Joke of the day

So- I'm part of a live stage production of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah I'm badass. Anyhow we were being smartasses during the zombie tryouts and decided to come up with a host of terrible zombie jokes.

What's a vegetarian zombie want? Graaaaaains.
Why does a zombie carry an umbrella? Raaaaain.
What does the rapper zombie want? Chaaaaainz.
What does the plumber zombie do? Draaaains.
What does Garth say after he's been bitten? Waaaayne.
What's a zombies favorite mode of transport? Traaaains, and Plaaaanes.(sorry Wally)
Who's a zombie's favorite magician? Blaaaaine.
Why did the zombie need to do laundry? Staaaaains.
What's a zombies favorite bagel? Plaaaaaain.

There were more, but I forgot em.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

carguy123 wrote: A guy was at a Slurpee party. His Slurpee was so frozen he had a hard time eating it. As he complained to the host, waiving his frozen treat around, it slipped from his hand and hit the host in the head; knocking him out. Someone called the cops. When they arrived, they investigated and determined it was just an accident. They did arrest the man however and charged him with carrying a congealed weapon.

Ow, my head.

In the same vein: What do you call a midget psychic who just committed a crime, but escaped and is on the run?

A small medium at large.

Thankyou, thankyou. Tip your waitress.

ultraclyde wrote:

carguy123 wrote: A guy was at a Slurpee party. His Slurpee was so frozen he had a hard time eating it. As he complained to the host, waiving his frozen treat around, it slipped from his hand and hit the host in the head; knocking him out. Someone called the cops. When they arrived, they investigated and determined it was just an accident. They did arrest the man however and charged him with carrying a congealed weapon.

Ow, my head. In the same vein: What do you call a midget psychic who just committed a crime, but escaped and is on the run? A small medium at large. Thankyou, thankyou. Tip your waitress.

In the same vein, what do you call it when you second guess your decision to stay in a Native American Community?

A Reservation Reservation Reservation

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?". The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized for swallowing six plastic horses?

The Doctor now has him listed in stable condition.

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No, not at all" the woman replied,

"I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed almonds. One day, however, Teddy ran out of almonds; instead he substituted hickory nuts.

Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?"

"I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."

You messed it up, it is supposed to be Dick's bar!

Is this an almond daiquiri, dick? No, thats a hickory daiquiri, Doc.

wbjones wrote: A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " "No, not at all" the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

LMFAO!!!

I asked my wife what she'd like for her XXth birthday. (I'm not dumb, I'm not telling.)

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

So on the morning of her birthday, I got her up bright and early and off we went to Six Flags. What a day!

I put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where I ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home and collapsed into bed. I leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" She opened one eye & said "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

I thought this was hilarious:

http://bouncerquotes.tumblr.com/

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(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

4. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

5. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

7. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

8. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

10. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

11. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

12. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

13. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

I IS SO EXCITE!

My wife said she wanted to lose some weight and being the world wise gentleman that I am I explained to her that more sex would help with that goal. (the guy's solution to everything and the true answer to world piece, wait I mean world peace)

She feigned confusion and said she didn't understand. I said it's simple, weren't you a lot skinnier when we used to have sex all the time? Monkey sex from the chandeliers, on the kitchen counter while she was peeling potatoes, on the bath mat right after a shower so she had to go back in and take another, etc.?

She agreed that she was skinnier when she was younger (as a guy you take small victories whereever you can get them)

I told her that while the exercise from sex was helpful, but it was the rush of hormones and the continued hormone balance from serial sex that really did it.

She said, she'd think on my suggestion and would try it if other ways didn't work out.

I IS SO EXCITE!

I think I will go in there an make up a big old batch of those cookies my wife likes so much. Eternal optimism

Now here is my own personal observations speaking on Divorcees.

When a woman gets divorced it's almost S.O.P that they'll go on a diet, buy some new clothes, change their hair style and begin to wear make up for going to the grocery store or just about any place.

My contention is if she'd have done that earlier she wouldn't be divorced.

Guys do it differently. Guys stay the same old beer swilling, belching, farting sex gods they've always been and somehow that works for them.

I don't know why but it works, but it does. It just might be that women learn to pick the least offensive of the bunch so I don't know why we shouldn't take advantage of the system.

Is it a double standard? Heck yeah! But as a guy who am I to say it's wrong?

Testament to small calibre firearms.Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal. Pistol

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.What is the smallest calibre you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection. . . .

The San Diego Zoo recently got a Chinese Crested Eagle on loan from the Shanghai Zoo. They immediately had troubles because they did not have access to the specifics of the birds usual diet. Feeding the bird similar to other eagles, it became violently sick on the foreign food. Eventually they realized they could not keep the bird healthy. They deported it back to China for being an ill eagle alien.

The ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Ammo is getting scarce!

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

What makes this sound? (yeah, you gotta make the sounds out loud):

"Clip, clop...clip, clop...clip, clop...clip, clop...

...BANG!, BANG!...

...clip, clop...clip, clop..."

A: An Amish drive-by.

is this how the Amish Mafia does it ?