturday evening, Holly stated that she was making nachos for dinner so I was surprised to be presented with a bowl and spoon an hour later. "What's this? I asked. "The nachos were a bit runny so I added a few cups of water. It's nacho soup," she replied. "Is there even such a thing?" I asked. "And what are these bits in it?" "They're the chips," Holly replied defensively as she sipped a spoon of Nachos and made a long "mmmmmm" noise. "I put it all in the blender so there shouldn't be any big bits." "I'm ringing for pizza," I said. "Typical," replied Holly, "you never appreciate anything I do." "That's not true" I responded, "I appreciate everything you do but if I ordered a hamburger at McDonald's and they handed it to me in a cup with a straw saying 'Sorry, it was a bit runny so we threw it in the blender and added two cups of water, it's Big Mac soup', I would assume the restaurant was entirely staffed through some kind of special needs employment initiative. If they asked me, "Do you want fries with that?" I sure as berkeley wouldn't reply, 'Yes, mix them in.'" "It would probably be quite good," responded Holly, "but you would never know because you are too much of an shiny happy person to taste it. Even if the guy at McDonalds spent an hour in the kitchen making it for you and burnt his thumb on a saucepan." "Fine," I relented, taking a scoop and raising it to my mouth, "I'll taste it." Sipping at the brown and yellow puree, I felt an intense burning sensation not unlike having a mouth full of red ants. I swallowed with effort as my eyes began to water and said, "It's a bit spicy." "Yes," said Holly, "We were out of Cumin so I used Curry instead. It's like an Indian version of Nacho soup."

In reply to carguy123:

That was great!