A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.
The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, narrowly missing the man.
The man says, "Thank You," places a tip on the bar and walks out.
Why did he say thank you and leave the tip.
If nobody guesses, I'll answer it tomorrow. If you google it, don't post the answer.
In reply to Toyman01:
He had the hiccups.
In reply to Flynlow:
Correct. You win one internet.
In reply to Toyman01:
Woohoo! Glass of water kind of gave it away :).
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.
For the Canucks in the audience:
I stopped by the GM Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.
The salesman, wearing a "NDP for Change" lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Conservative truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Conservative truck.
I explained that if it were a NDP truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. No sense of humour.
Q: What's the best way to catch a Polar Bear?
A: First you find a nice flat place on the ice. Then you dig a hole in the ice. Next you get a can of peas. LeSeur Early Peas work best. You place peas all around the hole. Then you wait for a polar bear to come along. When the bear comes by, you wait until he takes a pea then you kick him in the ice hole.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.” She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that… 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?” “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Granny replies, The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.
A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. The viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonalds serves breakfast all day now.
9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!”.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me up all night!" The doctor says everything will heal in about a month.
In reply to wbjones:
Thanks for keeping me entertained. I love your jokes.
I like my women the way I like my coffee...
...black and bitter.
...trendy and overpriced.
...first thing in the morning.
...shared communally in the break room.
...imported in burlap sacks.
...ground up and in the freezer.
...fair trade and organic.
...grabbed randomly in the supermarket.
...drizzled in caramel.
...keeping me up all night.
...supportive of my racing hobby.
wbjones wrote: 7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
I don't have a joke but just freaked out my co-workers laughing at that one. Thanks.
Beer Baron wrote: I like my women the way I like my coffee... ...black and bitter. ...trendy and overpriced. ...first thing in the morning. ...shared communally in the break room. ...imported in burlap sacks. ...ground up and in the freezer. ...fair trade and organic. ...grabbed randomly in the supermarket. ...drizzled in caramel. ...keeping me up all night. ...supportive of my racing hobby.
...a little nasty and picked up at a gas station.
...cheap.
...in the kitchen.
...full of booze.
...iced.
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day." The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
Toyman01 wrote:
This is berkeleying brilliant. Who says college is a waste.
Beer Baron wrote: I like my women the way I like my coffee... ...black and bitter. ...trendy and overpriced. ...first thing in the morning. ...shared communally in the break room. ...imported in burlap sacks. ...ground up and in the freezer. ...fair trade and organic. ...grabbed randomly in the supermarket. ...drizzled in caramel. ...keeping me up all night. ...supportive of my racing hobby.
Central American
Steamy
With chocolate
On the kitchen table
The New Husbands Store...
A store that sells new husbands has just opened downtown, where women may go choose a husband. Instructions for shoppers say: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the number of products increase floor by floor. Once you go up to the next floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and reads:
Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help with the Housework, and Have a strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the New Husband's Store."
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.
Floor 3 to 6th - have never been visited.
What's invisible and smells like earth worms?
Bird farts.
There seems to be an Echo in here....
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