Toyman01 wrote: In reply to carguy123: That was great!
Well if you aren't that 80 year old man. 
Toyman01 wrote: In reply to carguy123: That was great!
Well if you aren't that 80 year old man.
I was in St. Pete's Beach, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Flint, Michigan."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Better than a Flu
Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Subject: Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
And here we go...
And the Number One reason why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
Why does it take longer to get from 2nd to 3rd then any other base?
Because there is a "Short Stop" on the way!
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Wisconsin. He said that since early this morning, the snow was nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
FSP_ZX2 wrote: Okay, so there's this bus full of ugly people. I don't know why it was full of ugly people, and only ugly people, but it was; not a single person on the bus had ever had anyone attracted to them. So, the bus is just going along, and the driver berkeleys up or something, and runs head on into an oncoming truck. Everyone dies, and goes up to meet their maker. Well, God feels sorry for them all, and decides to grant them each one wish before they enter paradise. So they're in a big line in front of the gates, and he asks the first one what their wish is. After thinking a few seconds, she says: "I want to be gorgeous." Now the next person hears this, and starts freaking out. He thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and wishes to be handsome. This continues on, everyone wishing to be beautiful/stud-like/etcetera, until the line is about half gone. Then the guy at the end starts berkeleying up, laughing his ass off, and God casts an eye at him, thinking: "What the hell?", but does nothing about it, and lets the same wish continue on. Now, when there's about 10 left, the guy is going NUTS. He's rolling around on the clouds laughing as hard as possible, and God is just wondering what the hell is up. So he finally gets to the guy, and asks what his wish is. The guy calms down, stands up, and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
Just FYI, this is pretty much my favorite joke to tell right now, and gets big laughs from anyone like myself (slightly evil)
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and when asked where he was going at that time of night.....
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
poopshovel wrote: Just FYI, this is pretty much my favorite joke to tell right now, and gets big laughs from anyone like myself (slightly evil)
I got a big laugh too!
...my wife did not.
IRS audits a hospital
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO.
"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and once a year about this time they send us a complete prick.
A state trooper pulls over a very beautiful woman on the interstate. She rolls down the window. The trooper asked her if she knew why he stopped her. She replied " I hope that it was to buy tickets for the policemen's ball". He replied, " State troopers don't have balls". Realizing what he had said he walked back to his cruiser and left.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
^Very good!^
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
this may be a repost ... ( if so ... sorry )
Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find dad staring at him every time. ;
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one,
and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says: "What the he!! do you want?"
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "US Air"
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself in his Dress Blues at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of voluptuous young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be in a very serious mood.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955!? Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!!"
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
I guess there are occasionally advantages to using "Military Time"!!!
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Just saw on CNN that security alerts around the globe are elevated.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Yesterday my son again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be his favorite topic of conversation. He was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach him a lesson about staying out of my business. I told him that I had joined a parachute club.
He said, "Are you nuts? You 're 66 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed him that I even got a membership card.
He said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told him.
He fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
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