Joke of the day

A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl”?

The logician replies: “Yes”.

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

“Thank you very much, sir.”

BAHAHAHAH that ones actually REALLY funny.

Jane Soliman wrote: The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”

I must commit that to my permanent memory. I'll have to purge some geometry or world history from high school, but that's ok.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered.. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant....The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

In reply to wbjones:

Made my morning thanks

Jane Soliman wrote: The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”

The Sergeant Major then ripped his face off for calling him 'sir'

not if he was in basic training … at least in boot camp, we did one of 2 things .. if it moved, we saluted it, if it didn't move we painted it … LOL

even an E2 would have been saluted and addressed as Sir, while standing rigidly at attention LOL

A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..." : : :

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go to hell."

A husband an a wife are having a fight, the man calls the woman a bitch, the woman calls the man a bastard, the son says "what's a bitch and a bastard?"

The parents say "ladies an gentlemen".

The next night they are having sex she is saying touch my titties and he says grab my dick, the son says " what's titties and dick?"

They say "hats and coats."

The next day is Thanksgiving and the father is shaving and cuts him self and says "E36 M3" the son says what's E36 M3? The father says its my shaving cream.

The son goes down stairs where his mum is cutting the turkey and stabs herself "berkeley" she says, what does berkeley mean says son, it means stuffing the turkey says the mother, [ the doorbell rings], "would u get that?"

The son answers the door to the relatives, " Okay, you bitches and bastards put your dicks and titties in the cupboard, dad is up stairs wiping the E36 M3 off his face and mum is in the kitchen berkeleying the turkey."

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. First asks for H2O.

Second says, I'll have H2O too.

One lives.

Past , Present and Future walk into a bar...it was tense.

An Irishman walks out of a bar...................

A sodium atom is shopping in a store. A Chlorine atom walks up and starts hitting it, then grabs it and won't let go.

The chlorine atom is arrested for committing assault.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Got my mother with this one this morning. She’s over staying from the UK for the holidays, I took her in a cup of tea in bed (like she used to do for me when I was a kid)

Me: Mom, I’ve just heard on the Radio, the British government has been over thrown.

Her: (Ashen look on her face) What!, what’s happened.

Me: A bunch of teddy bears broke into Downing street, it’s a Pooh-d'état

Jane Soliman wrote: The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”

Then he was yelled at for calling him "Sir" had to push ups till the Sargent was tired.

like I posted earlier … you would be correct if the private was at AIT … if still in basic training .. you would be wrong … in basic, you salute and call EVERYONE sir … or you would be doing pushups

Hi My friends,

With the season upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

Well, this past Saturday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with long-lost friends. We had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, we still had the sense to know that we were over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the freeway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, and I don't know what to do with it.

Merry Christmas.........

Nice ;)

In reply to wbjones:

SHAMPOO DANGER!

DO NOT shampoo your hair in the shower, as the shampoo runs down your body when you are rinsing off your hair . . . I'm so relieved to finally get a health warning that is useful! This IS A WARNING to all of us! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start Showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!