Still having a bad day?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
Feel better?
In reply to 914Driver:
Those made my day.
An elderly man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old guy just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old guy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old guy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, to heck with it, I'll soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked; I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's serves breakfast until 11.30.
Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and and bought a Genie lamp and took it home. When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as
a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Dept.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him in for the
last interview. The Chief Deputy said,
"You're a big strong kid and you can
really shoot. So far your qualifications
all look good, but we have what you might
call an "Aptitude Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take before you can be accepted. We don’t let just anyone carry
our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Obama Democrats,
and a rattlesnake."
"Why the rattlesnake?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?”
Finally an employment exam that makes sense!!!
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you are laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you are eating, send me a bite.”
“If you are drinking send me a sip.”
“If you are crying, send me your tears.”
I love you!
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,
“I am on the commode. Please advise."
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."
I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me With the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the Head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to Release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a Little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on Fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake, ...With two more frogs.
Not a joke but funny. I'm a guest speaker tonight at a public safety awareness program. I asked my GF if she wanted to go.
She swiftly replied no in a txt. I replied...
(Me) Well good you can stay home and clean, I'll bring you a hot wing or some food. (Her) that works. I like food. (Me) yeah you do (Her) true story bro (Me) I like my women like I like my truck tires. Fat, Hot and Sticky. (Her) haha good luck with the cleaning now.
Just wanted to share that. She's pretty great. She even welds and mounts/balances her own tires. Good sense of humor and a good garage buddy.
You know the honeymoon is over, when the comedians start.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
I heard this one today from a fellow golfer, he had just returned from a two week trip to Scotland & Ireland. He was playing in Ireland one afternoon, and one of his fellow golfers sliced one way right. Over the gorse, over the dunes, probably past the beach, maybe in to the North Sea.
Golfer turns to the caddy and asks "Do you think we'll be able to find that one?".
Irish caddy responds - "Laddie, you could wrap that ball in bacon and Lassie couldn't find it".
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing." He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Skating the political there aren't we guys?
I'd say joking about a woman's weight goes beyond the political and into the realm of the suicidal.
In reply to dean1484:
From my six year old:
Why did the superhero flush the toilet? Because it was his duty...
Kid humor!
Complete vs. Finished.
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished".
Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished". Here is an explanation that is easy to understand.
When you marry the right woman, you are "complete". If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished". And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo E36 M3. It means someone stole the tent."
A guy was at a Slurpee party. His Slurpee was so frozen he had a hard time eating it. As he complained to the host, waiving his frozen treat around, it slipped from his hand and hit the host in the head; knocking him out.
Someone called the cops. When they arrived, they investigated and determined it was just an accident.
They did arrest the man however and charged him with carrying a congealed weapon.
After buying a box of condoms at the drug store the cashier asked if he wanted a bag.. No thanks. She's not that ugly
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