Joke of the day

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
They were River dancing

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish funeral?
There is one less drunk person at the funeral.

Did you know all the children in the Donner party were the same age?
They were all eight...

93EXCivic wrote: Did you know all the children in the Donner party were the same age? They were all eight...

I could say that that's in bad taste

Three friends go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

What is a blonde's mating call?

"I'm so drunk"

What is an ugly blonde's mating call?

"I said I'm so drunk!"

914Driver wrote: A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

Remove that post immediately. That is one of my standard repertoire, don't spread it around for all to see. It goes down really well with gay women BTW

A lady is on a bridge and she is going to jump , a bum walks up and says hey lady what you doing . She yells get away from me ! He says hey lady if you are gonna jump can I have sex with you ? She screams hell no ! He says OK I will meet you at the bottom .

Looking over the fence, I noted the next door neighbor boy tossing a baseball to himself and trying to hit it with a bat.

The bat was waay too big for him, and his swing was awful.

As he pathetically whiffed it, he hollered "Strike one". I winced, but he looked like he was having a good time.

On his second attempt, he landed flat on his rear, and hollered "Strike two". I figured this wasn't gonna end well, but he was still smiling.

He dug in his cleats, furrowed his brow, tossed the ball, and drove through it with everything he had. He missed by a mile, and jumped up yelling, "Strike three! I'm such a great pitcher!"

SVreX wrote: Looking over the fence, I noted the next door neighbor boy tossing a baseball to himself and trying to hit it with a bat. The bat was waay too big for him, and his swing was awful. As he pathetically whiffed it, he hollered "Strike one". I winced, but he looked like he was having a good time. On his second attempt, he landed flat on his rear, and hollered "Strike two". I figured this wasn't gonna end well, but he was still smiling. He dug in his cleats, furrowed his brow, tossed the ball, and drove through it with everything he had. He missed by a mile, and jumped up yelling, "Strike three! I'm such a great pitcher!"

(crickets in the background) quietly in the distance you hear "booo"

Do you know why Baptists don't allow pre-marital sex?

A: 'Cause they're afraid it might lead to dancing!

Guy enters a roof top bar, nice views. Sits down next to a guy in a suit at the bar. Bar Keeps asks "What'll ya have?" He asks the guy in the suit, "What are you drinking?"

Magic Beer.

Really, what's magical about it?

Coupla these and you can fly. Watch.

Man stands up, heads to the ledge and throws himself off. He circled the building once and cam back to the roof top.

Amazing!! I'll have one of those!

Three beers later, the new guy walks to the ledge, throws himself off and drops to his death 60 stories below.

Bar Keep says "You know, you can be a real jerk when you drink, Superman."

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Once there was this feller who walked into a bar and ordered himself a drink. And another. And another.

Pert near 6 drinks later, that there feller was a might drunk. Suddenly, these 2 squirrels run through the door, jump up onto a stool, order a drink, and start up a conversation with the barkeep.

Soon this feller can't take it anymore, and he slurs, "Who taught you two to talk?". The damn squirrels look at him stunned, and say "Whoa, buddy, you must REALLY be drunk. There's only one of me."

and for the Number 1 joke today

What makes a girl go "mmmmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct tape

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels, although they still cannot watch Breaking Bad on AMC.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue you!"

The Devil laughs "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Old age isn't for wimps...but it beats dying young

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought.... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought... But you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS... But I was wrong, too!"

Guy runs into a bar, and desperately orders a 3 shots of whiskey with a beer back. He hastily drinks all three and chugs the beer, and then quickly orders a refill. As fast as he can, he downs the three shots, and then the beer, motioning to the bartender to fill him up again.

After throwing back the shots and draining the beer, the bartender feels compelled to ask the guy about his rush.

"You'd be drinking fast, if you had what I have!" the man quickly says.

The bartender replies "Oh my, sorry to hear that. What do you have?"

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out some loose change and replies

"about 67 cents."

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

(thanks to my daughter)

SVreX wrote: A: 'Cause they're afraid it might lead to dancing!

A little old lady I once knew said "Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire".

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "Hey Pal, how much for a beer?" Bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

two atoms are walking down the street. one says, "oh E36 M3, i lost an electron!" the second one says, "Are you sure?" and the first one replies, "I'm positive!"

A city man is driving down the highway in the country and stops for a stretch at a friendly looking ranch. An old man is shoing a horse sitting on a stool and starts up a conversation and talks to the young man for a good while. The city fellow realizes he left his watch at home and his phone in the car, he asks the old fellow if he knows the time.

The old man states that he's not wearing a watch and reaches under the horse and gently lifts up his balls and to the young mans shock he states, son it's 7:30.

The city man blurts out WOW! You can tell that just by lifting the horses balls?

The old man spits out a stream of chew and says no, can't you see that clock over on the wall?

According to the Bible ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.