Joke of the day

Please ban Brett_Murphy.

Come on! That was worth a nerd chuckle.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too. "

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

In reply to Toyman01:

You missed at least one....

Prius Forums --- This new wax upped my MPG by .05 and it only cost me $50!

Our office secretary is collecting Derby trivia and/or answering questions about the Derby (hey, it's Kentucky- and basketball season is over...).

One of the questions she got was: "Has a woman ever won the Kentucky Derby?"

Answer: "No, all the winners have been horses."

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.

When I was recently on holidays I finally got around to going fishing on the Burnett River, Bundaberg,Queensland, with an old Army mate, but after a while we ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bait and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

...

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my trusty bottle of Bundaberg Rum (a Bundy Boy never travels without it) and poured a little rum into its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was the same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

In reply to aussiesmg:

Buddy of mine brought some Bundy back with him from visiting family down under he shared it with us at a car meet. Good times ensued is all I'm gonna say about that.

Too and it isn't exported to the states. He calls it his $2000 rum since he has to fly home to buy a couple of bottles.

When the Spanish explorers first landed in the New World, In addition to the many things they learned about and profited from included gold and silver and souls won for the Holy Roman Catholic Church. They also introduced things to the people of the New World, things commonplace in Europe at the time, but new and amazing to the peoples that would eventually become Mexicans. A short list of these “new” things includes the horse, gunpowder, smallpox and mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise? you say. Yes mayonnaise. The people of the New World loved it and asked to be taught how to make it for themselves. The Spanish, sensing a new way to make a doubloon, decided to keep the recipe a secret and to import mayonnaise instead.

The shipping of mayonnaise became a big business for the Spanish, and soon full shiploads of mayonnaise were being sent out from Spain to be sold, at a great profit, to the native people. Since the shipping schedules were known in advance, the anticipation of the arrival of the mayonnaise carrying ships became a great cause for excitement. An almost festival mood would fill the port city days in advance of the expected arrival of the mayonnaise.

One Spring, the first shipment of the year was delayed by weather in the North Atlantic and lookouts were posted to watch for the first sight of masts coming over the horizon. Finally, the lookouts shouted down from their watch towers that the ship was in sight. The word spread like wildfire and soon the docks were full of onlookers. A carnival like atmosphere took over the whole town.

But, just as the ship proudly sailed into the harbor, a sudden squall came up and blew the ship off course, and onto the rocks lining the harbor’s entrance. The ship went down in minutes, with a loss of all hands, and of course, all the mayonnaise.

A great sadness came over the town. It was such a dark day, that it is remembered yet today as Cinco de Mayo.

In reply to bgkast:

I really, really dislike you for that. Intensely. Oddly it makes more sense than the real "Holiday" (The Mexican army defeated the French in one battle and the Americans made a Holiday out of it? Why?)

turboswede wrote: In reply to aussiesmg: Buddy of mine brought some Bundy back with him from visiting family down under he shared it with us at a car meet. Good times ensued is all I'm gonna say about that. Too and it isn't exported to the states. He calls it his $2000 rum since he has to fly home to buy a couple of bottles.

Your friend probably doesn't want to know, but it is available in the US.

https://www.bundaberg.com/en-us/product-locator/

turboswede wrote: In reply to bgkast: I really, really dislike you for that. Intensely. Oddly it makes more sense than the real "Holiday" (The Mexican army defeated the French in one battle and the Americans made a Holiday out of it? Why?)

It sells beer and nachos.

turboswede wrote: In reply to bgkast: I really, really dislike you for that. Intensely. Oddly it makes more sense than the real "Holiday" (The Mexican army defeated the French in one battle and the Americans made a Holiday out of it? Why?)

Still makes more sense than Columbus Day

GameboyRMH wrote: Still makes more sense than Columbus Day

Excellent point.

That said, my wife love light beers so I like to poke fun at her from time to time, so this John Oliver rant on Bud Lite is now added to my repertoire:

John Oliver said: “Bud Light tastes like a beer that someone already threw up … it’s like a liquid John Mayer song … it tastes like the scared urine of a rabbit … if a nickel could urinate, it would taste like Bud Lite … basically, if water could go bad, it would taste like Bud Lite.”

Keith Tanner wrote:

turboswede wrote: In reply to aussiesmg: Buddy of mine brought some Bundy back with him from visiting family down under he shared it with us at a car meet. Good times ensued is all I'm gonna say about that. Too and it isn't exported to the states. He calls it his $2000 rum since he has to fly home to buy a couple of bottles.

Your friend probably doesn't want to know, but it is available in the US. https://www.bundaberg.com/en-us/product-locator/

Ah E36 M3, I may have to get some. A friend stationed in Japan brought some back when he came home for my wedding many years ago. It was the overproof stuff and we all got destroyed on the stuff. That is all, nothing to see here.

stroker wrote: It sells beer and nachos.

Any night of the week sells that. Honestly.

Also, there's a pub nearby me that makes Nachos out of tater-tots. They call them "Totchos" and they are splendid. Its like I'm watching a drunk Irishman and a Drunk Mexican are fighting over the last Budweiser at a NASCAR race from the comfort of my RV.

Toyman01 wrote: How do you know if someone owns Apple products? Don't worry. They'll tell you.

We're not ALL vegetarians...

turboswede wrote: In reply to bgkast: I really, really dislike you for that. Intensely. Oddly it makes more sense than the real "Holiday" (The Mexican army defeated the French in one battle and the Americans made a Holiday out of it? Why?)

I heard it was because Mexican Independence day is too early in the U.S. school year to really get kids in for a celebration. (September 16th I think). So many schools looked for a Mexican holiday later in the year...

rcutclif wrote:

turboswede wrote: In reply to bgkast: I really, really dislike you for that. Intensely. Oddly it makes more sense than the real "Holiday" (The Mexican army defeated the French in one battle and the Americans made a Holiday out of it? Why?)

I heard it was because Mexican Independence day is too early in the U.S. school year to really get kids in for a celebration. (September 16th I think). So many schools looked for a Mexican holiday later in the year...

For the Children!

Duke wrote:

Toyman01 wrote: How do you know if someone owns Apple products? Don't worry. They'll tell you.

We're not *ALL* vegetarians...

See that?

Duke told you! Just like you predicted!

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.

They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained:"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.

"You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said."How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The Rabbi answered sadly,"My wife is from Minsk."

LOL

Let's see what kind of reaction this will have.

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

In reply to wlkelley3:

I'll give it a +1, but only because there isn't a +.01

In reply to Toyman01: