I spent an hour today at my wife's grave. Bless her heart, she thinks I'm digging a pond. 
I spent an hour today at my wife's grave. Bless her heart, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
I watched a bad horror movie with unnecessary toplessness.
It was GratuiTits.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..” The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
This is kind of dumb but it had my 8 year old in tears last night
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: For stomping out forest fires
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: For stomping out flaming ducks
for your 8 year old:
Why do Giraffes have spots?
So they can hide in trees!
(the jokee will be confused)
C'mon have you ever seen a giraffe in a tree?
Jokee: no...
See, it works!
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....." ?
If I ever met pilotbraden, I think we'd get along great!
Beer Baron wrote: I watched a bad horror movie with unnecessary toplessness. It was GratuiTits.
There were women protesting outside the White House without tops on yesterday...
Best PokemonGo trip with the wife and kids ever!
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, she in the upper berth and he in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the woman leaned down and gently woke the man saying, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," he replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", she exclaimed.
"Good," he replied. ………….."Get your own damned blanket"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
THE END
I am working on this one so help me flush it out. 
Owning a German car is a lot like being in a German porno. In the beginning, everything is nice and civilized, and then a few moments later you're getting crapped on.
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peters Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name is Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
In reply to Toyman01:
There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm doing 55 in a 30 mph zone.
And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous!
I remember the "selling their kid on Ebay" story...
That nuts! Who does stuff like that?? That's a living being, that YOU made! THAT goes on Etsy.
Flight Service wrote: I am working on this one so help me flush it out.
Which is kinda similar to this one:
Owning a sports car that is not Italian is like going to a proctologist with little fingers. You're missing part of the experience.
Why do we call it car repair and not autocorrect?
I've noticed a design flaw that seems to be shared among most of the "Caution: Wet Floor" signs that have ever been produced. Remember to check for this next time you see one.
The sign is supposed to indicate the danger of a wet floor in a way that is clear even to non-English-speakers, yet on most signs the figure on the sign looks like he's having a great time busting some sick breakdancing moves instead of falling and in distress.
This can lead to misinterpretations.
I have an idea for a Halloween costume but I think it might be distasteful. Let me know what you think:
A suit with tie, big wispy blond wig, and a stuffed toy cat held in one hand the entire time.
GameboyRMH wrote: I have an idea for a Halloween costume but I think it might be distasteful. Let me know what you think: A suit with tie, big wispy blond wig, and a stuffed toy cat held in one hand the entire time.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself- Mankind.
Basically, it's made up of 2 separate words- mank, and ind. What do these 2 words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Come to Chicago for the food...
Stay because you got murdered.
My favorite politically agnostic joke of the season.
No matter who wins on Nov 8th we are going to make history in the election.
Either we will have the first time two Presidents have slept together.
Or
It will be the first time a White Billionaire has moved out of his penthouse into government assisted housing recently vacated by a black family.
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