Joke of the day

An 80-year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at the great shape the old fellow was in and asked, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I am Scots and I’m a golfer,” said the old fellow, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee nip of whiskey on each hole, and that’s it.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”
“Who said my dad died?”
The doctor was amazed. “You mean you are 80 years old and your dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s a 100 years old,” said the old Scottish golfer. “In fact he golfed wi’ me this mornin’… And then we went to the topless beach for a walk, and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Scot and a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor said, “that’s great, but I am sure there’s more to it than that. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandad is dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asked, “You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?!”
“He turned 118 last month,” said the old Scot.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
“So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandad couldn’t go this mornin’ because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor was close to losing it – “Getting married?! Why would a 118-year old bloke want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?" A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Kevin's pals are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three friends get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Dang, Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Gray' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So... here I am!"

carguy123 wrote: Drive Thru - Invisible Driver Now this is funny. I'm thinking he only goes to McD's because the dumbest people work there, but regardless it's funny. And he has a couple more. The Static Electricity one is cool too! But I like the Bug in the Drive Thru better.

That was a huge time suck. I watched most of the videos, and thought they were good. Thanks.

What deep thinkers men are!

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the 'nads.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the 'nads is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the 'nads."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

914Driver wrote: Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Kevin's pals are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three friends get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Dang, Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Gray' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!! She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.' So... here I am!"

http://grassrootsmotorsports.com/forum/off-topic-discussion/fifty-shades-of-gray/60958/page1/

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say,

" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied,

" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

" Norma, I'm 75 years old. if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied,

" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! but if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

Still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know... Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

In reply to aussiesmg:

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

The Dad replied:

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

A guy with a passenger gets pulled over for speeding. The driver's a little slow getting his license & registration out, so the cop slaps his ticket book on the roof a couple of times. The driver finally gets his E36M3 together, and the cop writes him the ticket...but after that, he walks around to the passenger side and slaps his ticket book on the roof on that side, too. The driver says, "Officer, what was that for?"

The cop says,"Doing you a favor, boy. If I didn't, you'd have to listen to this SOB saying '..if he had done that to me..' for a damn month."

OOPS

I don't understand a word he's saying, but I understand every word.

Now which one of you is this in the first OOPs?

If nothing else you'll enjoy watching the caterpillar crawling across his forehead.

Is that dog for real in the 4th OOPs?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100 the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, " Don't do it!! I lied when I told you I inherited the money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?" The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

@wbjones: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I'm dying over here. I need to try that line on my wife some time. (yeah, that would go over well. But still.)

that's why the bold last line

Any golfers here

Best Caddy Responses

Number :10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . you miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch . it's a compass."

Number : 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good . but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . . An old favourite . . . . . about the Golfer who

has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . . ..

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . ..??"

Caddy: "There's a piece of E36 M3 on the end of

your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end"

I am sorry if this is a repost.

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that E36 M3."

Rabbi in a confession...

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes over, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do?". The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

THE IRS DECIDES TO AUDIT GRANDPA

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It's a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa says, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Put another way – “Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!”

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. " It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade ?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

An elderly couple go on vacation to Jerusalem. While there, the Wife dies quietly in her sleep. At the mortuary, the Widower was faced with burying his Wife of 55 years in Jerusalem or shipping the body back home for burial at the family plot. The mortician tried to make it simple for him. She could be buried there for $500 or for $5,000, her body would be properly prepared & then shipped back home. The Widower contemplated for a few minutes & decided to have the body shipped home. When the mortician inquired as to why he wanted to spend $5,000 instead of only $500, the Widower replied, "About 2,000 years ago, you guys buried a dead man & he came back to life 3 days later. I'm not taking any chances so I'm having her buried back home!"

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.