Parental controls

In reply to tuna55:

This is gonna sound weird. I'm not trying to be silly...

A couple of years ago I decided that I had the wrong game plan for monitoring my kid's online activity.

Up until that time, I thought I should try to protect them in some way from the stuff they might run into.

I have since realized, it wasn't a very useful goal. Whether I like it or not, my kids WILL be exposed to violence and various adult themes at a MUCH earlier age than I want. Artificial controls only give them something to try to work around.

I no longer believe my job is to protect them from something. My job is to prepare them for something. I need to teach them what to do when they see a popup, how they should choose to avoid certain sites, what an email from a Nigerian prince looks like and what to do about it, how to read a CL ad and try to understand when it is a scam and when it is legit. They need to know when they should close a window, call for Mom, or report it to the police.

So, we no longer have any parental controls on our computer at all. My kids have seen things I'd rather they not, and we talk freely about it. It's just part of life now. Some of the conservative parents of their friends think their kids have not seen such things. They are wrong. They need to get to know their kids a little better.

YMMV, but I offer it for your consideration.

BTW, many GRMers have met my kids. I welcome their feedback as to how kids are turning out. I don't regret it.

Whatever one is built into chrome, if there is one.

Set it up so you're the admin of the computer and no browsers can be installed without your permission. Have the computer in the family room or kitchen.

Other than that, what Rex said

In reply to SVreX:

I agree 100%. That's exactly how we handled our kids' internet usage, which started when the youngest was around 5 years old.

As a non parent you may not see any validity in what I'm about to say, but....

I had parents who tried net nannies, parental control on cable TV and other such controls. They meant well and were no doubt trying to make sure I wasn't exposed to some of the horror out there.

Here's the thing, I grew up with the tech they were desperately trying to adapt to, I understood it better and found ways around it wether they liked it or not. I saw any attempted control as a challenge, I went out of my way to get past it just cause it was there.

They learned the battle was lost when I hacked the pay tv to get a service we weren't subscribed to and that I'd managed to set up the internet so I was the admin and they were using a restricted browser and had no idea how to undo my handy work.

At age 17 I had to teach the old man how to access free porn without getting stung by Auto diallers and the miryiad of internet herpese type computer viruses.

It really is a case of "don't push the red button" compels you to push the red button

Try and be open and honest with your kids they'll outsmart you on Tech at every turn if you don't.

Back in the day I used Dan's Guardian on my daughters laptop. It is undefeatable if you don't give the child's account admin rights. I do not know if it works on your choice of computer operating system.

As a 28 year(now retired) middle school teacher, the last 10 teaching introductory computer classes, I agree totally with SVreX. Sometimes I felt like I learned about computers and the internet from some of my students as they learned from me.

Middle schoolers are rebellious by nature and any roadblocks you put in their way only feed the flames of rebellion.

I set up a Microsoft childs account on our computer. I have removed all online games and have locked out any browser except Edge, which lets me see where he goes. I can control more things if I wish or need, but I generally chose not to, instead I just observe.

His smart phone has been replaced with a Duro 626, which has no internet capability (that was not easy to find either).

The ipad, various other devices and games have been removed from the house, probably for as long as he lives there.

I will say that this severe reduction in internet access and gaming activity has resulted in numerous positive improvements. His grades have substantially gone up in school. He now interacts with living humans, including his parents. He is now involved with school sports. He reads books. He has a tan from going outside.

@SVrex: I'm not a parent myself but I ENTIRELY agree with your approach here. In my opinion NOTHING GOOD ever came from hiding stuff and being deceitful to developing minds - and it encourages them to be deceitful back. The important thing is openness and communication. You can't pretend the nasty stuff isn't there because that won't prepare them for when they inevitably find it themselves in secret. Teach them how to identify and deal with the hateful & extremist viewpoints that they'll run across online, teach them about the echo chamber, teach them how just because they see other people posting awful things that doesn't mean it's acceptable to society at large. And more importantly let them know they can ALWAYS come to you if they run into something that makes them uncomfortable. If they learn young they won't feel like they're biting into the forbidden fruit when they're older.

I haven't met your kids, but if they've got at least a little of your sense of responsibility I'm sure they're turning out fine.

We had to go to the Verizon store recently to get Mrs. Clearinghouse a new phone. And yes, we "had" to- her old one was 4 years old and held a charge for about an hour, would randomly shut off, etc. It was dead.

Anyway, while at the store, one of the associates started to hand our 2 year old daughter a tablet and simultaneously asked "Do you mind if she plays with this?" I think the associate was very surprised when my wife and I both nearly shouted "NO!" and sort-of dove for the device.

We have no video games in our house. We have 1 television that is unplugged most of the time, connected to an antenna. We each have a laptop- mine is work issued, hers is an older, slower one that gives her basic internet access and MS Office. We have an ancient desktop that's not even connected to the internet. And we each have a smartphone.

And we're both on the same page when it comes to providing our child with technology: it's far better to let them have it too late than too early.

First post is missing...? But, speaking as a parent of 2 daughters who grew up in the information age (they are 24 and almost 21), I agree completely with the opinion that there is no stopping them from accessing information, so the best strategic approach is to prepare them for it instead.

At the risk of floundering (that is NOT my intent), consider it like sex ed. I don't mean that you should expose them to porn so they learn about sex.

What I mean is that refusing to teach adolescents about sex in a controlled, academic way doesn't stop them from having sex. It just stops them from having informed sex, which can be a disaster. Another way to look at it is this - who was the girl most likely to end up pregnant in high school? The girl whose dad nailed her window shut and set ridiculously rigid curfews, usually.

So give them the tools, and show them how to know right from wrong, and let them have some freedom.

We talk about all of it. We also have the computer in the living room and that's where the kids use tablets. If you're looking at something you don't want parents to see then you need to think about what you're doing.
The bigger issue is deucekid#1 and social media. I've been using the internet for 25 years, I understand it, but social media is as weird to me as message boards are to my parents. So we talk about that too. I have her explain the different programs to me and what they do and why one is better than the other. I don't read through her stuff like a lot of parents seem to do. First because that will just less them to hide things, and second because I don't think I need to monitor my kid's speech. She needs to be able to curse and make mistakes and all of the stuff that kids go through.

So give them the tools, and show them know right from wrong, and let them have some freedom.

It's only that easy and full of pink unicorns when the child does develop along a responsible and mature path on their own. If that does not happen, other measures need to be taken.

Sex is a necessary part of life. Without sex, there is no life.

While I'm sure some people feel the same about the internet, that's just not true.

foxtrapper wrote:

So give them the tools, and show them know right from wrong, and let them have some freedom.

It's only that easy and full of pink unicorns when the child does develop along a responsible and mature path on their own. If that does not happen, other measures need to be taken.

See The Deuce's post right above. There's a rather large world out there and it is impossible to bubble your kids completely, even if you do think that's desirable. Certainly issues occur where you need to be interventionist. But trying to establish a perfectly controlled, safe arena for your child to develop in is A) impossible, and B) unlikely to prepare them for what happens when they inevitably leave the arena.

As an emotional and social cripple from a CONTROLLED upbringing, I can say without a doubt that control is not the way.

There is first the rebel angle, then there is the relearning once the control is removed.

Don't shelter or control your spawn, embrace them, nurture them, enrich their experience. Let them see the world for what it is so they know how to deal. Give them the tools they need to succeed. Talk with them about everything so they understand. If they don't explore and discover now, they will have to do it later without a guiding hand.

I am also reminded of my sister, the ex-hippie. She was going to raise her kids to be nonviolent, so there were no toy weapons or military-based games allowed in the house. Guess what? Every vaguely L-shaped stick became a gun. They still played the violent pretend games kids play.

I admit I take an extremely dim view of censorship in all forms. But I'm not saying that we should give up and let them run wild. What I'm saying is that values are the important part of the child's environment, not access (or lack thereof) to hardware.

Duke wrote: See The Deuce's post right above. There's a rather large world out there and it is impossible to bubble your kids completely, even if you *do* think that's desirable. Certainly issues occur where you need to be interventionist. But trying to establish a perfectly controlled, safe arena for your child to develop in is A) impossible, and B) unlikely to prepare them for what happens when they inevitably leave the arena.

You didn't follow. "Certainly issues occur where you need to be interventionist." That has happened. Numerous times, and finally very extremely. A very hard lined intervention was required.

As I said in my initial post, this has resulted in numerous positive improvements. His grades have substantially gone up in school. He now interacts with living humans, including his parents. He is now involved with school sports. He reads books. He has a tan from going outside.

foxtrapper wrote: He has a tan from going outside.

Harmful exposure to UV rays? He should be in foster care with a nice PS4, broadband and Gears of War.

Turns out, sunlight is actually good for your kid.

Duke wrote: I am also reminded of my sister, the ex-hippie. She was going to raise her kids to be nonviolent, so there were no toy weapons or military-based games allowed in the house. Guess what? Every vaguely L-shaped stick became a gun. They still played the violent pretend games kids play. I admit I take an extremely dim view of censorship in all forms. But I'm not saying that we should give up and let them run wild. **What I'm saying is that values are the important part of the child's environment, not access (or lack thereof) to hardware.**

I had a teacher that way. She had no clue where her son had ever seen a gun, but he bit his toast into a vague gun shape and was shooting people at the breakfast table.

I can't see the first post?

But I had a friend grow up in a pretty strict environment... "save room for Jesus" at school dances if the kids were dancing to close kind of stuff. And he's a fantastic guy now, but some of the stuff he and his friends did growing up would make me and my somewhat more secular but still Christian upbringing blush. Some of the stuff he's told me... the "__ loophole" and stuff like that. These poor kids had such a warped view of things after being cut off from much of the world.

But not being able to see the original post I'm not sure the context here, so I could be off base. And I don't have kids, and as some of my friends have told me I shouldn't, or at least it doesn't count, have an opinion on raising kids.

Joey

1st post- Mr Tuna just asked for recommendations about parental control software, etc. Don't know why it went away.

SVreX wrote: 1st post- Mr Tuna just asked for recommendations about parental control software, etc. Don't know why it went away.

Ah. So my reply was unsolicted advice then.

I tend to side with SVRex here. Prepare them to experience the world, don't shelter them from the dangers of the world. Of course my oldest is only 2.5 and so far only seems to care about Frozen music and Peppa Pig when it comes to stuff on the Internet, so I don't have experience on the parenting end, just the being parented end. My main evidence is watching me compared to my wife as adults, and linking it to how we were raised. Anecdotal, yes, but hopefully it works out. Our parents weren't perfect, we won't be either, but hopefully we have the edge raising a kid in a tech world having grown up with broadband internet compared to my parents who literally went to a one room school house in the country.