Midlife/career crisis - could use some advice

EDIT: Posted a followup on page three on 4/4/2014

I'm not usually in the habit of spilling this much out to a bunch people I've never met in real life, but it seems like the GRM board gang has a tendency to come up with a lot of good advice and ideas for other people in a quandary, so its time for me to solicit some advice. What follows is going to be a little long, so if you're not in the mood for a novel, you may want to click the back button now...

I'm in my late 30's, and by most objective measures, doing fairly well. Wonderful wife who has a similar income to mine, good paying job, relative to the median wage around me, a manageable debt load (one car payment + a house payment), and my retirement savings is higher than typical for my age. So, I apologize in advance if anything sounds like whining, I know I've got it pretty good, which actually makes me feel worse to be having to do this.

The direction my career has taken me is driving me nuts, and I'm feeling trapped. A little background: I got my Bachelor's in Mechanical Engineering in the late 90's, back when demand for MEs was so-so, but demand for IT workers was high. After a short stint at a failed telecom company (failed a few years after I left), I ended up as a quality engineer at an equipment monitoring company. I was responsible for testing mostly software, but a little hardware. They were bought out by a larger company, and for a while things went well, but then the outsourcing started. It was around this time I also got married. Suddenly, I was traveling more, and they had pretty much tripled the number of developers by offshoring them, while keeping the QA department in the US, and not adding people. The workload went up, and quality went down. I didn't like what we were doing to our customers, plus I saw the writing on the wall, so after about 6 years of employment there, I started job searching. Instead of staying in something related to my degree, I landed a QA job at a healthcare IT company. It wasn't overly challenging, but I was good at it, and it wasn't near as stressful as the prior job. Things went downhill slowly when the economy turned in 2007-08, but I held on, since jobs were starting to get scarce. A little over a year ago, the division I worked for was sold off to another up and coming company. The new company is growing like mad, and treats the employees reasonably well. Last April, I switched out of QA, and became a Business Analyst, at the time a relatively easy transition, since I had done some product design work at the old company(more on that later). However, a combination of lack of job satisfaction that had been building for a while, plus a combination of personality clashes with members on my team and the way the new company structures the work (we're Agile-ish) has pushed me to the edge.

I spend a good portion of my days wanting to either scream and yell, or run and hide from the world. I'm still competent at my job, but definitely not the star I could be if I was more motivated. I fear if this keeps up, I may screw up, and not be able to do my job well enough. If this feeling was just related to the current job, but to be honest, I'm tired of both the healthcare industry and the IT industry. So, that’s pretty nuts, those are probably the two safest places I could be right now, combined into one. But, I just am having a hard time handling it.

Now, onto a few other life factors:

My father passed away a little over 2 years ago of a terminal illness, shortly after turning 65. Fortunately, he'd managed to retire at 55, so had had some time to relax and do some of the things he'd wanted, but there was a lot he didn't get to do. While he was ill, I was in the middle of coming up with an update idea that could save one of our failing product lines. I spent a ton of time working on it (outside of work), and presented it to management. It got the go ahead, and I ended up pretty much being the product manager, project manager, and QA lead all-in-one for it. It was operational for less than a year before the new company bought us, and shut the product line down. I look back at that period with a lot of regret now, as while I spent most of my vacation time seeing my parents, and trying to help out, had I known what would have happened, I'd have much rather taken a leave of absence or quit my job to have spent a lot more time with them.

I've also had a habit of taking the "safe" way. There are other, more risky, career paths I had considered, but once I was ensconced in the world of QA, I let the dreams go. At this point, I've aged out of most of my ideas.

I'd kind of like to get back to something more related to my degree, but my skill set is extremely stale, not to mention a lot of people with a BSME don't progress to much more than "entry-level" wages, so it makes no sense for a company to hire me over someone fresh from college.

Where to go from here:

Stick with what I'm doing. I always put a little in for retirement, but really started accelerating that in the last few years. About 50% of my take home pay goes to various retirement account. "The Plan" had been for me to continue doing this until I'm 50-55, and then, when I feel safe, go into semi-retirement, and work a low wage, low stress job that could cover my expenses, while our retirement funds grew until we felt safe enough to fully retire. Problems with this include the current job seems to be killing me, and I've learned, the more I save for retirement, the less I feel like I'm putting enough away. If I keep this path up, I need to come up with a way to just stress myself less, and cope better. Another factor keeping me there, is the office is only a 10 minute drive from home. Most other jobs would involve a longer commute.

Switch to another job. Until about two years ago, I was the primary wage earner. Now that my wife and I are making about the same, we've determined it would be okay if I made less money. If I could work a much lower stress job, I'd be willing to accept a major pay cut. Problem is, I've kind of cornered myself. What I'm "good" at is something I don't want to do, and what I'd like to do probably doesn't pay well. I've kind of wondered if I'm too old to become a machinist's apprentice, or even if there are any apprentice programs anymore. Also, when I was younger, I really wanted to get into racing. I know now, I could never be a successful driver, but I wonder about crewing. I'm kind of a weakling, but working on getting in shape. I'm also pretty introverted, so I don't want to have a job where I'm constantly dealing with people. I'd also be interested in something I could do part time, so I could have more time at home.

Start a side business while working my current job. The idea would be to do something that could be profitable as a sideline, but has the potential to be a primary source of income when I've had enough at the current job. But, since I don't like dealing with people a lot, that cuts out a lot of opportunities. Plus, I really just don't seem to have any great ideas of what to do. I'm kind of a jack of all trades, master of none.

Some other path? I've jokingly suggested I quit my job and just be a house husband. I don't think that would work, though. I'd need some sort of income to support my hobbies.

TL:DR Life should be fine, can't stand my job, or anything else I'm qualified to do. Want to do something else.

So, while I'll probably just stick with what I'm doing (hey, its the safe option), I'd love to get some ideas from y'all.

If you do decide to hunt for a new gig, do so NOW. It is much better to have an income stream (current job) while looking for a new one; you're less likely to make poor decisions because you are worried about money.

The part that concerns me the most here is this line: "I spend a good portion of my days wanting to either scream and yell, or run and hide from the world." That sounds like fight or flight, and it occurs when one feels overwhelmed. You have a lot on your radar and you are feeling a bit cornered, so it's certainly understandable. What you need is a path out of the corner.

Think about what you would like to do, and see if there are classes or apprentice programs that could get you there, even if it means a dip in pay. All that retirement money won't mean squat if you die of a heart attack from stress, and boy can that E36 M3 creep up on you in a hurry. Go for something different, daring even. You're only in your thirties, you have a long way to go before it's too late.

Chin up, we're here for you.

Do it while you're young(er).

Since when do mechanical engineers not progress much past entry wages? Especially, someone that has a big time QA background (even though in software, you understand the necessary processes, etc).

I personally have 3 friends with either an ME or MET degree, all work for good companies, all make north of $80k/year. In a very cheap area of the country to live in.

I definitely don't intend to quit before I've got something else lined up. I guess the big issue is deciding what I'm willing to sacrifice for. I'd hate to take a massive pay cut, then find I dislike it just as much. With the economy the way it is, it might be hard to make it back to the same income level I have now.

I'd really like to take some time off to think about things, but the new company is pretty hard-charging, and really doesn't have enough overhead for someone to take over my work right now. Plus, I only have a short history with them, so I'm not even sure how a request for a leave of absence would go over.

i have done the "blow up your tv, throw away the papers, move to the country, build you a home" twice, both time halting the engineering career, once for 2 years and once for about a year and a half, did not owe anybody anything, lived in a very small house..........and got bored as hell, my son who is 26 says he would never work in a bunker building like the old man never seeing the light of day, so he trains dogs and he gets by, will he ever regret his unrealized potential,I pray he does not, because he truly could have been anything but he chose to be happy (Today). The two brakes messed up my early retirement but had fun then. Not sure any of this helps but I think it boils down to do you want to make the most money you can today or be happy today? And what will you need/want tomarrow?

being to save 50% of your income rocks.....just sayin'

eastsidemav wrote: If this feeling was just related to the current job, but to be honest, I'm tired of both the healthcare industry and the IT industry. So, that’s pretty nuts, those are probably the two safest places I could be right now, combined into one. But, I just am having a hard time handling it.

This seems like the crux of it, and you pretty much already know your answer. If you hate the industries, don't stay in them.

Financially, it sounds like you're way ahead of the game. Simplify your life to cut costs, then take a job you like (most likely at a lower salary). You won't be on your deathbed thinking: "man, I sure am glad I didn't take all those risks when I was younger!"

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your meager social skills play a big part in the amount of stress/conflict you experience. Having great social skills will never, ever hurt you in any career. Like all things, it's a skill, and skills take practice...so find a job where you have to interface with people constantly.

As others have said, interview while you're still employed. Better yet, take a weeks vacation and "try out" the new job you're considering. It's entirely possible to have a crap job at an industry/company you adore.

In reply to z31maniac:

Back when I graduated, it seemed like a lot of people I knew were only getting raises that matched or barely beat the amount entry wages were going up each year. I'm guessing its just anecdotal with people I knew, or the situation has changed.

In reply to EastCoastMojo:

Wow, I never thought about it that way until you mentioned it. I guess I'm spending a lot of time suppressing a fight or flight response

In reply to The:

Yeah, I'm a bit afraid I'll be in the same boat. I would like to try the extreme simplification route, but don't want to drag my wife into it. I'd like time to travel and wander a bit more on my own, but that requires money or time, so quitting my job doesn't really help with the money part. Makes me think it'd be perfect if I could find seasonal or part-time work that I could deal with.

In reply to JoeyM:

Its nice alright. Although it only works out to about 30% of my gross before taxes. There'd be no way I could save that much if it weren't for my wife's job. Problem is, it seems like a vicious cycle, the more I save for retirement, the more I think I need to save even more...

In reply to calteg:

I can do alright with people skills, but its just something I don't like. Being in QA has put me in the situation of teaching classes about new products to support and implementation, and I've been out in the field at customer sites trying to get problematic software up and running. Both I've been commended on as doing well, I just don't like it. I do like being out with others, but just with people of my choosing...

Thanks everyone so far for the replies. I know I'm not going to solve all my problems tonight, but its nice to see some different perspectives, since I've been wracking my brain on this one for a long time, mostly on my own.

Well, the raises thing seems to be like that in many industries anymore.

You've got to put in your time at one company, build your skills, then move to another company that will pay you more.

Which is completely asinine to me that a company would spend 3-5 years getting you up to speed and learning new things/software/training/etc. then don't have the foresight to give you a decent raise to stay instead of watching your talent go elsewhere.

Oh well......hopefully my company will figure it out this year too.

z31maniac wrote: Well, the raises thing seems to be like that in many industries anymore. You've got to put in your time at one company, build your skills, then move to another company that will pay you more. Which is completely asinine to me that a company would spend 3-5 years getting you up to speed and learning new things/software/training/etc. then don't have the foresight to give you a decent raise to stay instead of watching your talent go elsewhere. Oh well......hopefully my company will figure it out this year too.

That reminds me of another thing that is getting to me right now. When I switched job titles, things were pretty chaotic, and I did not get a raise, even though the new job title should have paid more (plus I was underpaid for the average in my old job). I specifically pushed for a raise at the end of the year when they were figuring out the pay increases for the new year. I got the generic raise, nothing based on my new position. I'm not overly happy about that.

Dude, you're in your thirties, and it doesn't sound like you've got kids.

Is your wife happy with her job? Is she money hungry and would throw you out if your quit for something with half the pay?

If you don't have kids, and you've got good savings, and you dont have a ton of debt, why are you killing yourself in a job you don't like?

I'd say right now. This instant, is the best time to just be like "f*ck it, I'm out." and bail. Take a nice long vacation, maybe take a few courses, and tell potential employers that you needed a sabbatical.

We often hire Business Analysts, some work remotely. We're growing like crazy and employee-owned. www.ccmsi.com

I've only been here 18-months, but I've worked enough other gigs throughout my life to know a good company when I encounter one(and I've dealt with all kinds, either as employers, vendors, or clients), and I've never encountered a place like this. I know you guys are probably sick of me posting this any time someone is looking for a change of employment, but it really is a good company. We're a TPA(primarily for workers-comp insurance, though we do deal with other lines), but honestly, that really isn't important. It's more about the employees, and the attitude toward our customers and fellow employees, that not only makes this place special but also defines what they look for in their employees.

^You have mail sir.

I'm 34, had a decent, but terrible job. Room for growth, if I wanted to be that guy. Hated the corporate environment, was still the best they'd ever seen at what I did. (I hold records that will never be defeated. They literally had to hire two people to replace me. I know. I met them) But I HATED it. I came home every day wanting to punch babies. It got to the point that I could no longer function properly. It was literally on the verge of costing me my marriage. And with a 1 year old on the clock, I wasn't about to go into baby debt for the next 17 years. Wife gave the blessing, I walked. I've been out of work for just over a year now. I've burned through most of my savings. She's had several job transitions. We're BARELY making it by. But you know what? I'm still in better shape than I would be if I had kept that job.

TLDR? Life is too short to hate your job. Die happy and broke, or comfortable and miserable. I choose happy and broke. It also sounds like you've made several appropriate life decisions, and walking away now wouldnt be the end of the world.

Just a thought here, but it sounds as though you still have some issues due to your father's passing. Grief can stick around a long time and manifest in different ways. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a counselor and address your issues. In your 30's, you still have the luxury of being able to make major changes. I have had several very diverse careers, my last starting when I was 57. A technique I have found helpful is to "Blue Sky". Forget any perceived limiting factors and think about what you would do if you had unlimited choices. Then think about what it would take to pursue any of those choices. Your horizons may not be as limited as you think. Another avenue would be to contact a good employment agency with your resume' and see what they might have to offer.

mndsm wrote: TLDR? Life is too short to hate your job. Die happy and broke, or comfortable and miserable. I choose happy and broke. It also sounds like you've made several appropriate life decisions, and walking away now wouldnt be the end of the world.

Great commentary.

If I had the 36 credits I need to finish my ME degree I would probably still be working for a utility company. The entire industry is getting ready to retire and that degree could put you in the desk next to me next month.

Same boat as me. I'm working on getting out sooner than later. It will be a big jump and I'll be going on my own with my own business. Right now I'm keeping an eye on the long term goal while checking off small goals as I progress. Hopefully I'll meet the right people through some networking to get the funding and business assistance I need so I can jump out of the plan and sew the parachute on the way down :) Risky, yes, but it's the path I want to take. I either want to go flying, or I'll make a big crater when I don't finish the 'chute in time :)

fasted58 wrote:

mndsm wrote: TLDR? Life is too short to hate your job. Die happy and broke, or comfortable and miserable. I choose happy and broke. It also sounds like you've made several appropriate life decisions, and walking away now wouldnt be the end of the world.

Great commentary.

I think being broke would make me more miserable than not liking my job.

Then again, I don't come home EVERYDAY wanting to punch babies. Just some.

Maaaaaan, I just left a department of my company that had me working in Europe making a lot (for me) of money. The problem was, like you, I worked with and for people I couldn't stand, my work was seriously micro-managed and often punished.

There were countless times when my boss literally said "Bill, we need you!" and then berated me for the next two weeks for taking (safe) "shortcuts" to save his ass. I was even written up for supervising a job by the very same boss who ordered me to supervise the job (the very same day). In short I LOATHED showing up to work every day and thinking back on it is giving me the shakes.

Anyhoo, my current department has me stateside for HALF of my old pay and it has been nothing but "worth it" to me. I can not tell you how free I feel. I haven't been this happy in years. I seriously feel like I could take on the entire world (it's more than just a honeymoon period, trust me).

What I'm trying to say is: If you feel like you "spend a good portion of your days wanting to either scream and yell, or run and hide from the world." and you're considering moving to a job ANYWHERE where you'll be happy but make less money DO IT! Before you become your job.

Let the money sort itself out.

But good luck man, in whatever you decide.

Can't add much more other than the perspective of someone who is older and more trapped.
If you can get out, get out. I have worked myself into a nice little hole, I actually like my company and the people that I work with and if anything I'm overpaid. I have reached a point in my life and career where more often than not I actually have both the free time and expendable income necessary to go out and do the things I wanted to do when I was younger. And I absolutely hate it. My work is not challenging, it kills me a little inside to show up every day and I can't stand it. If I were single, without family obligations I'd ditch it all and go back to a simpler life doing manual labor, living paycheck to paycheck but feeling I accomplished something at the end of the day. But I have those obligations so I'm stuck in it. SWMBO is not on board with the "Sell everything, live in the RV and see the country while working odd jobs" plan. firstworldproblems

My point is, if you have the flexibility to make a change, make it, before you loose that flexibility.

@EastCoastMojo -- How do you suggest handling the "fight or flight" thing? I currently have maybe two hours/day( broken up in a few 10-15min blocks ) to myself. What do you do relieve stress?

Not much to add other than i'm going to watch this. I have a similar job to what mndsm left, and it's berkeleying killing me. Been feeling getting closer to a full meltdown since i took a new job within the company a little over half a year ago.