Yesterday sucked. At a level that I've not encountered for almost 4 years- and will hopefully not be repeated for a VERY, VERY long time (though hopefully the combination of events will NEVER be repeated on the same day).
After a fairly uneventful but not totally dismal day at work, SWMBO and I went out to run some errands. A short while into them, my phone rang with a call from my Dad- and it's very rarely a good thing when I get a call from them before 8pm or so when they normally call. He had called to tell me that my maternal grandmother, who had been in nursing care for the last year or so, had suddenly taken a turn for the worse that morning and passed on in the early afternoon. It was not wholly unexpected- she was 91 and her health (both physical and mental) had been steadily declining since my grandfather passed one about 4 years ago- but it was still more out of the blue than I had expected. For the time being my parents have said that there's not really anything to be done so I don't need to go down there unless I really want to- she hadn't wanted a funeral or service at all.
But.... this berking day wasn't done with me yet- it was about to hit us a whole lot closer to home. We finished our errands, changing plans to get dinner out instead of cooking at home so we could relax and talk a bit more easily, and then headed for home. Once we got home, I headed upstairs to clean the cats' litter boxes and make sure they didn't need more food and water as I usually do in the evening- and found that the older of our two cats, Kage, had apparently died in his sleep sometime during the day (probably while we had been out running errands) as he was sprawled out on the chair he liked to sleep in but was clearly not breathing and was stiff and completely unresponsive (but not particularly cold, which is why I don't think it had happened very long before we got home).
We had to quickly try and figure out what to do, and found that there was a pet memorial service nearby that you could call 24/7- so I had to put him on some towels in a large Amazon box and we drove out to the memorial place to arrange to have him cremated. I'd managed to largely hold it together until the memorial place director had to wait for some things to process on the computer and I went to say my final goodbyes in the memorial room where we'd put the box, and everything from both losses hit me full-on.
I wish I'd had the chance to say goodbye to both of them. I hadn't been to see my grandmother in the last year and a half or so since she moved closer to my parents and into the nursing home- we've not been down to Texas for even longer than that, and honestly wasn't sure I could take seeing her in such a bad state and often not remembering even her daughter (my Mom). Still- I feel bad that I didn't make the effort and at least go down and say my goodbyes. SWMBO at least could spin that in a positive direction- that my last memories of her were of her at least far closer to the Grandmother I'd known growing up.
Kage though... I didn't have any indication that anything was wrong and that I needed to be even thinking about saying any goodbyes. As bad of a person as it may make me seem like, his loss honestly has hit harder than my Grandmother's- both because of having to deal with everything involved in it directly as well as the fact that he was my responsibility. I feel bad that I didn't have any clue that anything was wrong, and can't help but wonder if we had come home earlier if things might have been different. I kind of think he may himself have had some clue though- when I went upstairs to Cat Land yesterday morning he was waiting for me by the gate instead of lazing around on my desk chair. I wish I'd taken more time to pet him and sit down for a few minutes so he could sit on my lap. I am at least thankful that over the last week I've had a lot of things to work on at my computer so spent more time than usual sitting at my desk with him sitting on my lap trying to distract me from what I was trying to do on the computer.
I considered staying home today from work, but ultimately decided I would be better off with the distraction that work would afford. If I'd stayed home and tried to do anything, the major thing I need to get done involves finishing what I have spent so much time working on at my computer- and I'd likely have a really hard time keeping it together sitting there at my desk without Kage trying to distract me.
Sorry for the long, probably not-so-minor rant...