Joke of the day

Surf Punks awesomeness.

93EXCivic wrote:

poopshovel wrote: Thoughts for the start of the 2013 football season. The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,... "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

I always heard that one about Detroit.

It's much less believable about Detroit, because they'll NEVER win the super bowl.

aussiesmg wrote: After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris , France sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was urgently needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing process the following day. Just then, an armless Frenchman approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. 'But, you have no arms, Monsieur !' 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe me, Excellency !' And, pushing his way past the Bishop, he began striking the bells with his ugly face, producing a most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment convinced he had found a sensational replacement for Quasimodo. But, suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bells again in encore, the armless Frenchman tripped over a mallet and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street far below. The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps to reach the street. A crowd had by now gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop sir, who was this man ?' 'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied........ ( scroll down ........) ( scroll down ........) .................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL !' WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more.... The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.' The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died of heart failure on the spot. Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of anguish at this second shocking tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened ? Who is this man?' the first monk asked, breathlessly. 'I don't know his name,' sighed the now distraught Bishop, 'but...' (. . .. Wait for it ....)......... (.. . . It's worth it.. ....)...... 'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

NICE ONE!

Reminds me of:

An elderly British woman is driving home through the countryside in the rain, when she sees this poor old chap with no arms trudging through the mud.

She pulls alongside him, tells him where she's headed and asks him if he needs a ride.

As she pulls up to her home, her son/caretaker is walking out the front door. The old woman and the hitch-hiker get out of the car, and the son says "Mother, what were you thinking? This guy could be a murderer! A sex pervert!"

The old woman says "Oh, don't worry love, he's 'armless."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens & a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem--how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, & a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

For all my Ohio friends: This is hilarious!

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Ohio...

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Ohio.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Ohio.

If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Ohio.

If you've had a lengthy telephone ...conversation with someone who dialed a wrong...number, you may live in Ohio.

If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Dayton for the weekend, you may live in Ohio.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Ohio.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Ohio.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Ohio.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Ohio.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Ohio.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Ohio.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Ohio.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Ohio.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Ohio.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Ohio.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Ohio.

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Ohio.

If you actually understand these jokes, repost this so all of your Ohio friends and others can see,you definitely do live - or have lived - in OHIO!

In reply to carguy123:

REPOAST!!! BAN HIM!!!

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?

He got off on a technicality.

iadr wrote: An old Mafia Don was dying and he called his grandson into his room before he died. "Lissen to me kid" Ima gonna be dead soon and I wanna giva you dis 45 handgun that I have owned for many years. It has protected me and my family and I wanna for you to have it. The kid looked a little upset and says "Gramps, I really dont like guns but I would much rather have your Rolex watch instead". The Don thought about this for a minute and said "Lissena to me....one day dis business of mine will alla be yours and you will be loaded with money and have powerful friends. You will marry a beautiful woman and maybe have a few bambinos running around. So one day you come home early and your beautiful wife is screwing someone else in your bed..."Whatta you gonna do"?? Hold up your arm, point to the Rolex and say, hey _____, "Times up"?

ROFL. Good one!

Sine_Qua_Non wrote:

iadr wrote: An old Mafia Don was dying and he called his grandson into his room before he died. "Lissen to me kid" Ima gonna be dead soon and I wanna giva you dis 45 handgun that I have owned for many years. It has protected me and my family and I wanna for you to have it. The kid looked a little upset and says "Gramps, I really dont like guns but I would much rather have your Rolex watch instead". The Don thought about this for a minute and said "Lissena to me....one day dis business of mine will alla be yours and you will be loaded with money and have powerful friends. You will marry a beautiful woman and maybe have a few bambinos running around. So one day you come home early and your beautiful wife is screwing someone else in your bed..."Whatta you gonna do"?? Hold up your arm, point to the Rolex and say, hey _____, "Times up"?

ROFL. Good one!

+1

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

wrote: Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Ok, I was a little worried, but the payoff was worth it.

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

BenB wrote: My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

LMFAO!!!

Warning: You can get arrested for posting poorly lit selfies on facebook.

You'll be charged with indecent exposure and flashing.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

In reply to poopshovel:

I heard it first with Janet Reno. Then I heard it again with Anne Coulter.

Anyhow, my 5 year old told me this one:

What is smarter than a talking dog? A spelling bee!

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Brett_Murphy wrote: In reply to poopshovel: I heard it first with Janet Reno. Then I heard it again with Anne Coulter. Anyhow, my 5 year old told me this one: What is smarter than a talking dog? A spelling bee!

I'd berkeley the snark out of Anne Coulter.

I'm not sure what snark is, but it sounds kinda like the stuff they put inside Stretch Armstrong.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the

Beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . ... .. A donkey lying

Dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St.

Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and

Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing

The Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression

That you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment .. . . . . . ....

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify

The next of kin first, which is the reason for me call

The bartender says "We don't serve faster than light particles in here."

A tachyon walks into a bar...

The latest news is that the Washington Redskins are going to change their name because of all the hatred, violence, and hostility associated with their name. From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Jt_g10Jug