Life just got really bad, really quick. I need some advice.

sell that gaming system for some more cash ;)

Already did 

You're in a good place all things considered. Hug your wife, make a plan, and make it happen. 

I agree with you wanting to put the pieces in place to finish school. That's good long term planning. I've watched more than a few people freak out and make some terrible decisions when they find out they're pregnant because everyone knows it costs a lot. My experience is that raising kids costs a lot in the long term, and having a baby without insurance costs a lot, but pregnancy and the first year or so doesn't cost a lot if the health side of things is covered. Diapers money is real, breast milk requires mom being healthy (and breastfeeding working which admittedly it doesn't always) but no money. Baby food for the first year requires a food grinder and the food you should be eating anyway, but in much much smaller quantities. The baby clothes you need are cheap, the ones you want are the expensive ones. Does it all cost money? Yes, but not as much as it would cost you to derail finishng school and moving to a successful career. 

So you've got heath care, you signed a lease on an apartment. Be a good dad. Be a good husband. You've got this. 

You have a solid head on your shoulders I'm sure you will get out of this.  I don't agree with 100% your past decisions (nobody does) but I don't really see any point in dwelling on that, it won't help the situation.  I also don't think that analyzing your dad/step mom beyond the surface is doing much good.  They may need help.  They may just be shiny happy people.  Who knows.  What is clear is that things have changed, you aren't welcome in their house, and you need to make life adjustments.  The only advice I can offer at this point is:

1) Seems like figuring out how to get out of the Mustang should be a top priority.  Get down to a single vehicle if possible.

2) Absolutely do not drop out of school.  Things are only going to get harder once the child arrives.  You can almost finish before the baby, so press to get that done.

3) Do not sacrifice your body/health to work for Amazon (or any similar employer).  Or your wife's.  If they pay well and the job is good, sure.  But if it truly is stuff that is going to be painful for you, stick with other work.

The silver lining in all of this is:  you have some guaranteed income from your retirement and you have health insurance.  As long as you can keep your budget in check, you can dig your way out, even if its slower than you want to.  The situation you are is the same that leads some families without those resources to a lifetime of poverty.  Good luck and happy anniversary.

ProDarwin said:

You have a solid head on your shoulders I'm sure you will get out of this.  I don't agree with 100% your past decisions (nobody does) but I don't really see any point in dwelling on that, it won't help the situation.  I also don't think that analyzing your dad/step mom beyond the surface is doing much good.  They may need help.  They may just be shiny happy people.  Who knows.  What is clear is that things have changed, you aren't welcome in their house, and you need to make life adjustments.  The only advice I can offer at this point is:

1) Seems like figuring out how to get out of the Mustang should be a top priority.  Get down to a single vehicle if possible.

2) Absolutely do not drop out of school.  Things are only going to get harder once the child arrives.  You can almost finish before the baby, so press to get that done.

3) Do not sacrifice your body/health to work for Amazon (or any similar employer).  Or your wife's.  If they pay well and the job is good, sure.  But if it truly is stuff that is going to be painful for you, stick with other work.

The silver lining in all of this is:  you have some guaranteed income from your retirement and you have health insurance.  As long as you can keep your budget in check, you can dig your way out, even if its slower than you want to.  The situation you are is the same that leads some families without those resources to a lifetime of poverty.  Good luck and happy anniversary.

This is almost exactly the same thing I wanted to say. 2020 has been a turbulent year. You've been riding it out so far. Just keep riding it out. 

You mentioned a Civic earlier in the thread. Could you sell that to help raise some quick funds?

Sorry to hear that your having problems with family. That’s always hard to deal with, no matter who’s “fault “ it is. 

But stress over that is making you feel worse than it is. Hard to change / plan at short notice, but you are already trying, and have a good start. ProD laid it out well. 

Finacially, your in better shape than me, and I’m working 45 -50 hrs a week!  Now I don’t have a kid to feed/clothe etc. but you be in a better place by then. 

Just try not to let the family stuff stress ya out. Think about it... it will either work out, or it won’t. You still have continue life either way, so no worries! Easier to say than do, but I try. 

dyintorace (Forum Supporter) said:

You mentioned a Civic earlier in the thread. Could you sell that to help raise some quick funds?

If I did that, I would have no transportation for myself. My wife's hours are part time so of course all over the place. Once I'm able to get a job I'll need my own transportation. My challenge civic has 262k miles but it's a civic so it's still going 

I got nothin, but a bunch of hang in there, man.

Seriously... The Mustang is a problem.  Patching up a Coyote engine is not for the faint of heart, and you have no experience in that difficult task.  Plus, you are really not equipped to jump into that project.  The bad news is most shops won't fix the engine either, they will want to put in a replacement.  That would cost too much, based on the existing value.   I'm starting to see that becoming a repo.     Talking to the lender for any kind of forgiveness may be in the cards.  But, I don't see you trying to do the repair.  Your time can be spent more wisely elsewhere.

The Sebring area is not the "center of the Universe".   So employment options are limited.  The good news is that Publix has a fairly good rep as an employer.  Your wife should maybe play that card.  

I live in a college town.  There are hundreds of students taking full loads and still working... just saying.

Obviously you seem to have some injuries.  We don't know how physically limited you might be.  Maybe explain how much physical work you can reasonably do for 8 hours per day.  (for example could you be a counter man at AutoZone?)

This course program that you are taking...  Does that school have any stats on employment after completion.  I was an IT director for 30 years, valid certifications can be valuable, but some not so much.    I've seen a lot of students rack up huge debt for pieces of paper that have little or no value.   Just saying.

Sorry, but expect a lot of "tough Love" from many of us.

Purple Frog (Forum Supporter) said:

Seriously... The Mustang is a problem.  Patching up a Coyote engine is not for the faint of heart, and you have no experience in that difficult task.  Plus, you are really not equipped to jump into that project.  The bad news is most shops won't fix the engine either, they will want to put in a replacement.  That would cost too much, based on the existing value.   I'm starting to see that becoming a repo.     Talking to the lender for any kind of forgiveness may be in the cards.  But, I don't see you trying to do the repair.  Your time can be spent more wisely elsewhere.

The Sebring area is not the "center of the Universe".   So employment options are limited.  The good news is that Publix has a fairly good rep as an employer.  Your wife should maybe play that card.  

I live in a college town.  There are hundreds of students taking full loads and still working... just saying.

Obviously you seem to have some injuries.  We don't know how physically limited you might be.  Maybe explain how much physical work you can reasonably do for 8 hours per day.  (for example could you be a counter man at AutoZone?)

This course program that you are taking...  Does that school have any stats on employment after completion.  I was an IT director for 30 years, valid certifications can be valuable, but some not so much.    I've seen a lot of students rack up huge debt for pieces of paper that have little or no value.   Just saying.

Sorry, but expect a lot of "tough Love" from many of us.

I'm glad you see my fears on the mustang!  You pretty much summed them up. Also I don't really have a good place to work on it - I think I can get some ramps and drop the oil pan and check those bearings, but really taking the motor apart beyond that is WAY out of my range!  I'll figure something out. 
 

The Sebring area just plain sucks for jobs. My wife is fortunate to work at Publix and I'll try there as well.  I think I'm just scared that I'll overwhelm myself. 
 

As for injuries, my lower back was basically crushed in the army. I lost 1/2 inch of height and now have degenerative arthritis there, as well as arthritis in my neck, right shoulder (5 dislocations), left wrist, both knees, and I'm getting a pinched nerve in my lower back. Also some mild tinnitus and tonic tensor tympani syndrome in left ear, and a bunch of scrapes and scars and the usual. That being said, I'm pretty fit. I just can't do anything that puts pressure on my lower back - so carrying even moderately heavy things is out, and standing for long periods of time is painful. If I can alternate standing, sitting, moving, then I tend to be okay. 
 

I don't remember the stats for my school off the top of my head. I know the program covers things such as windows server and Linux, and it also basically trains you up for the A+, Net+, Sec+, and a couple other certs. 

infinitenexus said:

We do have big plans for certain!  We want to have a good future. All of our plans were big but still attainable until this happened, unfortunately. 

This is a setback for sure, but rest assured, your big plans are still attainable.

 .

infinitenexus said:

Oh and lastly, today is my wife and my third wedding anniversary!  I'm just grateful we didn't have to spend today in a hotel as well 

Congrats. May the challenges you overcome together cement the bonds of your partnership.

I "lived" in Sebring 4 months a year (December-March) for a few years while motorsporting, it seemed to be a brutal sport for anything outside of that. I'd reach out to wine country to see if they could use a hand, it's not likely as motorsport and in turn motorsport support is hurting right now. 

Getting out from under the mustang is huge, I don't know how you managed to owe 15k give or take on a soon to be 9 year old vehicle, but revisit that internally nto ensure it doesn't happen again, that's how young families end up in Dodge Journeys, they take the upside down trade and roll it into financing. You never want a Dodge Journey. If you're not sure how your life is going, go into a Dodge dealership. Don't tell them what model you're looking for, Tell them where you are in life and budgetwise, if the first vehicle they recommend to you for fitting your needs is a Journey, major changes are needed. 

Sounds like a good time to buy that extended warranty.  

Happy Anniversary.

I would not waste much time trying to figure out the parental's problems.  That is just going to sap your energy and divert your attention from more important things.   

infinitenexus said: let me remind you that my pregnant wife and I slept on someone else's pubic hair last night while roaches crawled on the walls.

I'm really not trying to be a dick, I promise.

Next time you are thinking of spending money on something that does not provide for your family, remember that night.  Penny saved is a penny earned and all that, make sure it's worth it.

Also, noone owes you anything, parent, child, friend, or foe.  Maybe your spouse, but I always feel like I'm the one in debt to her.

"If you want something done right you gotta do it yourself".  The only way to make sure the cards are always in your favor is to be in control of them, and you can only control so many, so make sure you have a good handle on the ones you can.  It's not always fun or glamorous, but the feeling of freedom from the agonizing stress is amazing.

And now that I read the rest...

Happy anniversary!  Go give your wife and her belly a big kiss and let her know that no matter what life throws at you guys, you're in it as a team and you'll get through it all eventually.  Life is alot easier as a 2 player game.

I don't have a whole bunch to add here, but I would say, maybe don't be too hard on the Stepmom.    Try to see this from an outside perspective.  You moved temporarily into her house, then decided to start a family while there, without having a job.  Now, my immediate reaction would be to feel like you've gotten comfortable and have decided to settle in.  That can certainly cause someone to freak out.  And it can cause any resentments she may have harboured, yet controlled (everybody does) to suddenly burst forth, as such.  As much as her reaction may have been over the top, she may have felt pushed into a corner and taken advantage of.  

Happy anniversary! Also not going to judge or share to much but good on you for seeking advice. There are some smart folks on this board witb extensive various backgrounds who are happy to provide guidance. Things will get better!

Look into parts stores if you have any nearby. I know my employer hires veterans and will work with injury's. With my spine I can only be on my feet about 6hours a day and that's no issue because my mechanical experience they want me there. I work with a vet who has a prosthetic leg and just had major spinal surgery. He doesn't need to work but loves the place.

oh and in our area anyway a valid license and clean driving record move you to the front. They always need people who can deliver. 

You already got some sounds and straight forward advice. Remember that the best advice are blunt, straightforward and truthful once. Any looser can pat you in the back and say "There, there, your father is a dick..." but it takes a committed person who actually cares to deliver the "hard love".

Money:

- As already been stated: you are financially quite OK. Not golden, of course, but you can live on what you get. Make SMART choices and MAKE choices. Allowing the Mustang to get repossessed is just "letting E36 M3 happen to you". Selling it as a mechanics special and eating the loss - that is a choice. Asking a friend for help in fixing it or paying a fellow GRMer to swap the engine - that is a choice.

- Learn what VALUE is: Being able to relax and fall asleep at night - Not having anxiety when opening the mail/bills - Time with friends and family - knowing your baby is safe and happy - Letting your child grow up WITHOUT parents who are arguing about money, or worry about bills: these things are VALUE. Having a cooler car than the neighbor, take out food and restaurant visits, a fancy apartment/house and similar just isn't. It sounds obvious, but adapting to a lowered budget IS hard mental work and WILL require you to change habits. Remember: Small children play just as well with the wrapping paper as they do with the toy inside. It has been proven so many times that parents who are present and happy themselves raise happy kids that turn into happy adults. Poverty will make you unhappy! But assuming your needs are met, financial wealth and status is actually pretty far down the list of what makes people happy. 

Relationships:

- It was a pretty dumb move to go ahead and have a baby while you are both unemployed and living with your parents - sorry, but there is no way around it. But, the little one is on the way (Congrats!!) and you are now preparing for the biggest project/responsibility/awesomeness of your life. Being a dad is the best thing that ever happened to me, so again: Congrats!

- Take care of your wife! Make sure you make smart choices and make sure you are PARTNERS. Silly example: A 6-pack of beer and watching the game with the guys might cost you $10. That is cheap fun... but if you do it while she is A. home alone and B. worried about your bills, it becomes a major issue. Not perhaps on paper, financially, but emotionally. Smart choices, listen a lot, talk a lot to each other. 

- Your dad is a Bob Costas. Later, when the storm has passed a bit, you need to talk ALONE to him. I assume it went down exactly as you describe and his behavior is absolutely NOT ok: 

A. Your relationship with him is YOUR responsibility, not shared with your wife. His relationship with your stepmom is HIS responsibility. HE is the one who should handle his raging drunk wife, not you. He epically failed you there. 

B. If your actions rub him the wrong way, he should SAY SO. That is what parents, kids and siblings do. You can expect and (yes!) demand that he speaks up and talks honestly to you, BEFORE things escalate to the roof. A reasonable reaction would have been: "Look, son... I love you and I do want to help you, but this is not working. This is how I'm seeing things right now: Bla bla blaaa". Looking on as your stepmom kicks you out and slip you some cash: Epic fatherly fail. Epic cowardly fail. I don't care if you are 39, 19 or 9 - that is the actions of a man who is missing both backbone and balls.

C. You want to fix things with your dad. He IS your dad and you will want to have a relationship with him. But you can both expect and demand things from each other and the first and most basic thing is honesty. Talk to each other. 

Best of luck!

In reply to Torkel :

I think your point B is about as right as possible. The fatherly fail, as you called it, seems to be bothering me as much as the fact that we got kicked out. I'm trying to just move on and put this behind me but I can be sensitive to these types of things. 
 

Ive been up since 4. Can't sleep. Today I'll get the utilities switched over to my name and order some internet.  I changed over our addresses, and I'll call the post office when they open this morning just to make sure it takes effect immediately. Today I'll also try to get MD unemployment on the phone and see what the status is on my back pay, and start looking for some place around here to work, and we'll finish moving stuff in from our storage unit so I can cancel that - that'll save $53/month. 
 

I realize that deciding to have a kid while there was probably the catalyst that set this all off - what sucks is that initially, they were fine with it and we worked out a nice plan. Then life stepped in. 
 

I might take some photos of the tiny house I'm renting and post them so we can all have a laugh. It's exactly as horrible as you could imagine - ants in the kitchen, mysterious stains on the cheap carpet that isn't even installed, it's just on the floor. Holes punched in the wall. But we have a place so that's what's important. We'll work on fixing it up a bit and making it safer and more baby-friendly in the upcoming months. 
 

My wife asked for more hours at work. I don't believe they were able to schedule her for more, but they said if someone else calls out, they'll call her first. She's going to work as much as possible during her pregnancy, but when she has the baby we would both prefer for her to stay home and take care of the baby for a while instead of returning to work and getting a babysitter. I'll be working and making extra money, enough that we'll make it. Ultimately, the baby is the first priority and whatever is best for the baby is what will happen. We want her there, taking care of the baby and giving it love, attention, and reading books to it and things such as that. 

Happy anniversary!

I once went through the dissolution of an 8-year relationship. At the time I rode motorcycles and was active on a great message board that no longer exists focused on the hobby of motorcycling. I went there and talked to some close friends during and after. It was helpful. I'm glad to see that you feel close enough and cared for enough in this community to feel the same. I would say that if you feel the need, counseling is a good thing to pursue with a counselor you trust and feel good about. Even if you have a handle on things it's nice to be able to talk to someone who is strictly your advocate. 

I'm also glad to hear you have your own place to go to. It sounds like your father's family is overwhelmed and reacted poorly to that. Good job extricating your family from that situation. The relationship may improve now given some time and space. I'm also happy that you were able to plan in the past enough to get your family and yourself through this even when the unexpected occurred. 

I think that keeping a level head and planning as you have will hold all of you in good stead. Congrats on being mentally flexible enough and prepared enough to weather the storm. 

In reply to infinitenexus :

Terro ant bait. The clear gel type. It doesn't work immediately, but give it a week and the nest will be dying off. 

Trade the mustang in on a food truck, open Sebring 12 hour bbq. Sell tee shirts that say, it's 12 hours to the finish line for this swine, with a cartoon pig doing a burnout in the truck. Give IMSA team members and crew 50% off for walk ups if you can get a picture with their drivers in front of the truck. Offer catering. 

Profit. 

Dad is a Bob Costas, but he knows his immediate life will be better if he turfs you, so he doesn't have to give half his stuff to the drunken harpy.