Midlife/career crisis - could use some advice

eastsidemav wrote:

Ojala wrote: In reply to eastsidemav: You put half your income into retirement, and you are stressed out? I cant believe there are no hookers and blow where you live.

Well, there is meth and a shut down strip club...

So you're in Detroit? berkeley it, get a bigass truck and run some E36 M3 over. No one's gonna stop you.

eastsidemav wrote: I guess the question I'd have for y'all, is if you knew you only needed to hang on for another 10-12 years, then could drop out into the slow life, would you stick with it?

Yes, and I did just that. With 8 years to go we got a new principal where I was teaching. For some reason which I never figured out the new principal did not like me and made my life miserable. Many evenings when the wife got home she would tell me to go for a motorcycle ride or something just based on how I greeted her at the door.

I did not want to transfer to a different school because I liked the other teachers I worked with and some other reasons. So I decided to stick it out. Fortunately, 3 years later that principal left and the vice-principal who I really liked got promoted.

It was a rough 3 years but I am glad I stuck with it.

Just wanted to put out a followup to this post. My job has shifted a bit, to where I am still somewhat stressed, but its a pretty even burn, not sudden spikes. This isn't ideal, but it is better.

I loosened up a bit, and bought a fun car (Abarth), the most expensive vehicle I've ever bought. It does make the commute a lot nicer, though.

I am trying to eat better and exercise, but its a lot of steps forward and backward. Once I clear a few projects, I should be a little less pressed for time at home, and have more time to cook healthy dinners. My caffeine addiction is still an issue, though.

I am planning on trying to hold out for at least 5 more years, possibly more. Did some calculations, and barring serious complications, at 5 years from now (age 43), I should have enough saved for retirement that I can switch into something that pays the bills, not have to contribute more to retirement funds, and still retire at about age 65. Doubling down, and working ten more years (to age 48) in this job/field should allow me to fully retire between age 55-60.

Regardless, I am still trying to come up with an employment (or self-employment) niche that I could fit into, but will probably be relunctant to jump ship for the next 5 years, unless something too good to be true comes up.

Thanks again to everyone for their comments and advice.

A note to young enginerds: I did not save much of what I made in my early 20's. If you are concerned about job burn-out, and can manage to do so, I encourage you load up your retirement funds as much as possible. It has the potential to give you a lot more control over your life a lot sooner.

eastsidemav wrote: A note to young enginerds: I did not save much of what I made in my early 20's. If you are concerned about job burn-out, and can manage to do so, I encourage you load up your retirement funds as much as possible. It has the potential to give you a lot more control over your life a lot sooner.

Not an enginerd, but thanks for reassuring me that I'm not an idiot. Whenever the subject of retirement contributions come up, my friends (ages 23 to 28, I'm 24) are astounded and think I'm nuts for putting away between 30% and 50% of every paycheck. Average probably about 45%. Hopefully within 2 years I can make a change to a job that should be less stressful. And if it is not, it would be about 1.5-2.5x the pay of what I'm making now, so I could tough that out for 10 years or so before switching jobs to something fun.

Of course, I'm getting married soon, and kids might change that quite a bit.

eastsidemav wrote: Just wanted to put out a followup to this post. My job has shifted a bit, to where I am still somewhat stressed, but its a pretty even burn, not sudden spikes. This isn't ideal, but it is better.

It sounds stupid, but it wasn't until somebody explained stress to me that it was no longer a problem. Stress is a choice. It's not an external force, but an internal one. Stress is your reaction to the situation.

I'm a little on the hyper side, and take my work very seriously. I also don't take kindly to other people not doing their jobs, especially when it affects me. I used to be stressed out a lot at work until I learned not to. The bottom line is, whether you worry about something, or let it bother you, in most cases it won't make any difference in the outcome. What it will do is bother you and cause stress. It's easy to say, but not as easy to do. It takes time, but it can be done. I ran the maintenance department in an automotive parts plant with 300 pieces of equipment and 1100 employees. It was frantic at the best of time, and considered to be the most stressful job in the plant. I never felt stressed.

I have since transferred to another division of the same company. I hate the place and hate my job. The problem is, it's close to home, the money is quite good, and it's easy. I found myself stressing over the fact that I not only hate this job, but it was my own doing that put me here. I could still be in the other plant working with the people I like, and doing a job I was very happy with, but I made the change. It wasn't making it any easier to go to work. in fact I loathed going there, until I realized what I was doing to myself. The place isn't really that bad, but I spent so much time thinking about how much I hated it, it's all I could think of. I've since stopped with all the drama. I was stressing big time and making myself miserable. The reality is, stressing over it wasn't changing anything, it was only making me miserable. I still hate the place, but letting that bother me doesn't help. it only hurts - me.

In reply to Zomby Woof:

I understand what you are saying, but have a hard time putting anything like that into practice, at least to a great degree. I'm naturally very high strung. Like walk up behind me, say something, and I about jump through the ceiling if I didn't realize you were there.

In reply to mtn:

Happy to reinforce a good habit. I'd still suggest making sure to have some fun in life, or you will burn out a lot faster. I just look back and realize that my computer hobby, and my earlier, less-focused car hobby stuff ate a lot of money and didn't bring anywhere near the incremental happiness they cost. Also, being that young, and not having any serious debt until I bought my house, I also tended to buy a lot of little crap that added up over the years, that I am now still filtering through to try to get rid of.

eastsidemav wrote: In reply to mtn: Happy to reinforce a good habit. I'd still suggest making sure to have some fun in life, or you will burn out a lot faster. I just look back and realize that my computer hobby, and my earlier, less-focused car hobby stuff ate a lot of money and didn't bring anywhere near the incremental happiness they cost. Also, being that young, and not having any serious debt until I bought my house, I also tended to buy a lot of little crap that added up over the years, that I am now still filtering through to try to get rid of.

I have 7 guitars, I drink good beer, play golf about 2 times a week, play hockey 2 times a week, and I'm considering a Corvette just because "weeeeee!!!"

I like to have fun, and I try to often. My budget just doesn't have the daily starbucks and student loans of my friends. Oh, and I shop at Aldi. I can make a phenomenal meal for $2.50 a person, or a meal that I will love for less than a dollar.

eastsidemav wrote: In reply to Zomby Woof: I understand what you are saying, but have a hard time putting anything like that into practice, at least to a great degree. I'm naturally very high strung. Like walk up behind me, say something, and I about jump through the ceiling if I didn't realize you were there.

I'm the same way.

Force yourself to do it. I did, and I'm a lot happier for it.

Or you could just choose to be miserable

ZW has a good point. It's like the old AA saying goes: 'give me the strength to change what I can, the serenity to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference'.

One day at a time!

I am so glad I found this thread! Thanks GPS, EastCoastMojo, and all who gave the very wise responses. My situation is not terribly different from eastsidemav's and your words give me some hope and direction out of my depressive state.

Nothing else, just wanted to give credit where credit is due! Thanks, guys!

When all else fails say the magic words... berkeley it.

Get on w/ what ya gotta do.

Survive.

Glad to hear that others have these types of feelings, too. I thought 35 was too early for a "midlife crisis" but if what you guys are describing is what it is, then I guess I'm about there with you. Stressful job (likely a lot of which is my fault, or at least my choice), wondering what to do next, never feeling quite settled, worry about $$$, etc. Need a change of scenery, but don't know how/where to get one, on and on and on.

My wife tells me to lighten up and choose to be happy. If I figure out why that good advice is so hard to take, i'll report back.

Zombie and Curmudgeon are right - a simple solution but not an easy one. I was in a similar situation several years ago. Union environment, good pay, tons of benefits, and I'd worked myself into seniority. But it was such a toxic, miserable environment that I'd go home and drink to de-stress. Started doing some volunteer work that really changed my perspective on how important the b.s. really was, and helped me view the hostile folks as interesting dysfunctionals, rather than enemies.

I'm glad that you found a point you are comfortable with. I got into a very similar burnt out and somewhat angry at the world situation a few years ago. I was earning great money but I was never home and burning the candle at both ends. I didn't really care for my job either. I was 35 and knew my choices would lead me to a heart attack just like my dad.

Since then I figured out a few things and about 5 years ago set a new direction in my life. I finished my degree and worked my way into a nice role as a project manager for my same company. I spent a lot of time positioning myself to get this promotion.

I also started running a couple years. Did a marathon last year and I'm trying to get into the Chicago marathon this year. I work out at least an hour a day.

Then I got back into messing with cars and got my dad's barracuda over to the house and I'm redoing that for him.

The lessons I learned from all of this are it's just a job. Get into a position that you can stand and get yourself a side project or gig to feed any needs that you still have. Exercise a little to burn off stress. I feel much better after a trip to the gym. And most of all vacation. Break away..Enjoy life..have hobbies you enjoy.

Lesley wrote: Zombie and Curmudgeon are right - a simple solution but not an easy one. I was in a similar situation several years ago. Union environment, good pay, tons of benefits, and I'd worked myself into seniority. But it was such a toxic, miserable environment that I'd go home and drink to de-stress. Started doing some volunteer work that really changed my perspective on how important the b.s. really was, and helped me view the hostile folks as interesting dysfunctionals, rather than enemies.

This is very important, I had to learn to not let azzholes get me down. I made up my mind that I was going to be positive and that if I had toxic co workers I would do my best to stay positive but that I would be prepared to leave rather than let them screw up my outlook. That's why I left the Toyota dealer, that place had the second worst environment I think I've ever been in.

Have tools that are useful in finding other kinds of work been shared yet? I've wondered if engineering isn't really for me, as I have a bit of an enthusiasm gap... although I also wonder if I haven't been able to find the right place to work / products I really care about and connect with. Aircraft might be really exciting for some but I really don't care about them much and can't say that I enjoy working in this industry much.